Steve Schmidt
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Steve Schmidt was the senior campaign strategist and advisor to the 2008 presidential campaign of angry old dick John McCain; theirs is a December-May relationship. As the McCain campaign’s dick Cyrano de Bergerac—or, Cyrano de Bergerdic—Schmidt was the primary force behind Barack Obama’s evolution from “socialist” to “Marxist” to “redistributionist,” whatever the hell that is, although it does sound rather nefarious. It was most likely also Schmidt’s brain-child for McCain to begin every sentence of every public address with the phrase “my friends.” This phrase does not seem very friendly at all.
In his capacity as a public relations specialist for the Republican Party as a whole, Schmidt was tasked with de-dickifying almost all of the actions, values, and beliefs of 55 million GOP members nationwide, or at least trying to make them as palatable as possible. If Steve Schmidt shows up at your door on Halloween, you’d be well advised to give him some candy, and the good candy, too, not the little box of stale Mike N’ Ikes you keep trotting out every year hoping some kid finally takes it off your hands. Rest assured, the last thing you want is a guy like Steve Schmidt plotting tricks against you.
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Early life and education
Steve Schmidt began packaging political figures as if they were skin exfoliates, for instance, or microwaveable breakfast links, from his birth in North Plainfield, NJ, a town whose other notable residents include the inventor of the handheld vacuum cleaner, and the guy who does the voice for that robot on Futurama. There, Schmidt graduated from North Plainfield High School, recently ranked 226th best in the state. Out of 316. That’s even less impressive considering many of those other high schools are in serious hellholes like Jersey City, Atlantic City, and Newark.
Cutting his dick teeth in politics at the tender age of eight, Schmidt handed out campaign materials for hall of fame basketball player Bill Bradley’s 1978 U.S. Senate run. Bradley is a Democrat, by the way; in fact, he once ran for the Democratic presidential nomination as the liberal alternative to Al Gore. One wonders exactly what horrific trauma Steve Schmidt suffered later in childhood that caused him to cross over to the dark side, and then, eventually, to the dark side’s dark side. Perhaps he’d like to show us on the doll.
Leaving the oft-ridiculed state of New Jersey for its similarly maligned neighbor to the south, Schmidt attended the University of Delaware, whose alumni include, ironically enough, Barack Obama’s campaign manager, David Plouffe, as well as Obama’s nominee for Vice Dick, Joe Biden. Steve Schmidt was an unrepentant fratboy—exactly as one would expect from a dick of his stripe—in the Delta Tau Delta fraternity, whose national ranks include Matthew McConaughey and the lead vocalist of Bread.
When the McCain campaign lost in 2008, one possible reason was because Schmidt didn’t actually graduate from UD. He finished just three credits shy, after repeatedly failing a mathematics course. Schmidt blames this on a learning disability, known to some as “conservatism,” in which the sufferer just can’t do the math.
Career
Early career
Steve Schmidt got his shot first shot at the big leagues in 1995, managing unsuccessful campaigns for Will T. Scott’s ill-fated run at attorney general of Kentucky, Tim Leslie’s sad race for lieutenant governor of California, and Matt Fong’s tragic attempt at U.S. Senator from California. Schmidt’s most spectacular early pooch-screwing came at the helm of Lamar Alexander’s bid for the 2000 Republican presidential nomination; boyfriend got his ass whupped by Alan Keyes. Yeah, Alan Keyes.
Washington career
Somehow, Schmidt came back almost overnight, joining the Bush administration in 2004 as Deputy Assistant to the President and Counselor to Vice President Dick Cheney, though you have to assume he probably shortened that title for business card purposes. As such, Steve Schmidt became a key player in the Bush re-election campaign. Soon after, he was named chief White House strategist in charge of ramming Samuel Alito and John Roberts down the Senate judiciary committee’s throat.
Schmidt left the Bush Administration in 2006, and not “to spend more time with his family,” either—he went on to manage the re-election campaign of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. His sudden ability to win has caused some Washington insiders to speculate that Steve Schmidt sold his soul to the devil.
McCain campaign
After two years working as a professional PR guy, Schmidt was appointed to head up day-to-day operations of the McCain campaign at the late date of July 2, 2008, replacing the previous campaign manager, the politically-castrated Rick Davis.
Schmidt quickly took the Straight Talk Express on a detour, right into the part of the country that decorates its pickup trucks with rear window decals of Calvin pissing on something or other. Many credit Schmidt with the McCain camp’s decision to stop talking about issues and start drawing specious connections between Barack Obama and the wide variety of people, places, and things Calvin pisses on in any one of the aforementioned decals. Likewise, it was Schmidt’s idea to run attack ads attacking Obama for running attack ads. This is precisely the type of brainteaser that short circuits the minds of about 45% of the U.S. electorate, coincidentally the same percentage that identified themselves as McCain supporters.
Schmidt was characterized as aggressive and savvy in his management of the news cycle, especially “new” media and the blogosphere. For example, Schmidt seized upon Obama’s comment about not being able to “put lipstick on a pig.” Of course, you can, in fact, put lipstick on a pig. And you can be the highest paid staffer on a major party’s presidential campaign payroll doing it, too.
These strategies all proved pointless, however. After the campaign's November 4th loss, Schmidt’s overall record became a rather uninspiring 3-4. Of course, that’s more impressive than it actually sounds, considering you’d have expected every Republican candidate to have lost every election held after Hurricane Katrina.
Stance on gay rights
Though it’s something he probably doesn’t lead with, Steve Schmidt supports Log Cabin Republicans, a group of people who both literally and figuratively have their heads up their asses. (You see, literally speaking, the tip of a man’s penis is sometimes referred to as the “head,” and should that man be engaging in homosexual intercourse, it would involve his and/or another man’s “head” going “up” either one’s posterior, or “ass.” Figuratively, the act of having one’s head up one’s ass refers to a complete obliviousness to one’s situation; like being gay, and also a Republican.)
You get the sense that…
Steve Schmidt was appointed campaign manager simply because he was the only one in the McCain camp with a Twitter account.
Steve Schmidt is the kind of guy who carries around a digital voice recorder and wears $3,000 sunglasses.
Steve Schmidt is kicking himself that he didn’t think to buy John McCain a 30-minute prime time TV infomercial.
Steve Schmidt wishes Joe the Plumber just went back to snaking toilets.
