Rudy Giuliani
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A Democrat and Independent in the 1970s, Giuliani was considered a socially liberal Republican in the 1980s and 1990s, at least if you don’t count attitudes toward black people. Giuliani does not like black people. His run for president made it clear that Giuliani has no core political ideology at all, except for an insatiable thirst for power.
Giuliani gained international attention during and after the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center, as he is sure to mention every time he opens his mouth. For instance, if Giuliani is at a restaurant and he wants the eggs, when the waitress comes to take his order he will say, “I’ll have the eggs. Also, I was the hero of 9/11.” It is the cornerstone of his campaign. Without 9/11, his campaign would have to go with, “Giuliani: He’s a Loathsome, Power-mad Lunatic,” which, many political observers note, is generally considered not to be an effective electoral strategy.
After finally leaving office as mayor, Giuliani founded Giuliani Partners, a corrupt security consulting business; acquired Giuliani Capital Advisors (later sold), a corrupt investment-banking firm; and joined the Bracewell & Giuliani law firm, a corrupt law firm.
In February of 2007, Giuliani decided to give all Americans the chance to feel the same visceral hatred for him that New Yorkers did by the time he finally left them alone, and filed a statement of candidacy for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination.
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Early life and education
Rudolph Giuliani was inflicted on the world by Harold Angel Giuliani and Helen C. D'Avanzo, both children of Italian immigrants. Though scientists disagree about whether the primary factor responsible for dickishness is environmental or genetic, it is generally thought unlikely that dickishness of the level found in Giuliani could be attributed solely to environmental causes. Most non-dicks are therefore relieved that Harold and Helen Giuliani stopped having children after Rudy was born.
In 1951, when Rudy Giuliani was seven, his family moved from Brooklyn, NY to Long Island, home of fellow dick Bill O’Reilly.
Giuliani went on to Manhattan College in Riverdale, Bronx, where he majored in political science, allowing him to hate democracy in a more intelligent fashion. While there, he also considered becoming a Catholic priest. About his decision not to pursue ministry, Giuliani has said the choice would probably have been different “if the priesthood had encompassed marriage.” Or, in Giuliani’s case, three marriages.
Giuliani was elected class president in his sophomore year, but was not re-elected in his junior year, proving that the now-accepted axiom “the more you know Giuliani, the less you like him” was established at least as early as the 1960s.
After attending NYU law school, Giuliani clerked for a United States district judge. At the time, the United States was engaged in the war in Vietnam. Giuliani supported the war, and would have fought in it if he hadn’t been born with a crippling disability: a complete lack of courage. Fortunately, there were plenty of poor people and minorities who did not have this disability, so by the time Giuliani’s three deferments ran out and he was no longer able to avoid getting a draft number, he was never called.
Why certain people are born with bodies unable to manufacture the neuro-compounds that make up courage is unknown. In some instances, including Giuliani’s, the condition is, oddly, coupled with a strong desire to create situations in which courage is required, especially war.
A person with this combination is known as a “Chickenhawk.” There is still, as yet, no cure for this condition. It is not life-threatening, though one of its unfortunate side-effects is the greatly increased likelihood of one ending up as a fellow at the Heritage Foundation or a senior official in a Republican administration.
Public prosecutor and private practice
In 1970, Giuliani decided to make a career out of his natural dick talents. Accordingly, he became a federal prosecutor. In 1981, Giuliani became Associate Attorney General for President Ronald Reagan.
Typical of Giuliani’s service to the country was a 1982 case regarding the internment of over 2,000 Haitian asylum-seekers. Arguing that they should not be let in, Giuliani stated that repression under President Jean-Claude Duvalier (the infamous dictator "Baby Doc,") no longer existed. The asylum-seekers were sent back to Haiti, where they were likely not-repressed to death.
In 1983, Giuliani was inflicted on New York, becoming the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York. Here Giuliani invented the "perp walk," the practice of parading unconvicted suspects in front of the media, which had been previously contacted by Giuliani’s office. Giuliani would often do this for cases in which he knew that there was little or no evidence, but did it anyway to mete out punishment to those he disliked.
