Simon Cowell
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Through the creation of television programs such as American Idol, Pop Idol, and Britain's Got Talent, he has managed to force both his abrasive personality and the abrasive personalities of a number of mediocre "artists" into homes across the world. Uniquely, while many celebrities became popular despite being dicks, Cowell became a celebrity because he is a dick.
Contents |
Education
Cowell dropped out of college and held a number of odd jobs during his youth, though unsurprisingly did not get along with his co-workers and bosses. With no career to speak of, Cowell did the most desperate/first thing a dick always does in these situations: had his dad get him a job at the corporation he worked for, which, in Cowell's case was conveniently one of the world's largest record companies, EMI.
Professional Career
Cowell worked at EMI for a time in the 1980s before founding his own label, Fanfare. When Fanfare's parent company went bankrupt, Cowell took his hard-edged, wheeling-and-dealing executive skills back home, literally. He moved back into his parents' house, where he was able to "sign" less popular "artists" like "his mom" to make him “breakfast."
Later that year, Cowell joined BMG, and found major success releasing albums for esteemed recording artists like World Wrestling Federation wrestlers, the Teletubbies, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
Since then, he has been able to promote artists who are actually career writers and performers of music, including Il Divo, which is sort of the 98 Degrees of opera. It is worth noting that Il Divo is widely liked by your mom.
American Idol
Cowell became globally famous as a judge for the television program American Idol where he provided bullying criticism of game show contestants whom he deemed less talented than the established performers he was used to working with, such as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Such obnoxious sarcasm has been promoted by FOX as "candor" and has become palatable to American audiences because it is spoken in a British accent.
Cowell’s unique position on the show allowed him to vastly increase his personal wealth simply by being a bigger dick. Unsatisfied with just being a regular dick, Cowell was actually coached by publicists to the point that his occupation arguably became "professional dick."
The success of American Idol led to spin-offs all over the world, each with it's own version of Cowell, which has led to the creation of a veritable dick army—not to be confused with this person. Cowell was reportedly upset that so many judges from other countries had stolen his distinct judging style, though one could argue that just being a disagreeable and a dick doesn't count as any kind of "trademark."
In August of 2007, Cowell admitted that, having starred on American Idol for 6 seasons, he would quit the show in three years. Said Cowell, "I think by that point the public will be sick to death of me anyway and it will be time to go." Cowell had misjudged Americans’ tolerance by approximately 8 years.
Other shows
In addition to American Idol, Cowell is responsible for several other shows on American television. While not quite reaching the popularity of Idol, each of these new programs has achieved some success among people who enjoy amateurs trying to act like professionals, and either sucking at it, or reaching a high enough level of mediocrity that it is confused by some for actual entertainment. These shows include: American Inventor, in which contestants try to convince George Foreman that their invention is as good as his grill; America's Got Talent, in which contestant performances suggest that, for the most part, America does not, in fact, have talent; Grease Is the Word, in which gay people compete to live out their dream of playing tough Italian guys in a musical; and Celebrity Duets, in which viewers try to hang themselves.
Plans for the Future
Cowell has announced he wants to be frozen when he dies so he can be brought back to life and be a dick in a whole new century.
Trivia
- Cowell’s taxes reportedly amount to £21.7m per year, which means that his taxable income is over £54.25m per year. In America money, that is, like, 7 billion dollars. And all for just telling people who suck at singing that they suck at singing.
- He is one of the few successful executives in the music industry who earned a massive salary by exploiting people who are simply terrible at making music.
- Technically, Simon Cowell is responsible for Ryan Seacrest.
Dickipedia.org Home (all entries)
Dickipedia is a production of 236.com
