Tom Cruise
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Although Cruise is 100% certifiably batshit crazy, craziness alone does not make one a dick (see: “Björk”). Tom Cruise’s dick qualifications have more to do with his creepy fakeness (i.e. creepy fake smile, creepy fake enthusiasm, creepy fake laugh) and his insistence on telling other people how to live their lives. It should be noted that acting is a profession based entirely on being fake, so the very fact that Cruise’s fakeness stands out amongst all other actors is what makes it so creepy and what makes him such a dick.
Luckily for Cruise, as evidenced by his selection by Barbara Walters as one of America’s Top Ten Most Fascinating People of 2008, America finds dicks fascinating.
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Early life
Tom Cruise is a thetan who became trapped in his current Earthly body on July 3, 1962 in Syracuse, New York. He was first brought to Earth 75 million years ago by Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, and he shares a birthday with Dave Barry and Montel Williams.
Cruise first began acting when sidelined from his high school wrestling team with a knee injury, successfully auditioning for a lead role in Guys and Dolls. After graduating in 1980, he briefly attended a seminary to become a Catholic priest, but moved to LA instead to pursue acting. Despite the conspicuous details of A) wrestling team, B) knee injury, C) Guys and Dolls and D) Catholic seminary, Cruise is definitely not gay. No sir, not one bit.
Early career
Cruise's first film role was a bit part in 1981’s Endless Love, starring Brooke Shields. He repaid Shields for his big break years later in 2005 by openly criticizing her use of Paxil to recover from crippling postpartum depression. His dickish form of gratitude also included claiming that chemical imbalances don’t exist and calling psychiatry a “Nazi science."
After more small roles in Taps, The Outsiders, and Losin' It, Cruise had a breakthrough performance as the male lead in Risky Business, where he showcased his acting chops by wearing a pair of underwear while lip synching to Bob Seger music, having sex with Rebecca DeMornay on the L train, and being in about 90 minutes of other scenes nobody really remembers. He continued his rise to fame in the fighter pilot film, Top Gun, which became the highest grossing film of 1986 and included a sweaty, shirtless, slow-motion volleyball scene that was not at all gay, nor were the countless half-dressed locker room scenes.
Also not gay, Cruise’s portrayal as a happy-go-lucky beach bartender who recites poetry while flipping liquor bottles in 1988’s Cocktail.
Divorce break
Most actor dicks tend to divorce their first wives after achieving success, and Tom Cruise was no exception. After starring in Martin Scorsese's The Color of Money with Paul Newman, and the Oscar-winning Rain Man with Dustin Hoffman, Cruise promptly dumped actress Mimi Rogers on February 4, 1990. ----Yes, Cruise certainly had All the Right (Dick) Moves.
Unstoppable movie star
The 1990s turned out to be quite a dick decade for Tom Cruise. In 1990 he received an Academy Award nomination for Born on the Fourth of July, in which he portrayed real-life paraplegic veteran Ron Kovic. The fact that the actual Kovic lost the use of his legs in service of his country but the fake Kovic was the one receiving praise and awards is one of the all-time great dick ironies.
After starring as a non-gay racecar driver named “Cole Trickle” in Days of Thunder, Cruise fell in deep heterosexual love with co-star Nicole Kidman, becoming so attracted to her in that way that straight guys are totally into straight girls. The pair was married on December 24, 1990.
After continuing his streak of hit movies with A Few Good Men and The Firm, Cruise followed the lead of many other dick actors and became a “producer,” partnering with agent Paula Wagner to adapt the Mission Impossible TV series. The difference between a producer and a “producer” is that a producer actually produces movies while a “producer” just uses his acting fame to collect another paycheck and lets Paula Wagner do all the real work.
Other 1990s dick highlights include: forcing the phrase "Show Me the Money!" into pop culture; helping to make Stanley Kubric’s final film his worst; and playing a misogynistic guru in Magnolia, which earned him another Oscar nomination because of the skill it took to convince viewers he was attracted to women enough to objectify them.
Divorce break
Like a true dick, Tom Cruise shaved off his Nicole Kidman beard on August 8, 2001, just before their tenth wedding anniversary. And like most real marriages, the couple had two children via adoption instead of ones produced through heterosexual intercourse.
Movie star we all wish would stop
In the new millennium, Tom Cruise embarked on a dickish new career strategy. Phase 1: Make bad movies nobody enjoys like Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, The Last Samurai, and War of the Worlds. Phase 2: Become an insane caricature of himself by making more tabloid headlines than movies.
Scientology
Although Cruise became involved in the “church” of Scientology during his marriage to Mimi Rogers, he waited a decade or so before being really annoying about it. An example of “being really annoying about it” is when he campaigned for Scientology to be recognized as a religion in France and was such a dick about it that Nicolas Sarkozy refused to ever meet with him again.
Another example is when he offered 9/11 rescue workers free detoxification therapy that just so happened to introduce them to the works of L. Ron Hubbard. Despite drawing criticism from medical professionals and firefighters, Cruise’s aggressive dickery was rewarded with Scientology's Freedom Medal of Valor in 2004.
Yet another example is a Church of Scientology video interview with Cruise that was leaked to the internet in 2008. It’s so crazy that you pretty much have to just watch it yourself.
TomKat
In 2005, Cruise began dating actress Katie Holmes, and the media, in keeping with their time honored tradition of combining a couple’s names into one annoying name that they never stop saying, not-so-cleverly dubbed them "TomKat”. After a month or so of ridiculous publicity stunts like driving down the red carpet on a motorcycle at the MI:3 premiere, Cruise took their relationship to the next level by jumping up and down like a lunatic on Oprah's couch while declaring his love for her, then dragging her out from backstage to make her feel awkward in front of a national audience.
After only two months of dating in front of as many cameras as possible, Cruise proposed at the Eiffel Tower because that seemed like it would make the most headlines. And being the poon hound that he is, Cruise just couldn’t wait to tap that fine ass and TomKat’s daughter Suri was born well before they married during an enormous photo op in Italy. Suri was even-less-cleverly called "TomKitten" by the media, and before her first pictures were even published in Vanity Fair, “artist” Daniel Edwards unveiled a sculpture not-at-all-cleverly titled "Suri's bronzed baby poop," which he claimed to be the TomKitten's first dump.
Fall in popularity
In the 1990s, Tom Cruise was names one of People’s 50 Most Beautiful People three times, and Empire magazine ranked him among the 100 sexiest stars in film history. But as of 2006, half the people surveyed in a USA Today/Gallup poll registered an "unfavorable" opinion of him, and his “Q score” popularity rating fell 40%.
In 2006, Cruise’s dickishness caught up to him and Paramount Pictures ended their 14-year relationship with him, due to the damage to his value as an actor and “producer” as a result of his public craziness. Soon after, Cruise and Wagner signed a deal to take over United Artists film studio. Their first release, Lions for Lambs bombed in 2007 and they are trying like hell to make sure their second film Valkyrie bombs as well by casting Cruise as an eye-patch-wearing protagonist named Claus von Stauffenberg who tries and fails to assassinate Hitler.
