Rod Blagojevich
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Rod Blagojevich was the first Democrat to be elected governor of Illinois in 30 years, a distinction he proceeded to totally crap all over by continually failing to pass legislation and budgets, making many political enemies (even in his own party), committing federal and state crimes, wearing a ridiculous side-part in some seriously bouffant hair, and, in October 2008, earning the title “America’s Least Popular Governor.” All that before he got arrested.
On December 9, 2008, adding dick insult to dick injury, Blagojevich was detained by the FBI and charged with conspiracy to commit fraud as well as solicitation of bribery for allegedly trying to sell president-elect Barack Obama’s vacated seat in the U.S. Senate. This happened the day before Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. One imagines they canceled the stripper.
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Early life and education
Rod Blagojevich began refusing to resign no matter how politically castrated he was at his birth on December 10, 1956, a birthday he shares with the kid from Lassie, the chick from the Partridge Family, Chef Bobby Flay, and Raven from That’s So Raven, who ten years earlier tried to supplant Rudy on the Cosby Show. As if.
Blagojevich was born and raised in Chicago, son of immigrants from Serbia. In fact, his real name is Milorad, which he shortened to the more Main Street-friendly—and, let’s face it, blatantly phallic—“Rod.” For some reason, however, he left his even harder-to-pronounce last name intact when he easily could’ve gone with something like Blago. Rod Blago. That’s a cool name. That’s the kind of name you have when you’re the evil opposing fighter in a Rocky movie.
He attended University of Tampa for two years, but apparently it just wasn’t enough of a party school for him, transferring to Northwestern University, whose dick alumni include Jerry Springer, David Schwimmer, and various cast-members of Mad TV. Of course, no dick is truly complete without a law school degree, and Blagojevich is no exception, receiving his Juris Dicktorate from Pepperdine Law School in 1983.
Political career
Somewhere in there Blagojevich had the good fortune to marry Patricia Mell, daughter of powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell. Almost immediately Blagojevich began exploiting his father-in-law’s political influence, which he used to win a seat first in the Illinois House of Representatives, then in the U.S. House of Representatives. It also didn’t hurt that his opponents had just pled guilty to mail fraud.
In 2002, Blagojevich defeated Republican Illinois Attorney General Jim Ryan for governor, helped, in part, because many people confused Jim Ryan with sitting governor George Ryan (no relation), who was embroiled in several ethics scandals of his own. While Blagojevich didn’t necessarily promote this misinformation, he didn’t dispel it either. Naturally, he ran on an almost entirely anti-corruption platform.
As governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich is primarily known for spending money the state didn’t have, proposing ridiculous building projects, calling 36 special sessions (half the total number of special sessions since 1970), feuding publicly with members of his own cabinet, taking kickbacks, appearing on The Daily Show without realizing it was a comedy show, and cultivating a look that can only be described as “small market TV weatherman.” He also once tried to smuggle 260,000 doses of flu vaccine from overseas past the FDA, and had to be restrained from going full-blown wookie on Democratic State Senator Mike Jacobs for not supporting a health insurance bill.
Despite severely low approval ratings, and several of his associates facing corruption trials, Blagojevich still somehow won re-election in 2006, defeating some noob Republican and a Green Party candidate. This of course begs the question: Where was Oprah Winfrey? She could’ve walked away with the governorship like so many free Pontiac G6s.
Controversies
Although Blagojevich was elected on a promise to end corruption, his gubernatorial administration quickly became ridden with similar controversies. This is known as the “Spitzer Effect.”
In 2005, Blagojevich began publicly feuding with his father-in-law Richard Mell, eventually shutting down a landfill of which Mell was an advisor. As of 2008, a grand jury is still investigating whether or not Blagojevich overstepped his bounds. Oh, well— at least he didn’t try to get his brother-in-law fired from the state troopers for shooting a moose out of season.
Rod Blagojevich has also been the subject of multiple federal investigations involving bribes for positions within the state as well as for government contracts. Lucky for prosecutors, high profile Blagojevich associate Tony Rezko is an even bigger dick, undoubtedly dishing up all the dirt to avoid the decades he himself currently faces in prison. Perhaps the two might wind up as cellmates some day, which would work out pretty well, considering Rezko and Blagojevich are already each other’s bitch.
In perhaps his most cocktacular display of dickitude, Rod Blagojevich was caught on tape blatantly discussing plans to “sell” President-elect Barack Obama’s vacant U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. On the phone. From his campaign office. Knowing full well that he was under FBI surveillance at the time. And then Blagojevich denied it. That takes some serious muda (aka Serbian balls).
The 78-page criminal complaint alleges that Blagojevich called the Senate seat very valuable, and that he would not “give it away for nothing.” By that, he apparently meant he was seeking some piddling post for himself and a $150,000 a year job for his wife. At the very least he could’ve demanded they rename Wrigley Field after him. Blagojevich Field. That practically screams “America’s Pastime.”
When asked about the arrest, Blagojevich actually went on record saying, “the things I’m interested in are always lawful.” Well, what do you expect from a guy who has the testicular fortitude to refer to himself as the first African-American governor of Illinois?
Despite what seemed to be incontrovertible evidence of serious criminal activity, in addition to widespread calls for his immediate resignation by a whole host of high-ranking state and national politicians, all 50 state Senate Democrats, and even Barack Obama himself, Blagojevich refused to cede power.
On January 8, 2009, the Illinois House of Representatives voted to impeach Blagojevich by a 114–1 vote for corruption, the first time such an action has been taken against a governor of Illinois despite all of them having been corrupt.
By the way
Rod Blagojevich is blatantly not African-American. Not even remotely.
