Robert Mugabe
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Mugabe rose to prominence in the 1960s as a prime force in the Zimbabwe African National Union, or ZANU, which then became the Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front, or ZANU-PF, right after it absorbed the Zimbabwe African People’s Union, or ZAPU, which was itself once known as the Patriotic Front-African People’s Union, or PF-ZAPU. This isn’t nearly as confusing at it sounds, because essentially, they’re all the same thing, kind of like how the WWF became the WWE, except without all the steroids, unitards and “Mean” Gene Okerlund down at ringside.
A leader during the Bush War (1964-1979)—a dispute stemming from the restrictive pubic hair regulations that governed Rhodesian strip clubs at the time—Mugabe was originally hailed as both a hero of Zimbabwean independence and as an educated, enlightened head of state. Then came the egomania, the vote-rigging, the armed intimidation, and, of course, the ethnic cleansing. Why does it always seem to end in ethnic cleansing?
Despite the apparent defeat of Mugabe and his party in both presidential and parliamentary elections in late March 2008, he is refusing to cede power, first withholding the election results, then demanding a recount… of a tally he would not allow to be counted in the first place.
In essence, Mugabe is that guy who shows up at your party and seems really cool at first, but then, somehow, gets way too drunk, stays after everyone leaves, and then hits on your girlfriend by asking her if she wants to shoot a homemade porno.
Interestingly enough, however, in the grand scheme of African dictators, Mugabe is kind of small time. He’s no Idi Amin, for instance; he’s not even a Mobutu Sese Seko. As such, no one will realize how much of a dick Robert Mugabe really is until they make a movie about him, starring Forest Whitaker in a powerfully brilliant, tour de force performance.
Contents |
Early Life and Education
Mugabe began his two-faced ascendancy with his birth in a small village in southern Rhodesia on February 21, 1924, a birthday he shares with Kelsey Grammar and Billy Baldwin.
A bookish mama’s boy, he attended Kutama College, and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Fort Hare in 1951. Mugabe subsequently earned several more degrees through correspondence learning, including degrees in education, science, law, and gun repair. For a brief period he worked as a middle school teacher, thus joining a very long list of horrible tyrants to do so.
Early Political Career
Mugabe first joined the Zimbabwe African National Union in 1963. There he fell under the tutelage of ZANU founder Reverend Ndabanigi Sithole, which is perhaps the most unfortunate last name a person can be stuck with. Sithole took Mugabe under his wing, even nominating him as his Secretary General. Mugabe would ultimately repay this gesture by wresting unilateral party control from Sithole, then torturing his supporters and bombing their offices.
In 1964, Mugabe was arrested by Rhodesian Prime Minister Ian Smith—a white, colonialist dick of the highest order—on charges of “subversive speech.” Interestingly enough, these would be the same the charges on which Mugabe himself would imprison, beat, and murder his own political opponents after unseating Smith some fifteen years later. This is yet another way in which the British left their mark on Sub-Saharan Africa.
Prime Minister and President
After leading guerillas to interfere in several peaceful attempts to transition from Smith’s minority government into one more power-sharing in nature, Mugabe called for a ceasefire long enough for all parties to agree upon national elections. His militia then immediately resumed activity, intimidating Zimbabwe’s populace to elect him the first prime minister of the new government in 1980.
Not happy with the amount of power that came with being prime minister, seven years later Mugabe rewrote the constitution to make himself executive President of Zimbabwe, a title you can bet he’s kicking himself right now he hadn’t added a “for life” to at the end. While he was “re-elected” in 1990, 1996, and 2002, Mugabe’s term “expired” at the end of March 2008.
Mugabe’s 28 years of “presidency” were a whirlwind of state-sponsored terrorism, anti-homosexual legislature, internal displacement of Zimbabwean refugees, and involvement in outside conflicts at the expense of his own starving people. Highlights of dickishness include:
From 1983-1984, Mugabe sent the 5th Brigade for super dick training in North Korea, then deployed them, under the command of his cousin, to kill 20,000 civilian Zimbabweans of Ndebele ethnicity. This cousin now heads Zimbabwe’s Air Force, and, like Mugabe himself, is banned from entering both Europe and the U.S.
In 2000, after somehow losing a national vote that would have given him more power, Mugabe began a mass expropriation of white-owned farmland by means of force. This effectively destroyed the country’s agricultural production, and crippled its economy. However, it did enable Mugabe to forcibly seize the three farms he currently owns, so, you know, it wasn’t all bad for everyone.
Since 1990, the year in which Mugabe really started to go nutters, the Zimbabwean dollar has suffered from the highest inflation on earth, and average life expectancy, after increasing from 56 to 64, has plummeted all the way to 37. Not even Casey Kasem could sugarcoat a drop like that.
Many critics accuse him of conducting a “reign of terror,” and being an “extremely poor role model” for African leaders… unless, of course, those leaders are interested in conducting a reign of terror, in which case Mugabe is actually a pretty good role model.
March 2008 Elections
In 2008, finally, public support did not seem guaranteed for Mugabe, as he faced off against two popular opponents. One opposition leader was Morgan Tsvangirai, who ran against Mugabe in the past, and who, for the last 25 years, Mugage has made a regular habit of having arrested and beaten, most notably in 2007 whilst Tsavangirai was on his way home from a prayer meeting. Of this, Mugabe went on record saying “He deserved it.”
There have been many accusations of vote buying during the campaign. Reports indicate Mugabe distributed tractors, computers, buses, and ox-drawn ploughs, and gifted a drum of diesel fuel to each traditional chief days before the election. This is a campaign strategy borrowed from the Hillary Clinton camp in advance of Super Tuesday.
Despite Mugabe’s dick shenanigans—or, dicknanigans—it seems Tsvangirai beat him by as much as 8% of the vote. Of course, it is impossible to tell, as Mugabe has not only been suppressing election results, but also arresting election officials. He has also arrested Tsvangirai’s lawyer, Innocent Chagonda, perhaps the most fitting professional name to be seen in the media since Yahoo Serious took America by storm in 1988.
Knighthood
Despite being disallowed from entering the country, Robert Mugabe was a knight of the British crown (British Dickipedia). He holds the title KCB, Knight Commander of the Bath, one of only a handful of foreigners to do so. Being knighted isn't nearly as impressive as it sounds considering that list also includes Ronald Reagan, Bill Gates, and Rudy Giuliani.
In June 2008, the crown revoked Mugabe's crown placing him in a particularly elite group, which includes Mussolini, of dicks that are too much of a dick to be amongst such a list of dicks.
