Tom DeLay
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Tom DeLay was first elected to the House in 1984, soon building a reputation for enforcing party discipline on colleagues and taking retribution on opponents. This earned him the nickname “The Hammer.” One can only hope he is not planning to subject America to his version of “Can’t Touch This.” Although, hammer pants would certainly conceal his junk better than those tight polyester double-knits he wore on the season nine premiere.
The first national politician to appear on a reality show, DeLay is also the first contestant to compete on a reality show while currently out on bail. It’s hard to say which provides a more apt comment on American popular culture. Still, they both clearly indicate our proximity to its nadir.
Silver lining: an appearance on "Dancing with the Stars," even winning it, does not seem to resurrect anyone’s career. Just ask Joey Lawrence. Or L’il Romeo. Or Billy Ray Cyrus.
Say what you will about Tom DeLay, at least he never had a weird, drug-fueled, decade-long consensual sexual relationship with his own daughter who was also the star of a hit early 80s sitcom. At least not that anyone knows of.
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Early life
Tom DeLay decided to forgo whatever scant bit of dignity he had left from his birth on April 8, 1947. Born in Laredo, schooled in Corpus Christi, and a pre-med student at Baylor University—before he got kicked out for drinking, which, honestly, at a school like Baylor really had to have been a lot of drinking—DeLay is a slow-roasted, hickory-smoked Texas-style dick.
DeLay eventually remained sober long enough to receive a bachelor’s degree in biology from University of Houston. Upon graduation, DeLay prepared himself for a future national political career by working in pest control. In fact, DeLay’s desire to fight an EPA ban on a particular pesticide was what originally sparked his interested in government. What kind of dick is Tom DeLay? The kind who becomes a politician specifically so that he can continue to poison the public without paying fines.
Political career
Tom DeLay won his first election in 1978 to the Texas House of Representatives, where he quickly became known for rampant drinking and cheating on his wife. DeLay was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1984, one of several freshmen Republican congressmen elected from Texas known as the Texas Six Pack, so named because it actually consisted of 24.
A Congressman for nearly 20 years before 20 years of campaign finance embezzlement caught up with him, DeLay began his ascent with an appointment to the Republican Committee on Committees, the actual existence of which begins to explain why Congress will never pass a national health care reform bill.
Tom DeLay also served on the House Appropriations Committee and for a time was chairman of the Republican Study Committee, so named because it ignored the findings of all its studies.
In 1988, Dick Cheney appointed Tom DeLay to be his deputy Minority Whip. Note: neither of these positions have anything to do with whipping minorities. Any minority whipping Cheney and DeLay engaged in, they did so for pleasure, not business.
With the 1995 Republican takeover of the House, DeLay was elected head honcho Minority Whip, paving the way for his eventual election as Majority Whip, then Majority Leader. In this capacity, he opposed environmental regulation, criticized proposals to phase out chlorofluorocarbons, and sought to repeal the Clean Air Act. As such, it will be absolutely hilarious when global warming causes DeLay’s Gulf Coast mansion to be submerged by the Gulf.
Of course, throughout his career, DeLay forwarded the usual conservative line: guns for everyone, abortions for no one, everything else to the wealthiest lobbying group. And then he got arrested.
Tom DeLay also worked to ensure that the House voted to impeach Bill Clinton for perjuring testimony in a federal case. Ironic, then, that DeLay now finds himself accused of the very same thing. Too bad Republicans don’t typically understand irony.
Personal life
DeLay lives in Sugar Land, Texas, a rather suggestive name for an area made up predominately of rich, white, evangelical Christians. He is married to Christine Furrh DeLay, though reports of infidelity plagued DeLay throughout his political career. In fact, his drinking and carousing earned him the nickname “Hot Tub Tom.” You really have to wonder what kind of woman would get into a hot tub with Tom DeLay.
In 1985, DeLay became a born-again Christian, by which he meant he quit hard liquor, and eventually, over the course of the ensuing 20 years, slowly weaned himself off of adultery. In 1995, DeLay became a foster parent to three teenage boys, although it’s hard to believe the Texas department of child protective services would place any child in the care of a well-documented adulterous, alcoholic criminal.
According to some reports, Tom DeLay is estranged from most of his family, including his brother and mother. Watching him dance, you can see why—no one would want to subject their wedding guests to that.
Despite long-time criticism of Fidel Castro’s regime, "Time" magazine once published a photo of DeLay smoking a Cuban cigar while on a government-funded trip to Israel in 2003. So many dickish facets to that, it’s hard to tell which is most egregious.
Dancing with the dicks
Apparently Tom DeLay couldn’t get a career going on the lecture circuit, and somehow got himself on season nine of some super-amateur hour show that serves mostly as fodder for late night talk show hosts. In the season nine premiere, DeLay, dressed in a sequined, leopard-print vest and orthopedic shoes, performed the cha-cha-cha complete with air guitar, knee-sliding, butt-wriggling, and lip-synching to “Wild Thing.” He made nobody’s heart sing. He made absolutely nothing groovy.
Should DeLay’s appearance usher in a new career path for retired prominent conservatives, it would put us that much closer to getting Dick Cheney on Top Chef. A guy like that, with that many knives around? Now that’s bound to make for some good watchin.’