In 1987, Giuliani had Richard Wigton, a trader at Kidder, Peabody & Co., handcuffed and paraded through the trading floor with Wigton in tears. All charges were later dropped. He also arrested arbitrageur Tim Tabor, deliberately doing it late enough so that Tabor would have to spend the night in jail. All charges were dropped. Their reputations were destroyed, but Giuliani was able to get a little more airtime. Oh well.
Many psychologists believe the insatiable need to humiliate and degrade others in order to enhance one’s own image stems from deep-seated sexual insecurity. Given the sexual nature of sadism, it is unsurprising that, if conditions remain constant, the sexual thrill the sadist receives will diminish over time. Therefore in order to receive the same sexual stimulation, the deviant will seek to gradually but continually increase his power to humiliate and degrade.
Accordingly, Giuliani set his sights on becoming Mayor.
Mayoral campaigns, 1989, 1993, 1997
1989 campaign and defeat
In 1989, Giuliani ran for New York City Mayor against incumbent Ed Koch. Giuliani won the Republican primary, garnering that party’s crucial dick vote, while Koch was upset by David Dinkins. Giuliani narrowly lost and then gave an unhinged election night speech in which he screamed at his supporters to be quiet. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Giuliani shouted. "Stop that, no. Quiet. Quiet!”
1993 campaign and election
In 1993, Giuliani again ran for Mayor of New York City. One of the main issues of the election was “crime,” which is to be distinguished from crime. “Crime,” in the context of a political campaign, is how Republicans talk about black people. In Giuliani’s case, he used the term “squeegee men” as a symbol, by which Giuliani said to white New Yorkers that, if elected, he wasn’t going to be so kind to the blacks. He lived up to that promise.
Though there was a public perception that crime was increasing, the crime rate, while having peaked early in the Dinkins administration, was actually falling in most categories for the years prior to the election.
Giuliani won by a margin of 53,367 votes, largely due to the margin he received in Staten Island. Staten Islanders have often voiced the desire to secede from New York City. New Yorkers in the other four boroughs have often wondered what is taking them so long. In any case, without Staten Island, considered by many to be the least “New York” of the city boroughs, there would never have been a “Mayor” Giuliani.
1997 campaign and re-election
Giuliani won reelection in 1997 against one of the worst candidates the Democratic party had nominated in recent elections, Ruth Messinger. Her only distinction was that she had managed to beat Al Sharpton in the Democratic primary.
Mayoralty
In his first term as mayor, Giuliani was responsible for a dramatic drop in the crime rate.
Actually, he was not, but that is one of the central premises of the Giuliani myth. Many factors were responsible for the reduction, notably Giuliani’s police commissioner William Bratton, who, along with his deputy commissioner Jack Maple, developed the Compstat system for monitoring and responding to crime neighborhood by neighborhood.
Other factors include the fact that crime had started to drop nationwide, attributed to demographic changes and a reduction in the crack epidemic. Also, 7,000 police officers had been added late in the Dinkins administration.
None of which stopped Giuliani from taking sole credit. In fact, when Bratton began receiving publicity for the excellent job he was doing, Giuliani, naturally, fired him.
Bernard Kerik
Giuliani would later appoint a stooge named Bernard Kerik as police commissioner. Kerik became one of Giuliani’s best friends and would later become Giuliani’s partner in Giuliani Partners, a corrupt security consulting firm Giuliani formed in 2002 to profit from the death and tragedy of 9/11. Giuliani also later recommended Kerik to President Bush to become the Secretary of Homeland Security. It was from the vetting for this position that it was revealed that not only was Kerik connected to the mob, but that he was one of the most corrupt public officials in the modern era.
In Kerik’s defense, however, there were several forms of corruption that Kerik was never even alleged to have been involved in. These include:
• Importing of rare and/or endangered species • Desecrating human remains • Genocide
Not so wild about the Blacks
For part of Giuliani’s first and second terms, he enjoyed moderately high approval ratings. But only among white people. This was because of his aggressive use of coded, race-based appeals to the worst instincts of New Yorkers.
