Ralph Nader
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He is also known for seriously cock-blocking Al Gore in 2000. Nader hoped to repeat this feat once again in the 2008 election cycle, no matter who won the Democratic nomination. Which could have been Hillary Clinton, who, even though she's a woman, could totally still have gotten cock-blocked.
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Early Life
Ralph Nader began his vigorous opposition to everything on February 27, 1934, a birthday he shares with former Israeli Prime Dick Ariel Sharon and Adrian Smith, lead guitarist of Iron Maiden.
Born to Nathra and Rose Nader, both Lebanese immigrants, Nader claims the distinction of first Arab-American presidential candidate. Admit it, you thought he was Jewish, didn’t you?
Nader left the mean streets of Winstead, Connecticut to attend esteemed dick training grounds Princeton University and Harvard Law School. Thus Nader pulls double dick duty as both an attorney and self-satisfied political activist.
Career
Though you wouldn’t think it watching any given analyst on any given 24-hour news network, Ralph Nader’s career encompasses more than just siphoning votes in Florida and enabling what many consider to be the worst presidency in U.S. history.
As an Activist
Before he became a self-satisfied self-aggrandizer, Ralph Nader spent quite a bit of time working on the side of good. In 1965, he wrote the seminal consumer safety treatise Unsafe at Any Speed, which purported that many American automobiles were unsafe. At any speed. In the book, Nader took specific aim at the Chevrolet Corvair—not to be confused with the Chevrolet Corvette, which to this day remains one of the safest cars on the road. By extension, Nader placed the blame squarely on General Motors, which responded by harassing him, tapping his phone, and hiring prostitutes to trap him in lurid situations. Little did they know, Nader possesses little to no sex drive. Successfully suing GM, Nader’s book and the publicity surrounding it led to the establishment of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, as well as legislation that mandated a series of safety features, including stronger windshields, seat belts, and “oh shit” handles.
Over the last three decades, Nader has carried the dick gauntlet in the name of worker safety, renewable energy, healthcare, and pretty much any other issue that can be worked into a snappy book title. In this way, Nader has inspired generations of young activists, thus deluging Washington, DC with Ivy League trust-funders who have nothing better to do with their summer vacations than walk around with “Free Mumia” placards.
TIME magazine has also recognized Nader’s efforts, naming him among its 100 most influential Americans. That particular list has also included Bart Simpson and Tyra Banks. Twice.
Thanks to Ralph Nader, every single one of this country’s problems has been effectively solved.
As a Third Party Candidate
Including his current vanity campaign for the 2008 presidential election, Ralph Nader has run for President five times. Perhaps if Saturday Night Live had him host several more times, the American electorate could have avoided him entirely, but they just had to keep asking Alec Baldwin.
Nonetheless, for the last 16 years, Nader has made a quadrennial habit of thrusting his wrinkled self into an election for a position he is clearly not qualified to hold, and clearly has no chances of winning, just to screw with people and be on TV.
In 2000, Nader ran on the Green Party ticket and gained a decent amount of support for his message: that there was actually little difference between Democrat Al Gore and Republican George W. Bush (aside from experience, IQ, and receptiveness to advice from Karl Rove). As such, Nader came to be viewed as the “anti-” candidate, especially popular with those who normally didn’t vote, particularly college students, who are also known for their love of a capella and snorting Ritalin, so, you do the math.
Summarily trounced in the 2000 national election—receiving just 2.74 percent of the popular vote—Nader received close to 100,000 votes in Florida, many of which were ballots cast by confused old people, who thought they were really voting for Andy Griffith, TV’s Matlock. Al Gore lost the state by a mere 537 votes. If only he’d had Pearl Jam play at his rallies.
Though Nader also failed to secure the 5 percent of the vote necessary to grant the Green Party federal election funding, he still viewed the experience as a victory. In his conciliation speech, he said to all Washington politicians: “I’m watching you.” Then he pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, collecting book royalties, half-assing a 2004 campaign, and now quarter-assing a 2008 campaign, which he announced on February 24, 2008.
On Febrary 28, 2008, Nader announced that he had found a vice-dick, in the unlikely event that Nader would become president and then die in office, selecting San Fransciso lawyer and Green candidate for San Francisco mayor in 2003, Matt Gonzalez.
More likely, however, is that Nader will die while running for office, if not this cycle, then the next, or the next. In any case, he will have lived longer than the young men and women who died in a war that Nader is partly responsible for.
In a sentence
Ralph Nader made cars safer, and Al Gore gain 50 pounds.
Oh, and by the way
According to mandatory disclosure forms filed by every presidential candidate, Ralph Nader holds personal stock in both Wal-Mart and Halliburton.
