Steve Jobs
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Steve Jobs is a new school dick. In direct refutation of the traditional dick that still dominates both the business and academic worlds, Jobs masks his dickitude with a hip, user-friendly interface.
Along with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, Jobs helped popularize the personal computer in the late 1970s. He was also responsible for developing the mouse, an invention that not only revolutionized home computing, but also forced millions of men to switch over to left-handed masturbation.
Jobs is widely considered responsible for the Apple brand’s sleek functionality. This has earned him a devoted, almost cult-like following, especially amongst two other new school dick populations: freelance graphic designers and adult-aged trust fund babies who have nothing better to do with their weekday afternoons than pack their iBooks into a messenger bag and head over to Ozzie’s Coffee in Park Slope, Brooklyn, to continue working on the mission statement for yet another “non-profit” they’re starting.
No matter how many PC users he manages to convert, Steve Jobs will always totally sweat Bill Gates’ jock.
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Early years
Steve Jobs began crafting stylishly elegant housing for his powerful egomania from the moment of his birth in San Francisco, the “Golden Dick City,” on February 24, 1955. He shares this birthday with fellow hipster hero Joe Lieberman, and Hollywood heartthrob Abe Vigoda.
Jobs grew up the son of a “repo” man for a local “finance” company in Cupertino, California, a town whose other famous sons include one of the drummers for Primus and the guy who played head “terranaut” in that movie The Core, the 2003 sci-fi catastrophe that spelled the beginning of the end for Hilary Swank. Interestingly enough, Cupertino is not only home to the headquarters of Apple Inc., but also Symantec, Sun Microsystems, and other wannabe playas who wish they could techno-pimp half as big as Apple.
Unlike many Fortune 500 CEOs, Steve Jobs attended noted druggie school Reed College, where, sure enough, he became a druggie. Like many druggies, he got a job in video gaming. Then, he went on a pilgrimage to India, center of both mysticism and computer science. It was a spiritual journey that brought Jobs right back to Atari, where, possibly under the influence of LSD, he and Wozniak developed a souped-up version of Breakout, creatively called “Super Breakout.”
Apple I
Jobs and Wozniak founded Apple Computer Co. in 1976 and introduced their first personal computer, the similarly creatively named Apple I, which they priced at $666.66, a number Wozniak is said to have arrived at because he liked repeating digits. Also, he is a Satanist. It was the computer’s second iteration, Apple II: The Edge of Reason, that turned Apple into a publicly traded company, and Jobs into a multi-millionaire.
However, it wasn’t all IPOs and Orwellian TV commercials for Jobs, who was fired by the guy he had hired as Apple CEO just a year earlier. It takes a pretty big dick to get fired from your own company.
Intermission
Because John Ratzenberger wasn’t getting enough voice work, Steve Jobs bought George Lucas’ computer graphics division, though unfortunately not before it could create Jar-Jar Binks. Renamed Pixar, the company produced several box office hits. Then Jobs sold it to The Walt Disney Company for $7.4 billion in stock, thus making him the single largest shareholder of the single largest dick corporation on earth.
Apple II
In 1996, Apple bought NeXT computers, another company Jobs founded, and within two years Jobs was back as Apple CEO. Many NeXT technologies found their way into Apple products, most importantly the development of the “lowercase i,” which, when added to the beginning of any product name, will make people want to buy it.
Managerial style
As a CEO, Jobs is known for being a geek who likes to be feared, supposedly wielding firings as his weapon of choice. Though he proudly boasts the Guinness World Record for “Lowest Paid Chief Executive Officer,” with a yearly salary of $1, that’s mostly so he can dick the IRS out of tens of millions of dollars. Maybe he’s not so new school after all.
Personal Life
Steve Jobs fancies himself a hippie, even going so far as to have dated Joan Baez. Of course, there aren’t many hippies who run a company whose net worth exceeds $5 billion, or who ban books from their retail stores.
Although Jobs claims not to eat meat or poultry, he does occasionally eat fish. This type of vegetarian is known as a lazy hypocrite.
Jobs was one of the first CEOs to wear mock turtlenecks. Now they’re all doing it.
Honors
In 2007, Steve Jobs was named Most Powerful Businessman by Fortune Magazine. If that dick distinction—or “dickstinction”—doesn’t close the book on his dickishness, then what does? Oh, maybe this: less than a week and a half later, he was inducted into the California Hall of Fame. By Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Steve Job
A “Steve job” is slang for a sexual maneuver in which one partner reams the other with an iPhone until he or she finally gives in, heads down to the Apple Store, and shells out $500 for one.
