Sarah Palin
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
The only thing Sarah Palin seems to enjoy more than having children is giving those children ridiculous names and inadequate sex education.
Palin served as both a city councilor and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a nightmare of suburban sprawl located in the armpit of the state’s two major highways. Somehow, she was elected governor of Alaska in 2006, not only becoming the first woman, but also the hottest chick ever to hold the office.
On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain performed perhaps the greatest political mindfuck in American history by announcing that he had chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin celebrated by ovulating.
Sarah Palin was helped inordinately by the fact that no one knew anything about her or Alaska, and probably never really will. Regardless of whether she was a disastrous pick for the McCampaign, Sarah Palin is a total MILF.
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Early life and "education"
Sarah Palin began her shockingly easy ascent from second place in a beauty pageant to potential second-in-command of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal from her birth on February 11, 1964, a birthday she shares with Burt Reynolds, Jeb Bush, Sheryl Crow, and TV’s Moesha, who also had her share of run-ins with unplanned pregnancy. Born Sarah Louise Heath in Sandpoint, Idaho, Palin grew up mostly in Wasilla, Alaska, a town that has also given the world porn actress April Flowers, star of such classics as Dead Men Don’t Wear Rubbers, Sodomania Slop Shots 9, and 100% Blowjobs 32, 26, 21, and, to a lesser extent, 18. As a student and basketball player at Wasilla High School, she earned the nickname “Sarah Barracuda,” presumably for her powerful jaws, bony web-like fins, and small smooth scales.
In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is unless you’ve ever met a girl from Wasilla, few of whom have either a full set of teeth or a vacant womb. She then finished runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is considering the state is nearly 75% male.
After attending Hawaii Pacific University for a semester—apparently it wasn’t enough of a party school for her—Palin transferred to North Idaho College and then University of Idaho. In 1987, she received a BS in communications, with a minor in political science. That’s right, a poli-sci minor. VP candidate Joe Biden’s 30-plus-year career as U.S. senator pales in comparison, and anyone who says different is sexist.
Political "career"
After a brief stint as a local sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage, Palin decided the next logical step was politics, winning two terms on the Wasilla city council.
In 1996, she ran as a Republican for the non-partisan position of mayor, highlighting such issues as abortion, gun control, and religion, each of prime importance for a town that, at the time, consisted of fewer than 5,000 people who mostly crapped in outhouses. Palin won. (Wasilla also boasts a 1:6 citizen-to-church ratio.)
As mayor of Wasilla, Sarah Palin went to work immediately fighting big government by cutting funding to the city museum and shaking up the “Alaska old boy network” by firing the town librarian (who was, in fact, an old woman). Re-elected in 1999, Palin shook up the old boy network even further by working with Ted Stevens’ chief of staff to obtain tens of millions of dollars in federal earmarks. Term limits may have prevented her running a third time, but they didn’t stop her from totally dicking over her step-mother-in-law in the 2002 Wasilla mayoral election by endorsing her opponent. The opponent won.
Palin made an unsuccessful bid for lieutenant governor in 2002, spewed further offspring, and was then appointed by arctic dick Governor Frank Murkowski to chair the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. She repaid Murkowski by unseating him less than three years later in the Republican gubernatorial primary, running on a clean-government platform, opposed to earmarks—like the ones she garnered for Wasilla—and political nepotism—like her appointment to the Oil and Gas Commission.
Endorsed by Ted Stevens, the consummate Alaskan old boy, Palin was elected the first female governor of Alaska, “The Last Dick Frontier.” She was also the youngest governor in state history, as well as the first governor not to be inaugurated in Juneau, the state’s charming little capital, and a city she has spent her entire 20-months in office dismantling by spitefully and systematically moving the state government—by far Juneau’s largest employer—to Wasilla. Incidentally, Juneau is the only blue part of an otherwise very red state.
In her less than two-years as governor, Sarah Palin has yet to engender the type of scorn voters usually heap upon a governor closer to the five-year mark. The important thing to remember about Alaska is that nothing really goes on there, aside from melting permafrost and lots of drinking… paid for in part by the $1200 checks Palin ordered cut to every Alaskan resident. No wonder she boasts the highest approval rating of any governor in the country.
In 2006, after initially supporting it, Sarah Palin ordered work stoppage on Ketchikan’s Gravina Island Bridge, better known as the "Bridge to Nowhere." Interestingly enough, that particular bridge to nowhere—the state has two—actually was to somewhere, namely Ketchikan International Airport. Palin did not stop construction on the road to the Bridge to Nowhere, which, when you think about it, is kind of an even bigger waste of money.