In 1997, a Haitian immigrant named Abner Louima was brutally assaulted by police officer Justin Volpe. The officer was from Staten Island, Giuliani’s most supportive borough. Louima initially claimed that his attackers shouted, “This is Giuliani time!” during the assault. Later testimony cast doubt on this, though the reason the claim was so widely accepted at the time was because it felt true to many New Yorkers. It was, in fact, “Giuliani time.” If Giuliani is elected President, the rest of the country will find out what “Giuliani time” means. Should that happen, among the many ways Americans might possibly describe “Giuliani time,” “fun” will not likely be among them.
Another typical case at the time was that of Patrick Dorismond, a security guard and father of two. On March 16, 2000, he was standing outside a bar when two undercover police officers approached him and asked where they could buy marijuana. Dorismond told them he wasn’t a drug dealer. A scuffle ensued and so, this being “Giuliani time,” the officers shot and killed Dorismond.
The reaction of Giuliani, then involved in his abortive run for Senate against Hillary Clinton, was to offer a statement of support to the family and vow to investigate the matter. Just kidding! That’s what a non-racist who was not too cowardly to resist appealing to the lowest common denominator in a Senate campaign would have done. But this was Giuliani, and this was “Giuliani time.”
Instead, the next morning Giuliani released Dorismond’s sealed juvenile records to show that he was “no altar boy.” The records contained a misdemeanor that occurred when Dorismond was 13 years old. To many people, though not Giuliani, a misdemeanor at the age of 13 isn’t sufficient justification to be later murdered by police officers. But those people haven’t experienced “Giuliani time.” And, as it turned out, Dorismond was, in fact, a former altar boy. Though now he was a dead former altar boy.
True to form, Giuliani never apologized to the Dorismond family. New York City taxpayers, however, had to apologize for him, in the form of a $2.25 million settlement to the Dorismond family.
For this and other reasons, Giuliani’s popularity rating had fallen to the low 40’s by the time of 9/11, the event that Giuliani would happily use to enrich himself and revive his then-failing political career.
September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks
Giuliani’s prominence in the aftermath of the attacks of September 11, 2001 stems in large part from the lack of prominence of President Bush. Though Giuliani has based his entire presidential campaign on 9/11, the narrative he has constructed has many elements of what anthropologists call “myth.” ("Rudy Giuliani's Five Big Lies About 9/11," Village Voice)
Not mentioned in the Giuliani version is how he tried to use the events of 9/11 to actually extend his term in office under a proposed “emergency extension.” The State Assembly and Senate, however, having had enough of “Giuliani time,” declined his offer and decided, much to Giuliani’s chagrin, to stick with democracy and elections.
Similar was Giuliani’s decision to put the Office of Emergency Management in the 23rd floor of 7 World Trade Center. In the emergency management field, putting your emergency response center in the middle of the most likely place for an attack -- in a place that had, in fact, already been attacked -- is not considered a wise move.
When confronted about the decision, Giuliani took full responsibility. Kidding again! Of course he didn’t. Instead, he claimed that his Director of Emergency Management, Jerome M. Hauer, had recommended it. This was a lie.
The 9/11 Commission’s report noted that this decision and a lack of preparedness could have led to the deaths of first responders. The report also noted that antiquated fire department radios had been criticized for their ineffectiveness following the 1993 World Trade Center bombings. Giuliani could have upgraded those radios at the time, but his ambitious philandering schedule made it difficult for him to get around to it. This likely provides much solace to the families of the 343 firefighters who were inside the towers when they collapsed, unable to hear the order to evacuate on their “Giuliani time” radios.
Giuliani later claimed to have been at Ground Zero "as often, if not more, than most workers... I was there working with them. I was exposed to exactly the same things they were exposed to. So in that sense, I'm one of them." In Giuliani’s defense, records indicate that if any of those workers had spent only 29 hours at the site over the three months following the attacks, then, yes, Giuliani’s claim is true.
