Warren Jeffs

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Warren Steed Jeffs (born Dec 3, 1955) was the leader of a controversial Mormon sect known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or FLDS). In this organization, he was an absolute ruler; in this position, he was an absolute dick.

Convicted of rape as an accomplice for his role in marrying teenage girls to the kind of shady bachelor who drives a molester van—and not in an ironic way—Jeffs is currently serving a 10-year sentence in Utah State Prison. He also faces charges of both incest and sexual conduct with minors, both in Arizona and Texas. Talk about running the gamut.

In May 2006, for fleeing prosecution in Utah, Warren Jeffs was named one the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted. He is far and away the biggest pussy ever to make that list.

Jeffs proves the age-old adage that anyone can be famous, but to gain real notoriety you need to get caught getting it on with an eighth-grader. Just ask Roman Polanski. Or R Kelly.

Biography

Warren Jeffs began to feel an inappropriate tingling sensation in the crotch of his magic Mormon underwear from the moment of his birth on December 3, 1955, a birthday he shares with Ozzy Osbourne, Daryl Hannah, and Anna Chlumsky, the girl who played the girl in My Girl.

His given name, Warren Steed Jeffs, almost sort of makes him sound like a porn actor, along the lines of Jake Steed, star of such adult classics as Bottom Dweller 33 1/3 and What Happens Between My Tits Stays Between My Tits, though it’s likely that Warren Jeffs’ penis is a great deal smaller.

Jeffs is the son of Rulon T. Jeffs, the original unquestioned omnipotent leader of the FLDS. Known to his followers by the creeptacularly pervball nickname “Uncle Rulon,” the elder Jeffs proved hornier than Tommy Lee on an ecstasy binge, fathering about 60 children with several dozen wives. Upon his death in 2002, Warren Jeffs assumed his father’s place in the church, his father’s nickname, and, within one week, all but two of his father’s wives. This effectively made him “Uncle Brother Stepfather Warren.”

In his new capacity, Warren Jeffs also held the title “President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator.” Any one of his prophecies, visions, and/or revelations would’ve gotten him 5-to-10 upstate. He also continued to marry more women, many of whom were close relatives, teaching that these seemingly unnatural marriages were necessary to preserve his sacred bloodline of megalomaniacal incestuous child-molesting serial-sodomizing fugitives.

Not only did Warren Jeffs use his position to satisfy his own taste for the barely (and not even barely) legal, he also served it up to his buddies, who, you have to assume, couldn’t get dates for themselves and hadn’t ever heard of Craigslist personals. Because Jeffs was the only person in the church who could perform marriages, he was responsible for assigning wives to husbands—as luck would have it, he, himself, occasionally turned out to be assignee. He also had the authority to punish men by reassigning their wives, children, and homes to other men—again, as luck would have it, he, himself occasionally turned out to be reassignee.

By the time he was done arrested, church members claim Jeffs had as many as 70 wives. This was in accordance with his “teaching” that the more wives a man has, the closer he is to divinity, and that a man needs at least three wives as a pre-requisite for admission to heaven. Of course, for most men, dealing with three wives at the same time would be a living hell, so it kind of evens out.

In 2005, Jeffs was finally charged with sexual assault on a minor and conspiracy to commit sexual misconduct with a minor for arranging a marriage between a 14-year-old girl and her 19-year-old first cousin. Yeah, they can arrest you for that. At least until Utah passes the law legalizing conspiracy to commit sexual misconduct with a minor for “medicinal purposes only,” better known as Proposition 6914.

Jeffs resigned as president of the FLDS Church on November 20, 2007. However he still maintains his position as official deviled egg taster at its annual summer picnic.

Crimes and Punishments

Allegations against Warren Jeffs began as early as July 2004, when his nephew filed a lawsuit claiming that his uncle—who, again, would also simultaneously become both his step-father and step-grandfather—took him to Brokeback Mountain, where he anally raped him. Several other nephews began coming forward, who also implicated several of Jeffs’ brothers, who were also his stepsons. It took the Utah D.A.’s office the better part of a year to untangle this incestuous hairball of consanguinity.

Jeffs spent the better parts of 2005 and 2006 facing, unlawfully fleeing, then ultimately hiding from, various statutory rape charges. Interestingly enough, he actually resurfaced in June 2006, for one day, to perform more child bride ceremonies. To many, this was the extralegal underage wedding officiant’s equivalent of the Beatles’ famous impromptu rooftop concert.

On August 28, 2006, after nearly two years on the lam, Warren Jeffs was apprehended during a routine traffic stop of his Cadillac Escalade, a vehicle driven almost exclusively by dicks.

Already serving 10 years in Utah, and awaiting trial in Arizona, Warren Jeffs’ name also started to surface in the wake of Child Protective Services’ raid on the Yearning for Zion Ranch in Eldorado, Texas. In late May 2008, as part of the court case involving the removal of 416 children from the YFZ Ranch, photos were introduced that depict Jeffs totally frenching his then 12- and 14-year-old wives. These photos comprise the skeeviest exhibits in the history of American jurisprudence.

Oh, yeah

If all that wasn’t enough, Warren Jeffs also embezzled untold sums from the FLDS trust fund.

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