Santa Claus
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In Western cultures, Santa Claus is thought of as bringing gifts on Christmas day, or, as it’s now known, The Day Before The Day After Christmas Sales.
The modern depiction of Santa Claus as a fat man wearing a red coat and pants with white cuffs and collar, and black leather belt and boots was not based on Rush Limbaugh. Rather, it was popularized in the United States in the 19th century drawings of political cartoonist Thomas Nast. It has since become the basis for a notable number of bad movies starring Tim Allen.
One legend associated with Santa holds that he lives in a land of perpetual snow. The American version of Santa Claus lives at the North Pole, while Father Christmas is said to reside in Finland. Other legends say that he is married and lives with Mrs. Claus, while still another says that Santa and Mrs. Claus had a bitter separation over what Mrs. Claus said was a “serious drinking problem,” which Santa Claus maintained was just being “jolly.”
Many accounts of Santa Claus say that he delivers presents to all of the good boys and girls in the world in one night, and that he accomplishes this feat with the aid of magical elves who make the toys and the flying reindeer who pull his sleigh. Such a thing is, of course, preposterous, much like, say, a country invading another country that never attacked it and then being greeting as liberators. But myths such as these are entertaining to children, and, on occasion, adults, who are commonly known as “simpletons” or “half-wits.”
Many Christians are opposed to teaching children to believe in Santa Claus because the tradition detracts from the religious purpose of Christmas. Some Christians also believe there is a so-called “War On Christmas.” This refers to what the Christians believe is an organized effort, led mostly by Jews, to deny the Christians the right to celebrate Christmas as they wish, which mainly involves saying “Merry Christmas” to Jews, or, “being an a-hole.”
Though there is some debate about what leads someone to believe there is such thing “War on Christmas,” consensus is coalescing around the theory that it stems from watching “Fox News” while licking Chinese toys.
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Origins
Early Christian origins
Saint Nicholas of Myra is the main inspiration for the Christian figure of Santa Claus. He was a 4th century Christian bishop in Lycia, now in Turkey. Nicholas was famous for his gifts to the poor, in particular giving dowries to three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian so they would not have to become prostitutes, or what we would now know as “Spears sisters.” Why Saint Nicholas was so interested in giving gifts to three single sisters is unknown, but that part of the story is thought to be the inspiration for many modern day “rap” videos.
The relics of St. Nicholas were later transported to Bari in southern Italy, where a basilica was constructed in 1087 to house them. The site then became a pilgrimage site for the devout, which is considered to be a nicer way of saying “the sort of people who believe they see the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or the steam on their shower door.” It is generally thought of as a very bad idea to ever make conversation or even eye contact with such people.
Influence of Germanic paganism and folklore
Numerous parallels have been drawn between Santa Claus and the figure of Odin, a major god among the Germanic Peoples prior to their Christianization. What part the figure played in what many perceived to be a slight hostility by the Germans toward the Jews is unclear.
Odin was celebrated at the native Germanic holiday of Yule and was depicted as a mysterious old man with a beard. Children would place their boots, filled with carrots or straw, near the chimney for Odin's flying horse, Sleipnir. Odin would then replace Sleipnir's food with gifts.
The idea of a mysterious old man who likes to roam neighborhoods at night and secretly give candy to children later became an inspiration for a tradition known as the “pedophile.” This, in turn, became the inspiration for a group of people even worse than pedophiles. They’re known as the producers and hosts of a show called “To Catch a Predator,” on NBC.
Modern Origins
Pre-modern representations of the gift-giver from church history and folklore merged with the British character Father Christmas to create the character known to Britons and Americans as Santa Claus. He was reflected in the "Ghost of Christmas Present" in Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol. Later, the depictions of a Santa character by Tim Allen and Billy Bob Thornton merged into the memory of one bad movie.
Modern ideas of Santa Claus crystallized after the poem by Clement Clarke Moore called "A Visit From St. Nicholas” was published in 1823 in the Troy, New York Sentinel. In this poem Santa is established as a heavyset individual with eight reindeer, who are named for the first time. The original eight were Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder and Pete Best, who was later replaced by Blitzen. Rudolph was not added until the late 1930’s. It is now generally accepted that Rudolph was, in fact, gay, which is thought to be the reason the other reindeer not only laughed and called him names, but refused to let Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Plus, c’mon people, who are we kidding, here -- he had a glowing red nose.
In 1889, the poet Katherine Lee Bates created a wife for Santa, Mrs. Claus, in the poem "Goody Santa Claus on a Sleigh Ride." In 1956 a song by George Melachrino, "Mrs. Santa Claus," helped establish the character in the popular imagination. Mrs. Santa is a slightly heavy-set woman who doesn’t seem to mind that her husband flies goes off in the middle of night without her to visit other people around the world. She later became the inspiration for Mrs. Larry Craig. And Mrs. Ted Haggard. And Mrs. David Vitter.
Santa Claus in popular culture
By the end of the 20th century, the reality of mass mechanized production became more fully accepted by the Western public. That shift was reflected in the modern depiction of Santa's residence—now often portrayed as a fully mechanized production and distribution facility overseen by Santa and Mrs. Claus and staffed by elves. In the first years of the 21st century, the latter detail caused controversy after it was revealed that the elves were, in fact, undocumented. A racist man named Lou Dobbs, who has an oversized head, was outraged by this, asserting that the “illegal elves” were “taking jobs away” from “elves born in the North Pole.” Dobbs’ head would later grow so large it finally exploded after someone in the street said “hola” to him.
One of the primary ways in which of the influence of Santa Claus in everyday life is still carried on is through the guy who is always on your flight during Christmas travel season wearing the Santa hat because he considers this cute. He is often inebriated and desperate for you to talk to him. This is not a good idea, for it will encourage him to do it again next year. He is also frequently found at office holiday parties. The best response when encountering him is for the group to close ranks and club him. To death.
Controversies
Environmental
As concerns about global warming increased, so did scrutiny of Santa’s travel methods. Though a sleigh being pulled by reindeer was long thought to be an efficient, or “green” form of transportation, studies found that, in fact, the ozone depletion at the north pole was being accelerated by the methane gas produced by the reindeer, especially Prancer. Also, it was revealed that the other 364 days of the year Santa travels by private jet.
Weight
Since the inception of the story of Santa, societal attitudes about weight and its effects on overall health have also changed. In recent years, Santa underwent dramatic weight loss. He attributed his new physique to “exercise and a disciplined diet planned.” But rumors persisted that the weight loss was, in fact, due to gastric bypass surgery, which Santa adamantly denies.
DUI and racist remarks
In 2006, Santa, driving his sleigh, was pulled over. A test showed that his blood alcohol level was .13, well over the .08 legal limit. Upon being cited by the officer, Santa exploded with rage, reportedly yelling “F*** the Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!”
Santa subsequently said that he wanted to “apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words." He also said that he “pushes the envelope a lot” and “works in a very uncontrolled manner.” He said he is “not racist” and “that’s what so insane about this, and yet it’s said, it comes through, it fires out of me and even now in the passion that’s here as I confront myself.” He promised to “get to the force field of this hostility, why it’s there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place.”
He also apologized to the “elf community,” and Mrs Claus, and pledged to “meet with leaders of the Jewish faith” to “allow the healing to begin.”
He later blamed the outburst on a substance abuse problem stemming from the overuse of pain relief pills prescribed for a back problem due to his weight. He attended a 30 day rehabilitation program at a clinic called “Promises” in Malibu, California.
