Sean Hannity
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What makes Hannity’s particular brand of dickishness stand out from the hundreds of other right-wing blowhards reciting GOP talking points over the airwaves is the fact that he pretends to also allow a liberal counterpoint. This “counterpoint” is often delivered by an inept sparring partner, and in the rare case that an actual counter-argument is presented, Hannity immediately puts an end to it via his patented dick methods of: a) yelling over his opponent like a maniac; b) changing the subject to an argument he feels he can win; c) lying; or d) ending the interview and cutting off his opponent before they can make their point.
It should also be noted that Hannity closely resembles an unevolved ape-man in both physical appearance and demeanor.
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Early life & (lack of) education
Sean Hannity was born on December 30th, 1961 in Franklin Square, New York. Realizing early on that facts and rational thought would serve no purpose in his future career, young Sean attended St. Pius X Preparatory Seminary high school and then dropped out of NYU once he realized they taught real subjects there and “Jesus” wasn’t an acceptable answer to every other question.
Hannity moved to Santa Barbara, California where he began his dick education, working as a bartender and construction worker. Given Hannity’s close resemblance to cartoon blow-hard Fred Flintstone, it is quite easy to picture him sliding down the tail of a brontosaurus after Mr. Slate blows the quitting whistle at a rock quarry. It is not known if Hannity has ever ordered a rack of ribs so large that they caused his car to tip over at a drive-in restaurant.
While Hannity never did earn a real college degree, Jerry Falwell eventually awarded him an honorary degree from Liberty University in 2005 with an honorary major in Narrowmindedness.
Bully pulpit #1: radio
Sean Hannity made his broadcasting debut on in 1989 at UC Santa Barbara, KCSB-FM. It should be emphasized that Hannity was not enrolled as a UCSB student at the time and was making no effort to broaden his intellectual horizons or acquire any knowledge or skills whatsoever. He did however create a radio show that was so hateful towards gays and lesbians that it was cancelled by management after spending two full episodes on a book called The AIDS Coverup, in which author Gene Antonio concluded that the entire homosexual population should be confined to camps to protect the hetero public from AIDS. In one measure of this book’s quality, almost 200 copies are currently available at Amazon.com for the bargain price of $0.01 each.
After this incident, Hannity employed one of his patented dick techniques mentioned earlier: lying. This lie in particular involved placing an ad in radio industry trade papers referring to himself as “the most talked about college radio host in America.” Putting aside the fact that such claims are unable to be quantified, the dickish artistry of this lie is that the only reason anybody was talking about him was because he was unceremoniously fired for gay bashing. Seeing Hannity’s ad, Alabama radio station WVNN hired him as an afternoon talk show host. It would not be the last time red state residents bought into his mangled version of the truth.
After rising up through the larger markets of Atlanta and New York, Hannity finally reached the top of the loudmouth AM radio pantheon when his modestly titled The Sean Hannity Show began preaching to the choir on over 500 stations nationwide.
Bully pulpit #2: television
In 1996, Roger Ailes found in Hannity exactly the kind of pseudo-journalist he required for his new pseudo-news channel, known as FOX News. As a good indication of the type of “fair and balanced” show Ailes and Hannity had in mind, the show was known among staffers as Hannity and Liberal to be Determined. An even better indication was that the “liberal” they hired was a stand-up comic and self-proclaimed moderate named Alan Colmes.
With the ideological seesaw firmly slanted to the right, the renamed Hannity and Colmes took the to the air, providing America with a lopsided nightly political debate that resembled a Harlem Globetrotters/Washington Generals matchup. Fox News viewers watched in awe as Meadowlark Hannity ran every dick play in the book: The ol’ basketball on a rubber band trick (seemingly giving Colmes a moment to talk then yanking the spotlight back to him), the classic confetti in the water bucket gag (pretending to talk about one issue but then switching the topic if Colmes made a decent point), and the famous behind-the-back-through-the-legs passing drill to the tune of "Sweet Georgia Brown” (screaming at the top of his lungs over liberal guests and then ending the interview before they had a chance to get a word in).
And as if Hannity didn’t have ever other advantage under the sun, it should also be noted that in addition to his overall deficiencies in representing the left side of the political spectrum, Alan Colmes is just an all-around weird looking dude.
Bully pulpit #3: books
Just because Sean Hannity never saw any reason to learn from books, doesn’t mean he couldn’t write one (or at least dictate words into a tape recorder while driving and then pay somebody else to make it into one). Ironically, both Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Ideas in Politics, Media, and Life and Deliver Us from Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism rose to the top of the best seller list of Hannity’s favorite “liberal conspiracy rag”, the New York Times. It might just be the one Times article Hannity never condemned.
Bully pulpit #4: internet dating?
Most political pundits call it a day after conquering radio, TV, and print, but not Sean Hannity. In keeping with the Republican platform, he would not rest until he had a direct role in the love lives of American citizens, and thus he launched Hannidate, “the place where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet.” We have a team of professional comedy writers on staff here, and none of them were able to come up with any joke funnier than the fact that this website actually exists.
