Michael Vick
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Contents |
Youth
Michael Vick grew up in Newport News, Virginia, a town with a name that sounds like one of the many newspapers on which Vick’s image would later be juxtaposed against the face of a mutilated dog. The public housing project where Vick grew up was in a neighborhood called “Bad Newz.” Miraculously, Vick overcame the financial and social hardships of his upbringing by excelling in high school football. Vick's father reportedly spent afternoons and weekends teaching his son the fundamentals. It is also reported that none of that time was spent teaching moral respectability.
Virginia Tech and the NFL
In college, Vick began his impressive career at Virginia Tech University. During his time there, Vick managed to change the perception of the university from “that school in Virginia that’s not UVA” to “that school that Michael Vick went to.”
Vick scored three touchdowns in the first half of the first game of his college debut, an incredible feat. Unfortunately, during a remarkable display of showboating, he injured his ankle doing a flip into the end zone and had to miss the remainder of the game. Despite this kind of behavior, he led the team to the national championship game. Following the next season, Vick left school early for the NFL, where he quickly became a star player and a fan favorite. A mobile, athletic, left-handed quarterback with an exciting innovative playing style, Vick eventually picked up the nickname “Superman." In real life, he told everyone, "you guys should start calling me 'Superman.'"
Community Leader and Role Model
This was short-lived.
Ron Mexico
Vick's first run-in with the law involved being sued by a woman who claimed he had given her genital herpes during what was surely a night of mobile, athletic, left-handed sex. She also claimed that Vick had been receiving treatment at medical clinics under the pseudonym "Ron Mexico." As a result of Vick's actions, several hundred thousand people have herpes, and several hundred thousand people have the joke email address "Ron Mexico." It’s hard to say which thing is worse.
Water Bottle Incident
In early 2007, Vick was stopped at Miami International airport carrying a water bottle that was discovered to have a hidden compartment. Inside the compartment were some small, dark “particulates” that police officers said smelled like marijuana and that Vick claimed was his “jewelry.” Chemical tests later proved that Vick wasn’t lying. Some fans even apologized to Vick, realizing that they may have jumped to conclusions simply because he had cornrows at the time.
Then This Happened...
In April 2007, investigators raided a home owned by Vick and his associates, whose professional names are P-funk, Q, and T, which, ironically enough, would be good names for a dog, as would Vick's professional dogfighting circuit name, "Ookie." At the time, the police were executing a warrant in a narcotics investigation involving Vick’s cousin Bodie when they stumbled across “evidence of dog fighting,” which was confirmed by “dog fighting paperwork” Vick kept. For some reason.
Vick was charged on multiple counts of illegal gambling and animal cruelty. The indictment alleges that Vick was present during the killing of eight dogs, and that another 50 pit bulls intended for fighting were found at his home. Vick strongly denied all of the allegations made in the indictment.
On August 24, 2007, Vick plead guilty to most of the allegations in the indictment including conspiracy to operate an interstate dogfighting ring. He admitted to financing the bulk of the operation and to being aware that underperforming dogs were killed. He did not admit to killing any dogs himself, however, which was a really good PR move.
On December 10, 2007, Vick was sentenced to 23 months in federal prison. He is expected to be released on good behavior in summer 2009, ironically, along with the sequel to Superman Returns. Both will be second attempts at being not-terrible.
Despite a reputation for viciousness encouraged by irresponsible breeders, the American pit bull terrier is in fact a loyal, dependable, protective breed and, like many of Mr. Vick's fellow inmates, they love asses.
