R Kelly
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
There exists a real possibility that R. Kelly cannot achieve an erection without first relieving himself on a junior high-schooler, and cannot seem to sustain said chubby without recording the event on digital video.
On June 6, 2002, Kelly was indicted on 21 counts of having sex with a minor. These were eventually reduced to soliciting a minor for child pornography, a charge that looks much better on your criminal record. After a six-year-delay—more than long enough for Kelly to be arrested again for child pornography, and also release a few hit singles—the trial officially moved forward with jury selection on May 9, 2008, before it promptly recessed for the weekend.
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Biography
R. Kelly has been keepin’ it on the down low ever since his birth on January 5, 1967, a birthday he shares with fellow sexed-up lotharios Walter Mondale and Charlie Rose. Though his given name is Robert Sylvester, Kelly joins a long list of distinguished dicks who go by first initial only (P. Diddy; L. Ron Hubbard). Kelly grew up in Chicago’s Southside projects, an environment whose harsh grittiness found its way into much of Kelly’s music, especially on tracks like “Feelin’ On Yo Booty,” “Sex Me (Part I)” and, to a lesser extent, “Sex Me (Part II).”
Career
Early years
Adorned with one of those geometric haircuts stolen from Kid of Kid n’ Play—or was it Play? Who can remember?—R. Kelly bust all over the scene in 1992 with the group Public Announcement. Kelly dicked over the group less than a year later, leaving to embark on a solo career. Public Announcement continued recording even after his departure; sixteen years later, they’re still reportedly looking for their “post-R. Kelly” sound.
Solo Career
In 1993, Kelly released his debut solo album, 12 Play, slight variations upon which have been the title of every other album he’s released since then. The album featured his first number-one hit, “Bump N’ Grind,” a slang term for sexual intercourse. Shortly after the album’s release, Kelly began “producing” young female singers such as Aaliyah, whom he “married” when she was only fifteen. The marriage was reportedly “annulled.” He also took as his “protégé” a middling female vocalist named Sparkle, mostly just so he could “freak” her 14-year-old “niece.”
Defying most people’s expectations that R. Kelly would be little more than a staple of $1.98 bargain bins, he released several albums over the next few years, including TP-2.com, which, oddly enough, he didn’t even bother to register as a domain name, and Chocolate Factory, which becomes an interesting title to think about given Kelly’s proclivity for excretory kink.
Somewhere in there he also recorded what many consider his biggest hit, the single “I Believe I Can Fly” for the ridiculous Michael Jordan/Looney Tunes vehicle Space Jam. Like Sting’s “Fields of Gold,” Queen’s “We Are the Champions,” and “We Will Rock You,” also by Queen, you will never hear this song played anywhere other than at a high school sports awards banquet, during the slideshow.
R. Kelly also collaborated several different times with Jay-Z, until one of Z’s crew assaulted him with pepper spray backstage at a concert. It remains the nicest thing anyone has ever done for R. Kelly. Well, anyone old enough to drive.
According to the RIAA, R. Kelly manages to hold the title of 49th best-selling recording artist in history. This is a lot less impressive than it sounds, considering the Top 50 also includes John Denver, Foreigner, and Bob Seeger and the Silver Bullet Band, all of whom are in the top 48.
Trapped in the Closet
In June 2005, Kelly released his next album, TP-3: Citizens on Patrol, which included a five-part mini-opera “Trapped in the Closet,” a song that does not rhyme, has no chorus, and barely contains anything that can be considered music. Naturally, it was a runaway hit. Kelly wrote and produced 17 more “chapters,” and claims to have written as many as another twenty that have yet to be released. He has officially announced his desire to keep adding installments ad infinitum, claiming that the series will end “when the aliens say it’s over.” Not since the 1982 theatrical re-release of E.T. has the world wished so intently for a full-scale invasion by extra-terrestrials.
Personal Life
Once you’ve heard he got maced by Jay-Z, and was arrested for golden showering a fourteen-year-old then distributing the homemade video via file sharing network, there’s not really a whole lot left of interest, is there?
Osama bin Laden
R. Kelly also once suggested in an interview that “the only one” who knew exactly what he was “going through” was Osama bin Laden. This comparison is not entirely off-base, considering that bin Laden is another inflammatory amateur filmmaker currently facing multiple criminal charges, who also has a fondness for virgins.
