Ronald Reagan
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Ronald Wilson Reagan (February 6, 1911 – June 5, 2004) was an actor, a Governor of California, the 40th President of the United States and a dick.
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Early life and Family
Ronald Reagan grew up in Dixon, Illinois. His father was a drunk dick, and his mother a dick enabler. His first job was that of a lifeguard, on the Rock River. Over the course of seven summers, Reagan was credited with saving 77 lives, only 66,923 less than were murdered in El Salvador and Honduras by death squads he supported during his Presidency. Granted, some of those people were probably also dicks who had it coming.
In 1948, Ronald Reagan divorced his Oscar-winning wife Jane Wyman, and replaced her with the less talented, but more pregnant Nancy Davis.
Reagan famously adored and depended on his wife Nancy, but was somewhat less enamored of their children, particularly Ron, Reagan’s namesake son who later became a ballet dancer.
Hollywood
Reagan started his show business career in radio. In the 1930’s, he was the announcer for the Chicago Cubs, bringing them the incredible good luck that would lead to championship after championship in the ensuing century.
After passing a Warner Brothers screen test, he enjoyed a B-movie career that, were one a film historian, one might describe as “David Spadey” or “Spadian.”
World War II
In November of 1941 after completing an Army home-study course, Ronald Reagan enlisted and was placed in active duty, but got disqualified for overseas service because of astigmatism, which can be faked by squinting really hard.
Instead he was moved into the treacherous and Navy S.E.A.L.-like “Army Air Force 1st Motion Picture Unit” in Culver City, California.
Political Life
Despite being America’s most famous conservative, Reagan actually began life as a New Deal Democrat. He began to turn away from the Democrats, however, when they aligned themselves with the burgeoning civil rights movement. "I didn't leave the Democratic Party", Reagan later claimed, "The party left me.” (Probably at a Whites Only water fountain.)
Reagan first began his civil service to famous, wealthy people as the president of the Screen Actors Guild in the 40’s and 50’s. Naturally, this made him a prime candidate for governor of California, which he won entirely on an anti-hippie, anti-hobo platform.
After losing Presidential nominations in ’72 and ’76, Reagan finally out-dicked rivals Bob Dole and George H.W. Bush to become his party’s candidate in 1980. He kicked off his campaign by giving a speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi, the place three civil rights workers had been famously murdered in the ’60’s, advocating “states' rights.” Instead of starting a riot, everyone just elected Reagan President. Times had changed.
Reagan’s campaign capitalized on his opponent Jimmy Carter’s perceived weaknesses (recession, unemployment, inflation, soaring gas prices, hostages in Iran, Billy), and he won 91% of the electoral vote. At 69, Reagan became the person with the oldest balls ever elected President.
Presidential Highlights
• Ronald Reagan appointed the Supreme Court’s most famous woman, Sandra Day O’Conner, and its most famous misogynist, Antonin Scalia.
• He survived an assassination attempt in 1981, while Press secretary James Brady, a non-dick, got shot in the head.
• In 1984, Reagan controversially led Operation Urgent Fury where the United States invaded Grenada after he became concerned that the world’s second largest producer of nutmeg would fall into communist hands.
• In the early 80’s, President Reagan illegally sold arms to America’s once and future dick enemy, Iran. Reagan used the profits to fund the Contras, Nicaraguan rebels. They, in turn, used the money to kill more Nicaraguans. Reagan then pretended not to remember what he did. His role in this act inadvertently led to the worst show ever created: Equal Time with Paul Begala and Oliver North.
• He was nicknamed "The Great Communicator" for his uncanny and unique ability to communicate to the average person the need to kick single, black mothers off welfare.
Legacy
His famed supply-side economic policies have been variously referred to as “Reaganomics,” “trickle down economics,” “voodoo economics” and “can you spare some change, sir?”
Reagan is also credited with ending the Cold War by people who don’t understand that he more or less showed up while it was already ending and shouted, “Everybody into the hot tub!”
His inaction during the early stages of the AIDS epidemic also led to the “trickle down” of autoimmune disease, and, eventually, to the movie version of Rent.
Death
Towards the end of his life, Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. While embryonic stem cell research promises to yield a cure for the deadly illness, it was de-funded by Reagan’s conservative heir, George Bush. Ironically, or not ironically, the former President died of Alzheimer’s complications before the Democrats took back Congress and re-funded stem cell research.
Reagan's personal diaries were published in May, 2007. A careful reading of them revealed that Reagan had indeed kept a diary.
