Sean Penn
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Early Life
Born in Santa Monica, California, Sean Penn was steeped in Hollywood activism, or “actorvism,” from his earliest days. His father, Leo Penn, was blacklisted by Senator McCarthy for being a staunch supporter of Joseph Stalin. The ban was eventually lifted, and the elder Penn returned to Hollywood in full force, directing such politically-charged masterpieces as Columbo Goes to the Guillotine and several episodes of “Jake and the Fatman.” Penn’s mother, Eileen Ryan, is also an actress. Though not an agitator per se, she didn’t take her husband’s last name, which kind of makes her one of those troublemaking women’s libbers.
Penn has two brothers, actor Chris Penn, who died in 2006, and musician Michael Penn, whose career died more than a decade earlier.
Though Irish Catholic on his mother’s side, and descended from Lithuanian rabbis on his father’s, Penn was raised in a secular home, an upbringing typically described as “agnosdick.”
Sean Penn briefly attended Santa Monica College, but did not graduate, perhaps due to his habit of having pizzas delivered to class. Despite having not completed college, Penn is nonetheless, a Ph.D: pretty huge dick.
Career
Sean Penn’s acting career has lasted close to three decades, not bad for a guy whose résumé prior to Carlito’s Way consisted almost entirely of punching photographers.
Often described as an acting “powerhouse,” Sean Penn is known for his intensity and humorlessness. He has been a druggie, a delinquent, mentally-unhinged, and a retard. He has also played those characters in films.
As is often the case with megalomaniacal actors, Sean Penn was not content merely in front of the camera. His first directorial effort was the music video for Shania Twain’s “Dance with the One That Brought You.” Naturally, this work paved the way for his next directing credits, The Crossing Guard, about vengeance killing, and The Pledge, also about vengeance killing—a common theme for both Shania Twain collaborators and listeners. Most recently Sean Penn wrote and directed Into the Wild, about a dick hitchhiker who rides around America and [spoiler alert] starves to death in the Alaskan wilderness.
In 2003, Sean Penn received an Oscar for Best Actor for his performance in Mystic River, joining fellow dick Russell Crowe as the only other convicted batterer to claim that distinction.
Personal Life
Sean Penn’s personal life began to attract media attention with his marriage to Madonna in 1985. Madonna dedicated her album True Blue to Penn, referring to him in the liner notes as “the coolest guy in the universe.” Penn celebrated this by pleading guilty to domestic assault charges. The two divorced in 1986. The marriage produced no children and one film, Shanghai Surprise, of which neither partner wanted to claim custody.
Currently, Sean Penn is married to The Princess Bride, with whom he has two children, daughter Dylan (behind McKenzie, the second-most popular name dicks give their kids) and son Hopper. That’s right, Hopper.
Always looking for a fight, Sean Penn engaged in a verbal altercation at the 77th Academy Awards with host Chris Rock, wasting 45 of the 60 seconds allotted to every presenter to defend middling dick Jude Law. Penn was so worked up over the confrontation that it took beating up five paparazzi to calm him down. (Penn’s handlers reportedly keep several around at all times for just that purpose.)
Sean Penn likes to sneer. A lot.
Social/Political Causes
Like George Clooney, Richard Gere, or any of the Baldwin brothers, Sean Penn suffers from the delusion that portraying deep, serious characters on screen makes him a deep, serious person in real life. As such, he has made a name for himself by shooting his mouth off about issues with which he has no real familiarity and employing both characteristic bombast and horribly mangled metaphors. In other words, he is the perfect Hollywood activist.
Sean Penn’s crazy, one-sided rant of choice is the open letter to President Bush, printed as a full-page ad in newspapers such as the Washington Post and the New York Times. In Penn’s first open letter, he criticized the Bush administration for its “deconstruction of civil liberties” and its “simplistic and inflammatory view of good and evil.” His more recent comments include the incisive political observation, “we can fire this president and put him in fucking jail.”
Sean Penn likes to visit war-torn, third-world hellholes (Iraq, Iran, New Orleans) and tour around in a khaki vest and yellow-lensed aviator glasses, which is a pretty good look for him (or, actually, any dick actorvist). He also has a habit of meeting with controversial figures, such as the imams at University of Tehran and Venezuelan pinga Hugo Chavez. In September 2005, Sean Penn lent his talents to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, physically rescuing many victims himself while only punching out a few. Imagine the surprise when people discovered themselves being airlifted by Sean Penn, especially those expecting Judge Rheinhold.
Iraq War
Thanks entirely to the efforts of Sean Penn and the whole Hollywood activist community, the Iraq War ended quickly and peacefully, ushering in a new era of stability in the Middle East.
