Robert Pattinson
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Often called the “face” of "Twilight," Robert Pattinson portrays a character described by the series creator as “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful.” You try playing that without turning into a total dick.
On top of that, Pattinson’s character is every woman’s fantasy—a dangerous though non-threatening protector with great hair and a bulletproof jawline, who, instead of getting tanked and groping you for five minutes before passing out, cradles you in his sober arms all night long, listening to you talk for hours on end without saying a word and without ever falling asleep.
This fictional chastity is especially ironic, considering that in real life Robert Pattinson is one of the biggest p-hounds to emerge from England since Henry VIII. Although none of RPattz’s conquests have been decapitated, at least not that "OK! Magazine" knows about. Pattinson harbors a penchant for bedding then stringing along various barely legal co-stars. Rumor has it he even got it on with Hermione Granger, a coupling that has something for every pervert on the planet.
You do have to hand it to Robert Pattinson, though, he does have some pretty rockin’ abs. And he’s way better eye candy than the Gosselins.
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Early life
Robert Pattinson began dipping his quill in the company ink from his birth on May 13, 1986, a birthday he shares with fellow vagina-enthusiast and inventor of the Pap smear Georgios Papanikolaou, fellow cult leader and notorious hair-man Jim Jones, fellow heartthrob Harvey Keitel, and the bassist for Maroon 5.
Born, raised, and currently residing in London, Pattinson’s British citizenship enables him to portray a vampire without makeup. Or prosthetic fangs.
Career
After performing in such legitimate amateur theatrical productions as Tess of the D’Urbevilles and Macbeth, Robert Pattinson completely snuffed out all hope of not becoming a dick by entering the world of male modeling. At age 12.
He then appeared in a few of those wacky British made-for-TV sci-fi fantasy films with time-traveling elves and a cameo by some member of Monty Python before getting his big break in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." In this movie, he portrayed Cedric Diggory, the hunkiest guy on campus, which isn’t saying much considering all the trolls, goblins, and ginger kids that seem to attend Hogwarts.
Using this as a dick springboard, or “dickboard,” Pattinson went on to land the part of Edward Cullen in the movie "Twilight," a role he will reprise in "New Moon" and every other sequel until he thinks he’s become too big a star, at which point he will begin making horrendous action-adventure flicks, age out of his demographic, and either go into porn or wash up on the 2013 season of Dancing With the Stars. Or both.
The Twilight series focuses on a teenage girl and a 108-year-old-17-year-old vampire who for some reason can also run really fast, stop cars with one hand, read people’s minds, and, most incredibly, ace 11th grade bio. Nonetheless, the books and film have enjoyed incredible success among females of all ages, thus spawning a nation of “Twihards” and their widowers.
On top of everything else, Robert Pattinson is one of those douches who thinks he’s a musician just because he’s moistened a few panties (e.g. Kevin Bacon, Keanu Reeves, Shaq). Not only does Pattinson claim to play piano and guitar, he successfully Patrick Swayze’d his way into getting not one, but two of his maudlin coffeehouse ballads onto the "Twilight" soundtrack. You can bet there will be a few on "New Moon," and a few more on "Eclipse." Then he’ll release a greatest hits album featuring himself, soaking wet and shirtless, on the cover.
Personal life
Robert Pattinson is romantically linked to a variety of nubile young starlets. Reportedly this includes "Twilight" co-star Kristin Stewart, who plays Bella Swan, his character’s inamorata. This would make sense, considering neither Stewart nor Pattinson are talented enough actors for that kind of on-screen chemistry. Even the biggest "Twilight" haters have to admit it gets pretty damn steamy for PG-13.
Pattinson’s hobbies include pouting, drinking, shagging, and teasing his hair. Also escaping mobs of ovulating tweens and their peri-menopausal mothers.
Reportedly, Pattinson also reads about himself obsessively on the Internet. If that is in fact the case: what up, Rob? No hard feelings, mate.
It’s a very close call
As to which is more annoying: "Twilight" or "High School Musical." They both huff queefs.
It’s only a matter of time
Before Robert Pattinson gets it on with Miley Cyrus. The only unknown in that equation is whether it will happen while Billy Ray can still press charges.
