The Gang of Six

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The Gang of Six (born July 17, 2009) is a bipartisan group of centrist and conservative Senators urging delay in consideration of health care reform, thereby ensuring that the Obama health care plan will not be passed, not before the end of the 2009 Congressional session, not ever. Comprised of six members who are all dicks in their own right, the Gang of Six is an excellent example of Gestalt dickery, in which the whole is greater than the sum of its dicks.

The Gang of Six halted progress on a potentially historic piece of legislation by mailing a letter of concern to Democratic and Republican leaders. This is the pussiest form of political protest since Sinead O’Connor ripped up that photo of the Pope on “Saturday Night Live” after singing an a cappella version of Bob Marley’s “War.” Remember that? WTF, right?

By the way, despite having a name that sounds like a super-villain organization—form of “Filibuster!”— the Gang of Six is also the pussiest gang since Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby. They may as well all be wearing neckerchiefs.

Wimp-ass or not, initiation into the Gang of Six still involves killing people, just slowly, while they wither away in the waiting room at an understaffed free clinic.

The Gang of Six is totally cock-blocking Barack Obama, right when he needs to get laid the most. Legislationally-speaking, of course. You’d imagine the Obamas still hold regular press conferences in the Rose Garden, if you know what we mean. They do it. Have sex. Jeez, do you really need to have it spelled out for you like that?

1 Origins
2 Membership
3 We can only speculate
4 One thing’s for sure, though

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Origins

The Gang of Six began essentially telling the entire country to “take a chill pill”—easy for them to say, considering they all have prescription drug coverage—from its birth on July 17, 2009. On this day, the Gang of Six officially called for a 70 day hold on voting, dealing what seems to be an inevitable deathblow to health care reform in the U.S. Not that Hillary Rodham Clinton told us so, but…

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Membership

The Gang of Six consists of:

Sen. Ben Nelson [D(ick)-Neb.], who drafted the letter, signing his name in extra-large letters, to show everyone just how big a dick he is. Nelson is a leading conservative Democrat, endorsed by the National Rifle Association and Nebraska Right To Life. In fact, political analysts find it hard to tell exactly what makes him a Democrat. Maybe he’s secretly Jewish. Or gay. Or both. Of all 215 million Americans of voting age, there’s probably not a single Gay Jew registered Republican.

Ben Nelson is one of those guys who started looking like a grandpa at age 20; considering he comes from rural Nebraska, it’s entirely possible he was.

Sen. Mary Landrieu [D(ick)-La.], the only Democrat who voted to expand the domestic eavesdropping provision of the Patriot Act. She was also named to the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington’s “Top 20 Most Corrupt Members of Congress,” joining such shining examples of upright statesmanship as Ted Stevens and John Murtha, the “King of Pork”.

Mary Landrieu has also been inducted into the Louisiana Political Hall of Fame, a dubious honor considering the preponderance of Louisiana politicians with names like Moon, Speedy, Buddie, and David Duke.

Sen. Ron Wyden [D(ick)-Ore.], who also sponsored the Healthy Americans Act, an act that somehow seeks to accomplish its goal of making Americans healthy by eliminating public health insurance programs. In America.

Ron Wyden’s probably just pissed at Barack Obama for not appointing him Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Independent Dick Sen. Joe Lieberman, from Connectidick. Though unaffiliated with either party, Lieberman caucuses with Democrats, which pretty much only means that’s whose Senate Christmas Party he attends, insisting, of course, that they don’t call it a Christmas Party.

Joe Lieberman is also most likely pissed at not getting a U.S. Secretary position… in John McCain’s cabinet. Oh, yeah, and he’s probably still smarting from losing the Vice Presidency—after all, he wasn’t the one who moved on to become a Nobel Prize/Academy Award winner and hang out with Bon Jovi.

Sen. Olympia Snowe [R(eally big dick)-Me.], a moderate Republican, which is kind of like being a straightedge porn star. Snowe was the first woman to serve in both houses of a state legislature and both houses of the U.S. Congress, the first Greek-American congresswoman, and, for six years, First Lady of Maine. She was also the hottest female Senator until Kirsten Gillibrand replaced Hilary Rodham Clinton. Sorry, Senator, but Gillibrand’s still got some naturally-occurring estrogen left.

Olympia Snowe is married to a guy named “Jock.” If that doesn’t say “dick,” nothing does, except for maybe a bright yellow Hummer H3 passing you on the shoulder.

Sen. Susan Collins [R(eally big dick)-Me.], who has a history of running with gangs. In 2005, Collins was part of the Gang of 14, which brokered a deal that essentially de-nadified any Democrats from blocking any Bush court appointees. Interestingly enough, the Gang of 14 also included Snowe, Landrieu, and Lieberman, who all just can’t seem to give up gang life.

Collins’ centrist voting record caused some conservatives to label her a “Republican in Name Only,” or RINO, when obviously no one would ever go by the name “Republican” unless they absolutely had to. She answered her critics by personally insuring deep funding cuts for science and education in the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, while organizing provisions for increased defense spending. Now that’s Republican.

It bears note that each of member of the Gang of Six has raised at least $1 million from the health and insurance sectors during his or her career.

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