Rick Perry
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Rick Perry is the longest-serving governor in Texas history, making him one of the most influential people in a state primarily known for its barbecue, belt buckles, longhorn hood ornaments, and lethal injections of the mentally handicapped. As such, Perry has appointed nearly every state officer, board, or commission member a governor can appoint someone to, including five of the nine state supreme court justices. He also does most of the choreography for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
Leathery and blow-dried, Perry easily lays claim to the title of “Most Bouffant U.S. Governor,” especially now that Rod Blagojevich has officially been barred from holding the office ever again.
Recently, Perry has drawn attention for his criticism of the Obama administration’s handling of the recession, and for turning down approximately $555 million in federal stimulus money. Though he has officially “said thanks, but no thanks” on that bridge-loan to nowhere, you can be sure that federal money will quietly find its way into state coffers anyway. Also, Texas isn’t going secede any sooner than Jim Carey is going to win an Oscar.
In this, Rick Perry epitomizes all the Republicans who “vowed” to move to Canada if Barack Obama won the election, and before them, all the Democrats who said the same of a George W. Bush victory in 2004. As if Canada would even take them.
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Early life
Rick Perry began looking gift horses in the mouth from his birth on March 4, 1950, a birthday he shares with Prince Henry the Navigator of medieval Portugal, William Shatner’s brash, sometimes hot-headed partner on TJ Hooker, Metallica’s bass player back before they totally pussed out, and the guy who wrote those insufferable Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns novels. Oh, and also fetishist porn actress Summer Cummings (good name).
Born James Rick, Perry is the exact inverse of Rick James: square, white, and decidedly un-superfreaky, with nary a pair of leather pants in sight. That’s probably a good thing. Perry is a fifth-generation Texan, raised in the small town of Paint Creek and educated at Texas A & M University, alma mater of similarly coiffed Lone Star Stater Lyle Lovett, as well as a variety of American Idol and Miss USA pageant runners-up. As seemingly incongruous as it sounds, Perry was a member of both the male cheerleading squad and the student military corps, though you’d have to imagine he tried to keep the one a secret from the other.
Thoroughly prepared for his eventual career in government with a degree in animal science, Perry continued to bolster his political credentials by going into his father’s cotton farming business.
In 1982, Rick Perry married Anita Thigpen. The couple has two children, son Griffin and daughter Sydney. Want to know what kind of dick Rick Perry is? The kind who names his kids Griffin and Sydney, with a y.
Political career
Though fooling around with dickery throughout his youth and early adulthood, Rick Perry officially went all the way in 1984, finally losing his dick cherry by getting elected to the Texas House of Representatives as a Democrat. Not long after, he would pull what is known in political parlance as a “Reverse Specter,” switching over to the Republican Party. Thus Rick Perry sealed his fate as a complete and total dicksnack, or, as it is sometimes referred to, a “dick-on-a-stick.”
In 1990, Rick Perry decided to run for the glamorous position of state Agriculture Commissioner, defeating populist incumbent Jim Hightower, not to be confused with Moses Hightower, Bubba Smith’s character in the Police Academy movies (except for Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow, in which, of all the original “recruits,” only Michael Winslow was unfortunate enough to star).
After two terms as Texas Ag Czar—the responsibilities of which consisted entirely of a) hawking Texas produce; b) overseeing the calibration of supermarket scales and gas pumps—Perry was ready for the big-time, sneaking his way into the Lieutenant Governor’s office in 1998 with a .04 percent majority of the vote. That’s four-hundredths of a percent. Al Gore lost Florida by more than that, paving the way, two years later, for Rick Perry to backdoor-man his way into the big chair after George W. Bush resigned to clear brush on his ranch.
Of course, in Texas it’s easier to find a vegetarian at a rodeo than it is to unseat an incumbent, and as a result, voters elected Perry in 2002, then re-elected him in 2006. In each of these campaigns, Perry adopted a tough stance on crime, even going so far as to veto a ban on the execution of the mentally retarded. This did not, however, prevent the mentally retarded from continuing to vote for him time and again.
Highlights of Rick Perry’s gubernatorial tenure include: a near-record use of vetoes; a grant of $20 million dollars to Countrywide Financial right before it collapsed; staunch support of Texas’ anti-sodomy laws even though the U.S. Supreme Court overwhelmingly struck them down; vocal belief in the absolute inerrancy of the Bible, even the parts with the talking snake, the rib that grows into a woman, and the dude who gets eaten by a whale, which then, after housing him quite comfortably for three days inside its digestive tract, disgorges him completely unscathed. In February 2007, Perry issued an executive order mandating that all Texas girls be vaccinated against HPV, which causes cervical cancer, blatantly ignoring the long-established fact that any time a public figure, no matter how well intentioned, goes messing with a teenager’s reproductive system, it’s going to make for real bad headlines.
In April 2009, Rick Perry endorsed a resolution supporting Texas’ secession from the United States. This move has officially branded him a total crackpot; even the people at Fox News think so.
Only two things come from Texas
Steers and queers. Which one is Rick Perry? (Hint: he does not chew cud.)
Also
Rick Perry endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President. Only a true dick could think it was a good idea to have a jerk-off like that running the country.
