Your mom
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
She would be very disappointed if she knew you were reading this.
Contents |
Early life
Though, like most humans, your mom has an actual date of birth, her life did not truly begin until you, her brilliant child, passed through her birth canal and emerged from her vagina, naked and glistening with amniotic fluid. Every moment of her existence up to that point was merely prelude to your birth, and every moment since has been spent in deference to your needs and desires. Any biographical sketch of your mom would therefore most likely be more about you and your upbringing rather than about specific pre-you events in your mom's life, and really, why bother even asking, because your mom has told you, she's only the person who brought you into this world, who gave you the very gift of life, not that she expects any gratitude or anything. Your mom heaves a heavy sigh as if to say: no, everything's fine, if that's how you really feel, it's your life and she's not going to tell you how to live it, even though your mom hasn't been feeling well lately, but it's probably nothing. Oh, sure, your mom thinks it would be nice if you called, but she knows you're busy. Okay, okay, enough already, your mom, you get it.
Career
As your mom has been known to say many, many, many times, raising children is a full-time job. However, like many your moms, it is very likely that your mom had an additional vocation that did not involve changing her ungrateful offspring's poopy diapers. Because attending to your every need requires a tremendous investment of time and energy, your mom was forced to make sacrifices that involved prioritizing child rearing over dedicating herself to a career.
Because of this conflict, your mom developed a deep-seated resentment towards you that, though she would rather die before acknowledging such a sentiment, nevertheless burrowed itself firmly into your mom's psyche. Thus, those behaviors exhibited by your mom, which you interpret as her willful attempts to impose upon every aspect of your personal life, are actually just the manifestation of years of the internal turmoil that results from raising a child. The fact that these behaviors aren't necessarily malicious does not necessarily make them any less dickish, but it's some cold comfort knowing your mom is just as screwed up as you are.
Having raised you, and therefore having been present to experience every aspect of your cognitive and emotional development, your mom possesses the exquisite dick ability to push exactly those buttons that will most aggravate you. Frequently, this involves transference of guilt to you from your mom over your failure to call, visit, interact with family, earn enough money, finish school and/or obtain an advanced degree, provide grandchildren, or lead a lifestyle similar to Mrs. Weinbach's son down the block, you know, the successful doctor and such a nice boy, too.
Historical Context
In much the same way that your mom's influence on you will be passed along to your own children, your mom has been impacted by thousands of years of your mom history. Among your mom's predecessors are:
- Jocasta: mother of Oedipus and the first MILF in recorded history. The tragic story of Jocasta and her son gave rise to the psychological phenomenon of the Oedipus complex, in which a male child's mother inspires in him a strong desire to jab needles into his eyes.
- Queen Māyā of Sakya: birth mother of the Gautama Buddha, the founder of Buddhism. Though her son would be revered as the Supreme Buddha, viewed by many as an immortal, god-transcending being, she could not resist suggesting that perhaps if the Buddha lost a little weight, maybe he still wouldn't be single after all these years.
- Mary, mother of Jesus: the extraordinary circumstances surrounding the virgin birth of Jesus made Mary a major celebrity around Nazareth, making Jesus' early life fairly miserable. Imagine being that kid who's forced to be in the same class for which his mother is the teacher, except times a million.
Yo Momma
Though they share many of the same characteristics, it is important not to confuse your mom with yo momma.
Yo momma typically possesses a wide range of undesirable traits-including but not limited to: unattractiveness, obesity, low intelligence, poverty, poor bodily/oral hygiene, promiscuity, unappealing odor, hirsuteness, lackluster work ethic-and exhibits these traits to a degree that observers may find shocking or humorous. Generally, these qualities emerge via some linguistic misunderstanding or the employment of some device in a manner for which it was not originally intended, viz: due to yo momma's unhealthy corpulence, she requires the substitution of a microwave oven in place of a pager, presumably because her engorged fingers would be unable to operate the small buttons found on a typical pager (though it is unclear how exactly a microwave would serve as a viable alternative, as this appliance is in no way designed to serve a similar function) . In most cases, yo momma is either unaware of or unconcerned with how others perceive her, contributing to the scorn heaped on yo momma by those who disapprove of her lifestyle choices.
Your mom, by comparison, tends to be much more directly demonstrative of her seemingly negative traits, and may frequently even embrace her shortcomings, of which promiscuity is by far the most dominant. In fact, despite any other potentially unappealing traits, your mom's well-known licentious ways and cheerful agreeableness to try anything twice have greatly boosted her popularity within the community. In some cases, your mom goes so far as to take pride in her sexual uninhibitedness with strangers, as well as with your close friends and acquaintances, as evidenced by their extensive knowledge of what “she said,” or what she “did last night.”
Mother's Day
Celebrated around the globe, Mother's Day is an annual holiday honoring the world's online florists. In the United States, Mother's Day is observed on the second Sunday in May, but different countries insist on celebrating it on different days of the year because your moms will never be happy to simply leave well enough alone
The contemporary holiday of Mother's Day may have evolved from the ancient Roman celebration of Matronalia, a day dedicated to Juno, the Roman goddess of hamburger phones. The holiday was first proposed in 1870 by the social activist Julia Ward Howe, who was inspired by a British observance called “Mothering Sunday,” in that twee, fancy way the British have of doing everything.
In the early 20th century community organizer Anna Jarvis founded a “memorial day for women.” The first such Mother's Day was celebrated in 1908 in Grafton, West Virginia, a town where residents needed all the help they could get figuring out who was related to who and how. Woodrow Wilson declared the first national Mother's Day in 1914 as a day for Americans to display the flag in honor of mothers whose sons had died in war. Bet that makes you feel pretty good about forgetting about Mother's Day again.
Through no fault of your mom, Mother's Day has earned the reputation of the most dickish of observances, the “Hallmark holiday,” a fully commercialized holiday that exists merely to sell the stale chocolates and heart-clutching teddy bears left over from Valentine's Day. In fact, just nine years after the first official Mother's Day, Anna Jarvis herself became a major opponent of what the holiday had become. Your mom does not care.
According to the National Restaurant Association, Mother's Day is now the most popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant, where invariably your mom will be seated in a mysterious draft that nobody else can feel and insist that everybody stand up and change tables.
Motherhood: it's long, it's hard and it's extremely satisfying
That's what your mom said last night.
