Vladimir Putin
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Contents |
Youth
Putin's youth—not to be confused with Putin Youth, the organization for young Russians that doesn't remind anyone at all of another creepy, similarly-titled organization named after a world leader from the 1930s—was mostly spent in the area surrounding Leningrad, which is now called St. Petersburg and which, in a few years, will be called Putingrad. Putin was in school for many years working on advanced degrees, culminating in a doctoral dissertation that he wrote almost entirely by himself.
People at cocktail parties who enjoy historical trivia might be interested to know that Putin’s grandfather was the personal cook of both Vladimir Lenin and Josef Stalin, thereby providing them with the sustenance to raise, then subsequently crush, the spirit of the Russian working class.
KGB career
Putin was recruited into the KGB in 1975 and held various positions in Moscow and East Germany until leaving the agency in 1991. During that time, he also participated in the common dick activity of hitting on flight attendants. Putin’s career in the KGB was so successful that he was able to persuade one of those stewardesses to marry him.
Early political career
In 1991, Putin began working for the mayor of Leningrad, and within a year, was investigated for potential illegalities in issuing export licenses. Putin continued to fail upwards, becoming Boris Yeltsin’s chief of staff, before taking over as head of the FSB, an organization that can be thought of as the “KGB Lite”: same secretive, civil liberties-violating squelching of dissent, without that nasty KGB aftertaste.
Soon after leaving the FSB, Putin was appointed First Deputy Prime Minister and was later that day promoted by Yeltsin (whoops) to acting Prime Minister (oopsy) after the previous prime minister was totally, coincidentally run out of town (yoink). That same day, Putin agreed to run for the presidency (how about that?). Within months, Yeltsin unexpectedly resigned (what the--), making Putin the acting President (wait a minute…) and forcing a surprise early election (hey now) which Putin won easily (well, I’ll be!).
Presidency
Putin's presidency has been characterized by many non-Russians as a return to the principles of the Soviet Union. Putin has simultaneously denied these claims, while at the same time restoring the tune of the country’s national anthem to its post-1944 Soviet version.
Domestic policy
Putin has strong policies on handling terror, and once threatened to “corner the bandits in the toilet and wipe them out.” While reports on terrorists in Putin’s bathroom are few, he has dealt with many troublemakers who needed to be eliminated with toilet paper…made of bullets.
After the Beslan hostage crisis, Putin implemented a new policy allowing him to install governors and heads of state. This exploitation of public safety fears for one’s own political benefit following a terrorist attack is an act that has yet to be repeated by any American politician.
Foreign policy
While many humans believe the Cold War officially ended in the late 1980s, Putin was never made aware of it. Consequently, there has been a recent surge in military tension between the United States and the Soviet Uni Russia, including the testing of new Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles and the resumption of long range bomber missions. Putin has also tried to claim the North Pole for Russia, escalating tensions with Denmark and Canada. Researchers have yet to determine the exact amount of dickishness required to "escalate tension" with Denmark and Canada, but early estimates indicate that it is "definitely a lot."
Putin the physical specimen
Pectoral muscles
Putin has, on various occasions, been photographed without a shirt on. This is no mistake, since, for a man of his age, he has been able to easily influence the Russian people with the pecs of a much younger borderline totalitarian.
He can also kill you
He doesn't even need to use those ICBM missiles or a Kalashnikov. He can do it with his hands. Putin is a 6th degree black belt in judo and even has his own dojo, thus proving the age-old stereotype that the Russian people will vote for any president whom they think will be able to beat up everybody else's president should it come to that. His specialty is a sweeping hip throw.
Person of the Year
In December 2007, Putin was named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year,” causing an uproar among easily-angered people who don't actually understand the premise of Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.”
The magazine credited Putin with returning economic stability to a country that was known for its starving elderly women in babushkas. It is unclear whether Putin himself is well off; various estimates list his personal wealth as somewhere between a few hundred thousand dollars and 41 billion dollars. This is widely recognized as the most absurd margin ever to exist regarding someone's bank account.
Putin's influence over the Russian political world is staggering. He holds an 80% approval rating, making him the most popular head of state on the planet. Though he was elected while unaffiliated with any political party, he supports the United Russia party, which did not even exist until he became president and currently holds a constitutional majority. Experts have speculated that the party’s name may eventually be changed to “the Putin Party” and adopt the logo of a man performing a sweeping hip throw whilst marrying a flight attendant.
Putin and the New England Patriots
Putin once stole a New England Patriots Super Bowl ring from Patriots owner Robert Kraft. Though Kraft later said that he gave Putin the ring as a gift, it is likely that the U.S. State Department drafted his statement in order to not piss off Vladimir Putin. Critics of this kind of diplomacy argue that, in order to possess a Patriots Super Bowl ring justly, one must either play on the team, work for the team, or carry one of Tom Brady's children. Putin has done none of these.
End of Presidency, sort of
In May 2008, Putin relinquished his leadership to protégé Dmitry Medvedev, who didn't really become President, but, instead, became "President." Putin was then selected to be "Prime Minister" by the "President" he pre-selected and was approved by the Duma he controls via the party he created.
Those handful of people expecting Putin to actually turn over all power may be surprised to learn that his last acts in office were to realign the political system so the most powerful politicians had to answer to the Prime Minister rather than the President. This continues a long Russian tradition of saying things that sound great, but are actually horrible if you investigate them for two minutes.