Perhaps Palin’s greatest achievement as governor was firing Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan in retaliation for refusing to fire an Alaska State Trooper, who also happens to be her ex-brother-in-law. (Pay attention now, and try to stick with us.) She had originally wanted to fire this trooper in retaliation for a child custody battle he happened to be having with her sister. The scandal has become known as "Troopergate," which, despite not really being all that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, will most likely stick around in the news simply because everyone loves a “gate.”
2008 vice-presidential "campaign"
On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin’s selection surprised many people, especially because most speculation had centered on Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, Tom Ridge, and Joe Lieberman, none of whom have any sex appeal at all. Especially Joe Lieberman.
Reaction to Palin’s nomination was mixed, just the way you’d expect it to be: conservatives were psyched, liberals outraged, and the news networks excited to have something else to talk about after Hurricane Gustav turned out to be a big bust.
Most discussion centered around Palin’s relative deficit of experience, or surfeit of experience, depending on who you ask. Regardless, Palin demonstrated her ability to read a speech someone else had written for her off a teleprompter, and when push comes to shove, that’s really all she needs to be able to do.
Political "positions"
Sarah Palin’s political views are totally cribbed from the "Focus on the Family" website. Pro-life, unless you’re talking about the life of a criminal; limited government involvement in people’s lives, unless those people have a uterus or are gay and want to get married; and guns for whoever wants them, as many as they like, unless they look Islamic, in which case they should be detained indefinitely, preferably naked and arranged in a human pyramid.
"Personal" life
Sarah Palin describes herself as a “hockey mom,” even though only one of her five kids ever played hockey… a long time ago. Her unmarried 17-year-old daughter was impregnated by a hockey player, but that hardly counts.
Palin married her high school boyfriend Todd—a very common dick name—in 1988 when she was 24, and, if you do the math, also knocked-up. The couple has five children: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig. Should she birth any further issue—and she very well might—it is entirely possible she will name it Trix Rabbit Palin.
Two days after she was named as McCain’s running mate, Palin announced that her daughter Bristol was five months pregnant, would keep the baby, and marry the teenage father. After several days of being chewed over by the media, both campaigns decided to make family off-limits. Off-limits, that is, until the she decides to "mysteriously" leak a story that Malia Obama is pregnant, too.
Post-campaign "rest"
While it's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with John McCain's campaign, most observers would argue the wheels started to come off when his Vice-Presidential candidate's winking became a substantive campaign strategy.
In the months following the election, Palin returned to playing governor in Alaska while everyone began learning exactly how much of a screw-up candidate she'd actually been. At one point in the campaign, Palin apparently went on an incredible shopping spree the likes of which had not been seen since the Big Lots in Wasilla had a liquidation.
During one campaign strategy session at a hotel, she greeted senior officials dressed in a towel, which while perhaps acceptable for a militia fundraising calendar around the holidays, is considered rude and discourteous in many professional circles.
Though most Americans agreed that Palin was unfit for the Presidency, there are still enough salivating, sexually-repressed Republican men out there who can't get enough of her use of the word "drill." Experts point out that this strategy for selecting a candidate is not historically successful, which explains the dearth of county commission seats filled by former Scores dancers.
This has led Palin to found SarahPAC, a political action committee geared toward energy independence, financing her probable future campaigns, and bribing her children's baby-daddies.
In a 2009 Conservative Political Action Conference poll, Palin came in third for "who conservatives would be most likely to support for president in 2012" appropriately tying Ron Paul, the only other candidate on the ballot whose supporters are super into shooting things.
Palin is also writing a book to be released in spring 2010, though it is currently unknown what the title will be or how many times the word "Snowmachine" will appear.
If there was any doubt that Palin would eventually be running for President, it was dispelled in mid-2009 during her public "feud" with talk show host David Letterman after some remarks he made about her family. In response to Letterman's supposed tasteless exploitation of her daughter for his own benefit, Palin appeared on nearly every network to tastelessly exploit her daughter for her own benefit.
Pit Bull
During her VP nomination acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin displayed what some might call a sense of humor by asking, "What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?" Her answer: lipstick. There are at least four funnier punch lines than that. They are as follows:
"You can’t keep a hockey mom chained to a post in your backyard with a bowl of water all day."
"Hockey moms are still legal in some states."
"Michael Vick."
"Pit bulls don’t drive mini-vans. Or wear panty-liners."
Also, here’s another Sarah Palin riddle for you that we came up with: - How can you tell if Sarah Palin is cheating on you with another guy? - Earmarks.
Come on, that’s not bad.
