Rahm Emanuel
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Emanuel’s dickishness in Washington has been widely reported not only by those who dislike him, but also by those who actually consider themselves to be his friends and allies. This is likely because dicks are entertaining and helpful people to be around so long as they are being dicks to somebody who isn’t you. This is best summarized by he phrase, “He might be a dick, but he’s OUR dick.”
The most common phrases used by fellow Democrats to describe Emanuel are “combative style,” “take-no-prisoners attitude,” and “attack dog.” All of these, of course, are euphemisms for “dick.”
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Growing up Rahm
Rahm Emanuel (AKA "רם עמנואל") was born in Chicago, Illinois. His first name means "high" or "lofty" in Hebrew, which made it almost impossible for him not to grow up to be an egotistical dick.
Emanuel’s mother was a civil rights activist and his father was a Jerusalem-born member of a militant Zionist group that operated during the British Mandate of Palestine. You can see how young Rahm might’ve grown up to be a tad aggressive. Also fueling the fire was an incident in which Emanuel severely sliced his right middle finger while working at an Arby's, resulting in the digit’s partial amputation. The most painful part of that experience, which still haunts him to this day, was working at Arby’s.
Rahm's brother Ari Emanuel is a big shot Los Angeles talent agent who inspired the dickish Ari Gold character on HBO’s Entourage, giving Jeremy Piven enough fame to pick-up 20 year-old models despite his obvious hair plugs. Not to be outdone by his little bro, Rahm himself was the inspiration for the dickish Josh Lyman character on The West Wing, played by Bradley Whitford. With the amazing ability of the Emanuel family to inspire cultural dick icons, it would not be surprising to learn that Rahm's older brother, Ezekiel, inspired the Bill O'Reilly character on The O’Reilly Factor. Unfortunately, Zeke’s just a totally lame oncologist and bioethicist.
Rahm: The college years
Seemingly defying all dick conventions, Emanuel studied ballet in high school and was even offered a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet. Then again, if you think about it, ballet dancers are actually kind of dickish in their own way. After pirouetting away from a career in the world of classical dance, Emanuel found a second position at Sarah Lawrence College, where he détournéd himself a bachelor's degree in 1981. He then pliéd his way to a master's degree in Speech and Communication from Northwestern in 1985.
One of Emanuel’s first jobs in politics was campaigning for Chicago Mayor Richard Daley's reelection, where he raised a record number of donations. His strategy reportedly included calling campaign contributors to say he found their offers so low it was embarrassing, then hanging up on them, shaming them into calling back and contributing more. People started noticing that Emanuel was not just dickish, he was dickish like a fox.
Rahm goes to Washington
Emanuel’s first job in national politics was working for Bill Clinton’s 1992 campaign, where he helped the little-known saxophone-playing non-inhaler raise a then-staggering amount of $72 million. After financing Clinton’s ride into the White House, Emanuel became his senior advisor where his aforementioned "take-no-prisoners attitude,” and “combative style” earned him the nickname "Rahm-bo,” a reference to the famous Sylvester Stallone film character, Judge Dredd.
The nominees for Best Rahm-bo Moment from Emmanuel’s stint in the Clinton administration are:
• The time Rahm-bo mailed a rotten fish to a former coworker who made him angry.
• The time Rahm-bo told then-British prime minister Tony Blair, "This is important. Don't fuck it up,” before Blair made an appearance with Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
• The time Rahm-bo stood up at a campaign ’96 victory dinner and began screaming out a list of Clinton betrayers, stabbing a steak knife into his table and shouting, “Dead! ... Dead! ... Dead!” after each name.
Rahm's millions
As all dicks know, there’s no money in government jobs, but there’s a whole dickload of money in the private sector after you’ve served in a government job. That’s why Rahm-bo left the White House in 1998 to become an investment banker, promptly making $16.2 million in just two years.
After lining his dick coffers with cash, in 2000 Emanuel was named to the Board of Directors of government-run mortgage lender "Freddie Mac" by his old friend Bill Clinton. Rahm-bo’s short time on the board resulted in several campaign contribution scandals, and the Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight accused him and the board of having "failed in its duty to follow up on matters brought to its attention." In 2001, after resigning from Freddie Mac in shame, Rahm-bo sought out the only type of employment suitable for a millionaire dick of questionable integrity: He ran for congress.
Rahm-Bo II: Return to Washington
In 2002, Rahm-bo won a U.S. House seat in the 5th District of Illinois and immediately started being a dick by supporting the joint Congressional resolution authorizing the Iraq War. In case there was any question of his dickishness, Emanuel further explained that he supported President Bush on Iraq, but thought the president needed to better articulate his positions; namely, his position of launching a pre-emptive war based on false accusations of WMDs and a non-existent connection to the 9/11 attacks.
Emanuel put another feather in his dick cap when he was named Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee chairman and lead the party to gain 30 House seats in the 2006 elections, capturing the majority for the first time in years. This victory was not without any dick drama, however. Emanuel frequently disagreed with DNC Chairman and fellow dick Howard Dean about Dean’s "50 state” strategy versus Emanuel’s strategy of focusing attention on key districts. Tales of the epic clash between these two Dick Titans will no doubt be passed down for generations to come.
Still close to the Clintons, Emanuel declared in April 2006 that he would support Hillary Clinton should she pursue the presidency in 2008. However, when he realized Barack Obamahad a much better chance of winning, Rahm-bo dropped the Clintons like they were ballet and joined Team Obama instead. If Hillary was at all surprised by this, she knows even less about dicks than Bill says she does.
Emanuel’s strategic betrayal worked out perfectly, and on November 6, 2008, he accepted the position of President-elect Obama’s White House Chief of Staff. Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner criticized the choice, saying, "This is an ironic choice for a president-elect who has promised to change Washington, make politics more civil and govern from the center." What he actually meant by that was, “Really, you’re gonna make me deal with that dick for the next four years?”
Rahm-Bo fun facts
• In his free time, Rahm-bo competes in triathlons, a common endeavor for over-achieving dicks who still feel the need to prove themselves despite their long list of accomplishments.
• Because dicks stick together, Rahm-bo was the top House recipient in the 2008 election cycle of contributions from hedge funds and private equity firms.
• When Dick Cheney claimed his own office did not fall within the bounds of the executive branch, Rahm-bo suggested cutting off the $4.8 million the executive branch provides for the Vice President's office. As a fellow dick, Cheney must’ve have admired that move on some level.
• Rahm-bo was so intent on passing Congress's $700 billion bailout bill that he got a special waiver from his rabbi to work through Rosh Hashanah. It is not known if he has a special rabbinical waiver to be such a huge dick all the time, like Joe Lieberman.
