Roger Clemens
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Clemens has won seven Cy Young Awards. He has also won two World Series championships, one for each banned substance he is alleged to have taken during the same two years he “won” the rings.
Clemens throws and bats right-handed. It is unknown whether he banned-substance-abuses left-buttocked or right-buttocked. His nickname is “the Rocket,” though this is not thought to be connected to the fact that his personal strength coach Brian McNamee, as the Mitchell Report put it, “injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks.”
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Early life
There is, as yet, no evidence that Clemens’ conception happened in a laboratory, or was as a result of needles, syringes, chemical supplements and men in white lab coats. Shortly after his, presumed, natural conception, Clemens was born in Dayton, Ohio. Clemens's parents separated when he was a, presumably normal-sized, infant.
Clemens spent his high school years in Texas, home of President of the United States and dick, George W. Bush.
College career
He began his college career in 1981 pitching for San Jacinto College North, and then attended The University of Texas, compiling a 25-7 record. While in college, Clemens majored in business. Though, had he had majored in chemistry, he would have been able to mix his own banned substance cocktails, instead of relying on trainers and fitness coaches.
In 2004, the Rotary Smith Award, given to America's best college baseball player, was changed to the Roger Clemens Award, honoring the best pitcher. It is unknown if the name of the award will change once again. Some suggestions that have been offered include the “’Roider Clemens Award,” the “Roger Clemens’ Engorged Buttocks Award,” and the “Why Are My Testicles Getting Smaller? Award.”
Professional career
Boston Red Sox (1984-96)
Clemens was drafted 19th overall by the Boston Red Sox in 1983 and quickly rose through the minor league system, making his major league debut on May 15, 1984. Perhaps his rise was as a result of performance enhancing drugs, and perhaps it wasn’t. But that is the sort of speculation an athlete encourages about his or her career when, later on in his or her professional life, the athlete allows Brian McNamee to inject him or her approximately four times in the buttocks.
In 1986, Clemens won 24 games, and won the American League Most Valuable Player and the first of his seven Cy Young Awards.
Former player and Hall of Fame member Hank Aaron said that pitchers should not be eligible for the MVP. This comment angered Clemens. Rage is thought by many to be a common side-effect of taking anabolic steroids. "I wish he were still playing," Clemens responded. "I'd probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was." It is unknown how “cracking” Hank Aaron’s head open would convince Aaron that Clemens was valuable, but of the side-effects of the use of illegal substances, enhanced logic and concentration abilities are not thought to be among them.
The Red Sox were on the verge of winning the 1986 World Series, until the bottom of the tenth inning of game 6, when Boston first-baseman Bill Buckner let a ball go through his legs. The New York Mets went on to win the series 4-3. Many Red Sox fans continue to blame Buckner for the loss, but, in light of the Mitchell Report, many observers have raised the question of whether Buckner had, perhaps, witness Clemens receiving an injection into his buttocks and, if so, what effect that sight might have had on Buckner.
On April 29, 1986, Clemens became the first major league pitcher to strike out 20 batters in a nine-inning game. It is unknown whether any of the 20 batters Clemens struck out were facing Clemens with banned substances coursing through their veins.
Toronto Blue Jays (1997-98)
After the 1996 season, Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette said Clemens was in the "twilight of his career" following four consecutive mediocre seasons, during which the pitcher went 40-39. It is now thought that this mediocre performance is an accurate depiction of what Clemens’ talents at the time were as a non-buttock-injected pitcher.
The Red Sox opted not to re-sign him following the 1996 season, and Clemens signed with the Toronto Blue Jays for two seasons. Clemens won the Cy Young Award both of those years. What, many have wondered, could possibly account for such a turn-around? Hint: Toronto’s “strength coach” at the time was a man named Brian McNamee, who, as noted, injected Clemens in the buttocks approximately four times.
New York Yankees (1999-2003)
After Clemens’ two seasons with Toronto, many baseball analysts were puzzled how a dick like Clemens had managed to play for so long and never be signed by George Steinbrenner. In 1999, Clemens was signed by the Yankees. Since his longtime uniform number #21 was in use by teammate Paul O'Neill, Clemens initially wore #12, before switching mid-season to #22. He did not wear #11, which sort of looks like two syringes.
By now, according to the Mitchell Report, Clemens was baring his buttocks for McNamee:
“...from the time that McNamee injected Clemens with Winstrol through the end of the 1998 season, Clemens’s performance showed remarkable improvement. During this period of improved performance, Clemens told McNamee that the steroids ‘had a pretty good effect’ on him.”
Wanting to keep that ‘pretty good effect,’ in 2000 Clemens persuaded Yankees to hire McNamee as the assistant strength and conditioning coach. It is thought that they chose this job title because “injector of banned substances into Roger Clemens’ buttocks” would possibly have caused public relations problems for the ball club.
