Tom Brady
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He plays quarterback, the dickiest position in a sport played by dicks, for dicks (many of whom are trying to mask the smallness of their dicks). His team is the New England Patriots, whose fanbase is made up almost entirely of the type of dick who wears fleece vests, listens to Dave Matthews, and pisses on parked cars outside Fenway Park.
Brady is a dick not necessarily by virtue of what he’s done, but by what he symbolizes: a system that rewards athleticism, intellectual vapidity, a cleft chin, and several extra cc’s of testosterone with multi-million dollar signing bonuses and the opportunity to bang Brazilian supermodels at will.
Tom Brady is everyone you hated in high school all rolled into one.
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Early years
Born to parents Galynn and Tom, Tom Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. is a rare breed of four-named dick (see also: George Herbert Walker Bush), although it could have been worse—one of those names could have been Troy, Peyton, or Favre.
Young Brady grew up on the mean streets of San Mateo, California, a town noted for its well-above-average median household income, and also as the birthplace of Neal Schon, lead guitarist from Journey.
Managing to avoid the kind of criminal activity often associated with posh, Northern California suburbs, Brady graduated from the area’s roughest private school, Junipero Serra High, whose alums include consummate dick athlete Barry Bonds. Also a catcher, young Tom was selected by the Montreal Expos in the 18th round of the 1995 draft, but for some strange reason decided against a bush league career with a now-defunct Canadian baseball team.
College career
Brady played for the University of Michigan, the only college to name its mascot after one of the X-Men. As a Wolverine, he spent his first several seasons riding the pine, though, thanks to hard work, perseverance, and a specially-hired sports psychologist, he eventually became a starter, setting several Michigan passing records and leading his team to an overtime win in the 1999 Citrus Bowl. Interestingly, Tom Brady graduated cum laude, quite a feat, considering that football is among America’s least intellectual pastimes, alongside scratch-off lotto and bowling with shotguns.
Professional career
Brady entered the NFL in 2000, selected by the New England Patriots as a sixth-round draft dick. During his rookie season, he worked his way from fourth- to second-string with an impressive 1-for-3, 6-yard passing performance on the year. Fortunes changed for both Brady and the Patriots on September 23, 2001, when starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe got creamed by Jets linebacker Mo Lewis, severing an artery deep in his chest. Brady capitalized on his friend’s life-threatening internal bleeding by stealing his job. Bledsoe never did get the starting role back, and wound up being traded to Buffalo while Brady led his team to an 11-3 season and a Super Bowl victory, which he celebrated by boinking Tara Reid (see: Reid, Tara in the forthcoming Skankipedia).
Over the next several seasons, Tom Brady came into his own as a first-rate NFL quarterback, piloting his team to the kind of dominance that makes everyone outside of the greater Boston metro area hate him. His record-setting streak of 10 consecutive post-season wins held for several years, until the Denver Broncos finally snapped it during the 2005 playoffs. The loss was particularly devastating to Brady, with nothing to console him aside from unprotected sex with that chick from Coyote Ugly. Not Piper Perabo. The other one. No, no, not Izabella Miko, either. The other other one, the brunette.
Among his career highlights, Brady is a three-time Super Bowl champion, two-time Super Bowl MVP, four-time Pro Bowler, and the NFL’s Most Valuable Dick for 2007. He also holds various records for completions, touchdowns, yardage, and consecutive regular and post-season victories, capped off by a perfect 16-0 record for the 2007 Patriots. All of this would be really impressive if professional football bore any impact on real life aside from the slight up-tick it causes in both drunk driving and domestic violence arrests on Sunday afternoons.
To many, Brady’s poise, as well as his penchant for playing with incredible cool and precision in big games, is evocative of Joe Montana. To others, his soft-spoken menace, as well as his comfort in both comic and serious roles, is evocative of Joe Mantegna.
Right-handed, white, clean of herpes, and not currently serving jail time for dog fighting, Tom Brady is the dick yin to Michael Vick’s dick yang, which, incidentally, doctors recommend you never touch without latex gloves.
As such, Brady is widely regarded as the best quarterback of his generation, a dubious distinction considering the generation in question includes several dandified pretty boys, a pain pill junkie, and a convicted felon who used to receive STD treatment under the pseudonym “Ron Mexico.”
Personal life
Having dated the aforementioned Tara Reid, Tom Brady spent two years with C-grade actress/A-grade hottie Bridget Moynahan, a relationship that ended in December 2006 right after she informed him that he’d knocked her up. Almost immediately after that, Brady began dating Gisele Bundchen, the world’s richest supermodel and an outspoken proponent of condom use. Unlike pretty much every NFL defensive scheme, you better believe Gisele plans to intercept every single one of Brady’s passes into the red zone.
As a nascent pop-cultural icon, Brady was named one of People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful Dicks in 2002.
He also appeared as himself on the Simpsons, although it was crappy late-era Simpsons, not pithy, intelligent, seasons 2-8 Simpsons. Brady also appeared as himself on an episode of Family Guy, which was never good.
Super Bowl XLII
On February 3, 2008, Tom Brady brought his team, with their perfect 18-0 record, to the Super bowl where he promptly choked and was beaten by a banged-up team of young players led by a guy who is not even the best quarterback in his immediate family.