Contrary to the claims of his presidential campaign, many firefighters, police, rescue workers, and victims’ families argue that "Giuliani has exaggerated the role he played after the terrorist attacks, casting himself as a hero for political gain." But perhaps they are just jealous, due to their inability to follow the oft-stated maxim of Tammy Faye Bakker that “when life serves you lemons, make lemonade.”
Giuliani has been very good at making lemonade from the lemon of the attacks. Before 9/11, his net worth was put at less than $2 million. Now, it is as much as 30 times that.
Post-mayoralty
Since leaving office, Giuliani has devoted himself to the idea that the best way to honor those who sacrificed their lives on 9/11 would be to the cleanup, investigate how the response could have been better and figure out how to prevent another attack in the future make as much money as possible.
Giuliani Partners
In 2002, Giuliani formed Giuliani Partners LLC, which has since earned over $100 million.
Besides notoriously-corrupt-though-in-his-defense-never-accused-of-bestiality Bernard Kerik, other partners included former FBI agent Pasquale D'Amuro, who later admitted taking souvenirs from Ground Zero, and Monsignor Alan Placa, a former priest and high school friend of Giuliani’s who was accused of sexually molesting several children. Just the sort of personnel judgment America can expect if they elect to begin “Giuliani time” on a national basis.
Among the firm's clients was Qatar Minister Abdullah bin Khalifah Al Thani, who has numerous ties to al-Qaeda and, in the 1990s, helped Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (known as the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks) elude the FBI. But, more important for Giuliani, Al Thani’s checks were also good. It is unclear whether Giuliani ever sent any of the money he made from Al Thani to any of the victims of the attacks planned by Al Thani’s associate, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.
Bracewell & Giuliani
In 2005, Giuliani became a partner in the law firm of Bracewell & Patterson, later renamed Bracewell & Giuliani. The firm is best known for, as the New York Times put it, being "perhaps the nation’s most aggressive lobbyist for coal-fired power plants, heavy emitters of air pollutants and carbon dioxide, a gas associated with global warming.”
But, as with the terror associates, polluters checks almost always go through.
Giuliani’s clients have included the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, chewing tobacco manufacturer UST Inc, and Purdue Pharma, the makers of Oxycontin, the drug of choice of fellow dick Rush Limbaugh. Giuliani negotiated on their behalf with federal prosecutors over charges that the company misled the public (including, perhaps, Limbaugh) about Oxycontin's addictive properties.
With such a professional background, there was only one logical thing for Giuliani to do: run for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.
Personal life & serial philandering
Once one becomes acquainted with Giuliani it is no surprise that he has trouble keeping a woman in a marriage. It is, however, surprising that he is always able to find another woman with whom to cheat on the current one. Fortunately for Giuliani, there is, as yet, no shortage of women with self-esteem problems and/or those who were so damaged by domineering fathers that they respond favorably to a dick like Giuliani.
In November of 2007, it was revealed that, in his second term as mayor, Giuliani provided his then-mistress Judy Nathan with taxpayer-funded security and transportation while the two carried on their affair unbeknownst to Donna Hanover, his second wife.
Some Giuliani critics have tried to cast the Giuliani-Nathan relationship as somehow tawdry and classless. But, in fact, the two met at an Upper East Side cigar bar called Club Macanudo, the sort of establishment that is very, very classy, frequented by classy investment bankers and classy escorts, who charge rates well-above those of less classy street-walkers.
Critics have also disparaged the way Giuliani chose to end the relationship. His supporters contend that, in fact, Giuliani did not do it over email or in a phone call, ways considered to be not very classy. Instead, Giuliani chose to inform Hanover that he was seeking a divorce in the classiest way possible: in a television press conference.
Campaign for United States President, 2008 election
Giuliani’s entire campaign was based on the following syllogism:
- Major premise: New York City was attacked on 9/11.
- Minor premise: I was Mayor of New York City.
- Conclusion: I should be President of the United States.
Many initially wondered if American voters would be dumb enough to fall for such a strategy, but Giuliani dropped out of the race on January 30, 2008 indicating: even an electorate that allowed Matthew McConaughey to have a career has limits to its dick tolerance.