Clemens also hired McNamee to inject him “train” him during portions of several weeks in the off-season. McNamee also injected him trained Clemens personally for one to two weeks during spring training and a few times during the season.
Clemens’ dickishness was not limited only to his buttocks while playing for New York. His 2000 season was punctuated by a pair of notorious incidents involving New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza. During a July 8, 2000, game with the Mets, Clemens threw a ball high and inside to Piazza that hit him on the head.
Piazza had been a very successful hitter against Clemens, which was widely seen as Clemens's motivation. The incident received intense media coverage. When both the Yankees and the Mets reached that year's World Series, there was great anticipation regarding the two men's first confrontation since the beaning.
Interestingly, in American League ballparks the pitcher does not have to bat. Yankees coach Joe Torre saw to it that, during the series, Clemens did not have to face the Mets on their home field, Shea Stadium, where Clemens would have had to bat. This was widely seen as Clemens’ decision, since, had Clemens demanded to pitch at Shea, Torre likely would have had to allow it. Clemens instead faced Piazza on his own home field, Yankee Stadium.
Another of the side-effects of anabolic steroids is that it they cause the testicles to shrink. Perhaps that is what happened in this case.
In Piazza's first at-bat of Game 2, his bat shattered, and a piece of the bat flew in Clemens' direction. Clemens picked it up and threw the broken bat at toward the first base line, in Piazza’s direction, clearing the benches of both teams. Clemens later claimed that he was "fielding" the broken bat, having mistaken it for the baseball.
This explanation was widely ridiculed at the time, but recent events have made more plausible the explanation that his brain was addled at the time by banned-substances. After all, by that point, he had been mistaking lies for the truth for several years, so perhaps he also mistook a bat for a ball.
Houston Astros (2004-06)
During the off-season, Clemens chose to un-retire, signing a one-year deal with his adopted hometown Houston Astros on January 12, 2004. This put him on the same club as his friend and former Yankees teammate Andy Pettitte, whom the Mitchell Report also named as having taken banned substances. It is assumed that Pettitte’s introduction to the drugs came as a result of Clemens’s tutelage. Pettitte is not known to be a dick, but his inclusion in the Mitchell Report proves, once again, the adage that hanging out with dicks can make one do dick-like things.
On May 9, 2005 Clemens won his 330th game, giving him more career wins than any other right-handed pitcher of the live-ball era. Since many of those came after he was made to feel “pretty good” by Brian McNamee, Clemens is not thought to be the leader of the un-injected-buttock era.
New York Yankees (2007)
After another “retirement,” following what was becoming familiar speculation, Clemens unexpectedly appeared in the owner's box at Yankee Stadium on May 6, 2007, and made a brief statement: "Thank y'all. Well they came and got me out of Texas, and uhh, I can tell you, it's a privilege to be back. I'll be talkin' to y'all soon. In a few minutes, my buddy Brian’s gonna inject my backside with some drugs to help me live up to the b***shit lies I been tellin' y’all about how my trainin' regiment is responsible for me pitchin' so good.”
Actually he never said that last sentence, but, if he had, instead of the designation “lying cheater,” he would only now be thought of as a “cheater.”
Unfortunately for the Yankees, in his second stint with the club, Clemens apparently did more lying than cheating. He finished the season 6-6. This meant that, with Clemens' $28,000,000 salary, the Yankees paid him over $4.5 million per win. In other words, a typical Yankee salary.
His contract with the Yankees also had a "family plan" clause stipulating that he was not required to go on road trips in which he is not scheduled to pitch so he could be with his family, proof that the steroids Clemens took did not, as they sometimes can, decrease his fertility.
Senate testimony
On February 13, 2008, Clemens appeared before a congressional committee to discuss his alleged steroid use. When confronted with claims that pitcher Andy Pettite had knowledge of Clemens using HGH, Clemens replied that Pettite must have "misremembered" these situations. This is similar to the many fans who may have "misremembered" Clemens as not being a dick.
"Alleged" affair with Mindy McCready
In April 2008, it was reported that Clemens had an affair with a country music singer people in New York have never heard of. Interestingly, the affair lasted ten years, meaning it began when the singer was 15.
Clemens' attorney denied the affair and, as is the case with everything he says, this later turned out to be not true. The affair was later confirmed by the girl in question, Mindy McCready, which is notably an appropriate name for both a country singer and a stripper.
Since statutory rape is not yet included among the potential side effects of steroid use, some experts argue that, in addition to an asterisk, the history books should perhaps also include a †, as in:
* Allegedly used steroids
† "Allegedly" had sex with a 15 year old country music singer
