Scott McClellan
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Best known for recently being cast by Republicans as Judas to George W. Bush’s Jesus Christ, McClellan falls into the “hypocrite” genus of the dick family. Common hypocrite characteristics include accepting money and fame in exchange for doing something one doesn’t believe is right, completely changing one’s account of those past actions in exchange for even more money and fame, and most importantly, not seeing why there is anything wrong with either of those two things.
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Family
Born in Austin, Texas, McClellan was destined to be a dick before he was even conceived. His father, Barr McClellan is an attorney, a profession almost exclusively held by dicks. His mother, Carole Keeton Strayhorn is a former mayor of Austin and Texas state comptroller, and also most likely a dick due to her career in politics. The dick gene does not skip a generation, so baby Scott never even had a chance.
Ironically, for a man who would grow up to make a living by talking for hours on end, McClellan shares a birthday with Teller, the silent half of comedy/magic duo Penn & Teller, and former Teamster president Jimmy Hoffa who has not spoken for 33 years and counting.
All three of McClellan’s brothers are also involved in politics. Mark is the current Medicare director for the Bush Aministration, Brad is his mother’s gubernatorial campaign manager, and Dudley is current Assistant Chief Disciplinary Counsel for the State Bar of Texas. Together, the four siblings are like a dick octopus with veiny tentacles reaching all over the country.
Scott learned an important life lesson from his father about how throwing people under the bus in a literary expose can be a profitable business venture. Papa McClellan’s Blood, Money & Power: How LBJ Killed JFK alleged that Lyndon B. Johnson was a conspirator in the assassination of JFK. The book became a best-seller in 2003. However, Scott failed to take into account that the lack of a scathing Johnson administration response to his Dad’s book was probably because most of those people have been long dead.
College and post-college years
McClellan went to college at the University of Texas, known nationwide as a top-notch dick training facility, teaching the Dicks of Tomorrow how to watch college football while drinking beer through funnels attached to rubber tubing. Young Scotty Mac also served as president of the Sigma Phi Epsilon Texas Alpha Chapter. While the scientific community is still divided on whether frat boys are true dicks or if they are actually douchebags who often exhibit dickish behavior, either way it is very likely that McClellan was required to insert something into his anus during rush week. His tell-all book about Sig Ep, The Cookie Under the Ookie, is expected to be published in early 2009.
The Bush Administration: "What a great place to work!"
After graduating, McClellan was carefully selected through a grueling interview process to be a three-time campaign manager for his mother. He followed up this career success with a real job serving as then-Governor George W. Bush's traveling press secretary during the 2000 presidential election, and was subsequently hired as deputy press secretary in Bush 43’s administration. The most important function of this position is to back up the real press secretary when he lies to protect the administration’s secret agenda, and also to fill in for him when he calls in sick after going out boozing the night before.
After Ari Fleischer dickishly decided to “spend more time with his family” just as the Valerie Plame affair began to break, McClellan was promoted to White House press secretary. The official responsibilities of the post involve collecting information like the President's daily schedule or the official position of the Administration on the news of the day, and getting that information to the media in a timely and accurate fashion. The unofficial responsibility is to mislead the press by being a mouthpiece for the administrations strict talking points.
The press secretary traditionally fields questions from the White House Press Corps in briefings and televised press conferences. During his tenure, McClellan used these briefings to dickishly disseminate false information on a variety of subjects including: why the administration declared war on Iraq (Saddam has WMDs!), the Valerie Plame investigation (Karl Rove’s an honest man!), and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina (We got this one covered!)
Bush Administration: Spewers of "Aggressive Political Propaganda"
Two years after resigning his job as Press Secretary, McClellan burst back onto the political scene in May 2008, sticking it to his former colleagues with a memoir entitled What Happened.
Originally titled Take That, Jerks, the book bluntly accuses President Bush of "self-deception,” and his administration of maintaining a "permanent campaign approach" to governing rather than making choices based on what’s best for the country. McClellan also describes Bush’s selling the Iraq War with an aggressive "political propaganda campaign" instead of the facts, truth, or other realities. In his book, McClellan scolds the news media for being too accepting of the very lies he himself told them about Iraq, a dick move so audaciously shameless that your head might implode if you think about it too long.
Almost immediately after being accused of using aggressive political propaganda, the Bush administration denounced McClellan’s book and began to get out their side of the story via aggressive political propaganda. One by one, former White House staffers, including Karl Rove, Dan Bartlett, Ari Fleischer, and Mary Matalin began referring to McClellan as “disgruntled” and lamented that “this is not the Scott we knew.” Ironically, this attack on McClellan’s credibility as former press secretary was orchestrated by current press secretary, the dickish but undeniably adorable Dana Perino. Her memoir, What Happened with What Happened is due to hit bookstores the day after Bush leaves office.
Former Republican Senator Bob Dole wrote McClellan a scathing e-mail, calling him a "greedy opportunist" and an example of "miserable creatures who don't have the guts to speak up or quit.” This message was notable mainly because it proves that Dole not only knows what a computer is, but apparently figured out how to use one.
McClellan’s response to this intense criticism has been that while on the job, he gave the administration the "benefit of the doubt," and did not fully realize the context of his actions until he left the "White House bubble." And why would you expect any less from the guy who tried to make us all believe that Saddam Hussein was driving mobile nuclear weapons laboratories in circles around UN inspectors?
Trivia
- There have been several unsubstantiated rumors that Scott McClellan is a closeted homosexual. While those reports have not been confirmed, the guy is a successful 40-year-old former high ranking government official who has never been romantically linked to a woman and had a “close working relationship” with White House reporter/gay male prostitute Jeff Gannon, so you do the math.
