Russell Crowe
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After establishing himself as a household name by appearing in such classics as Mystery, Alaska, Russell Crowe went on to star in every Ridley Scott film ever made. This includes Gladiator, a movie for which Crowe won the Oscar for "Best Mandals." They really were exquisite mandals: strappy, all kinds of buckles. They’d be the pride of any former-Yugoslavian’s shoe collection.
Russell Crowe is an Australian. His accent, however, comes and goes, especially during films in which he’s supposed to be a tobacco industry insider. Or a hard-boiled NYPD detective. Or a Depression-era boxer. Or any role aside from drunk, violent prima donna.
Once again, with the release of Body of Lies, Ridley Scott has tapped Russell Crowe to slather yet another man-biscuit of a movie with his hot country gravy. This time he is paired with Leonardo DiCaprio, who has himself once again grown a nice little geopolitical thriller goatee-mustache.
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Early Life
Russell Crowe began his meteoric rise from poor man’s Mel Gibson to slightly richer but still poor man’s Mel Gibson from his birth on April 7, 1964, a birthday he shares with Ravi Shankar and Oates (as in “Hall &”).
Interestingly enough, Russell Crowe is not originally from down under, the land where beer does flow and men chunder. He was actually born in New Zealand, which is kind of like Australia’s baby brother—the one that wasn’t eaten by a dingo.
Born Russell Ira Crowe—that’s right, his middle name is Ira—to a pair of movie set caterers, he also claims to be part Maori, a warlike indigenous people known for its elaborate tattoos and choreographed fighting style, which often incorporates beating up innocent desk clerks with a telephone. He is a cousin of both Martin and Jeff Crowe, two of the greatest cricket players in New Zealand history. This fact would be impressive if anyone gave a crap either about cricket or New Zealand, except as a location to shoot an elaborate film trilogy.
After bouncing back and forth between New Zealand and Australia throughout his teens and early 20s, Russell Crowe—a high school drop-out—appeared on an Australian soap opera and in an Australian cop drama, but was spared the indignity of winding up in Australian soft-core porn by landing several roles in Australian shoot-em-ups. In 1992, Crowe starred in Romper Stomper, for which the Australian Film Institute awarded him Best Actor. This fact would be impressive if anyone gave a crap either about non-Academy Awards or Australia, except as a location for American dicks to go on their honeymoons.
Career
Despite being completely untrained and beginning his Hollywood film career in action movies that didn’t require him to do much more than clench his fists and glower, Russell Crowe has grown into a highly bankable actor. Throughout his career, he has been a loner, a fighter, and a delusional obsessive prone to psychotic episodes. He has also played these roles on film.
Crowe is perhaps best known in the role of Maximus in Gladiator, a mediocre period blockbuster whose easy success against comparatively weak competition ensures that Hollywood will crank out at least one big-budget homoerotic sword and sandal flick every year for decades to come. He is also known for star turns in A Beautiful Mind and Cinderella Man, both directed by Ron Howard, who was apparently on the rebound after breaking off a serious man crush on Tom Hanks.
Like many dicks, Russell Crowe thinks he can play guitar. And sing. In pub-rock bands with ridiculous names like 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. Unfortunately, the only one of these suppositions that is true is that Crowe’s band is actually called 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.
Personal Life
Russell Crowe is married to Australian singer and actress Danielle Spencer, best known for her role as Russell Crowe’s wife. The couple has two sons, Charles and Tennyson. Naming a kid Tennyson. That’s the kind of pretentious crap you’d expect from Ethan Hawke, maybe, but definitely not Russell Crowe.
For much of the year, Crowe lives in Australia, either at his home at Finger Wharf in Woolloomooloo or in Nana Glen near Coffs Harbour. No, those aren’t made up places.
Russell Crowe is a noted fan of both cricket and rugby. Other hobbies include scuffling, pushing-and-shoving, yelling obscenities at BBC producers, and inflicting facial lacerations on hotel concierges.
Trivia
- According to the FBI, Russell Crowe was an al-Qaeda target for several months in early 2001. One can only contemplate the consequences had they succeeded.
- Russell Crowe owns a professional rugby team. It’s very hard to tell if that’s cool or not.
- Russell Crowe is a self-avowed Toronto Maple Leafs fan. It’s also very hard to tell if that’s cool or not.
