Plaxico Burress
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He is one of a countless number of dicks who think that gun ownership makes them tough guys. If that’s the case, then how do you explain Canadian Mounties? Or meter maids? Or Jeff Foxworthy? Burress also suffers under the delusion that strutting around in a baggy hooded sweatshirt makes him a gangster. Select social critics have suggested that he is better described as a wangsta. The fact is, Plaxico Burress will always be a pussy ass bitch, no matter how many cornrows he gets. Not even the bullet hole in his leg gives him any cred.
Plaxico Burress plays for the New York Giants, who, interestingly enough, are actually from New Jersey. The part of New Jersey that smells. He plays wide receiver, arguably the wussiest position on the field. Well, maybe aside from place kicker, but then a lot of those guys escaped various dictators, wars, and genocides in Eastern Europe to get to the NFL, so there’s that.
On November 28, 2008, with the Giants emerging as the odds-on favorite to win a second consecutive Super Bowl, Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg outside the VIP room at some lame nightclub in the east 40s—Derek Jeter wouldn’t be caught dead there.
Surrendering to police the following day and charged with criminal possession of a gun, Plaxico Burress is currently free on $100,000 bail. He makes this amount roughly every five minutes he’s on the field. The Giants subsequently suspended him without pay for the remainder of the season, including the playoffs. Of course, he’d already earned $2 million, and that’s not counting royalties from Giant: The Making of a Champion, the “book” he “wrote” with “co”-author Jason Cole.
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Early life
Plaxico Burress began confusing the terms “bad-ass” and “dumb-ass” from his birth on August 12, 1977, a birthday he shares with Sir Mix-a-Lot, Casey Affleck, the keyboardist from Culture Club, and a Belgian mathematician by the name of Jacques Tits. Seriously, that’s the guy’s given name, Tits. And that’s not all: Jacques Tits’ mathematical theorems have attracted a whole group of followers. They call themselves the Tits Group. No joke. Tits Group.
Plaxico Burress hails from Virginia Beach, hometown of such other notables as Juice Newton, Pat Robertson, and several losers from So You Think You Can Dance. Like most of the gangster thugs upon whom he ill-advisedly models his life, Burress attended a prestigious suburban high school, before spending a post-graduate year at Fork Union Military Prep, a private college prep school with an NFL-caliber football program.
From Fork Union, Burress went to Michigan State, alma mater of such esteemed dicks as Spencer Abraham, that dude from Dateline NBC who’s made his entire living off that online predator trap house, and, via honorary degree, Zimbabwean dick Robert Mugabe.
Among his collegiate highlights, Plaxico Burress set conference and/or Michigan State records for single-season receptions, single-game receptions, and touchdown receptions, en route to a second-team All-American selection and first team All-Big Ten Conference selection in 1999. All this would be terribly impressive if college football bore any impact on real life aside from giving people something to do on New Year’s Day aside from vomit.
Pro career
Pretty much assuring an eventual downfall at some point or another, Plaxico Burress left college after only two years to enter the 2000 NFL Draft. He was chosen eighth overall by the Pittsburgh Steelers. In uncharacteristically non-dick fashion, Burress stayed in Pittsburgh—arguably the least sexy NFL city, and that includes Buffalo, New York—for five full seasons.
Then, like so many other superstar athletes right on the cusp of self-imploding in spectacular fashion, Burress signed a very long, very expensive deal with a professional New York City sports franchise. He joined the New York Giants in 2005, on a six-year, $25 million contract, through which, at the time of his self-inflicted gunshot wound, he hadn’t even made it halfway. And he spent one of those seasons nursing a groin pull. That’s “gangsta.”
They say every dick has his day, and Plaxico Burress is no exception. Capping a season in which he was the team’s top receiver, Burress caught the game-winning pass in the waning seconds of Super Bowl XLII to defeat the heavily favored New England Patriots. This single catch blue-balled every fleece vest-wearing, Dave Matthews-listening, “wicked”-as-an-adjective-using dick in the greater Boston area. At least Plaxico Burress has that in his favor.
As a player, Plaxico Burress is known for his height (6’5”), wingspan (6’11”), and outstanding leaping ability. As a player-hater, Plaxico Burress is known for showing up armed to all social engagements, with the safety off.
Since 2005, Burress has perennially cracked the Top 20 in both receiving yards and touchdowns. This would be really impressive if professional football bore any impact on real life aside from the slight uptick it causes both in public urination and sales of microwavable cheese-food products every October through January.
Prior to his season-ending arrest, 2008 appeared to be a breakout dick season for Plaxico Burress, who will still mostly likely set several career highs in both fines and suspension days.
Personal life
Burress was named after his uncle. Apparently, Plaxico’s uncle owned a Plexi-Glass Company. He is married to Tiffany Glenn, who, like all wives of disgraced public figures, looks seriously not psyched as her husband apologizes in front of a bouquet of microphones. The two live in a McMansion somewhere in the butt crack of New Jersey, with their son, who will probably grow up hating American football.
2008 Shooting
On Friday, November 28, 2008, Plaxico Burress found out that as a result of a pulled hamstring, he would not play in that Sunday’s game. Apparently, he decided to celebrate by taking his favorite Glock semi-automatic to his favorite New York City nightclub. There, Burress suffered an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right thigh when the gun, tucked into the waistband of his sweatpants, began sliding down his leg. This of course begs several questions. Why was Burress armed? Why was the safety off? And, perhaps most importantly, what was he doing wearing sweatpants to the club? What bouncer let him in dressed like that?
The injury was not life-threatening and Burress was released the next day. The following Monday, he turned himself in to police to face criminal charges and was released on bail, scheduled to enter a plea on March 31, 2009. According to lawyer Benjamin Brafman, who seems to be building up a tidy little cottage industry defending celebrity handgun cases, Plaxico Burress will plead not guilty. Of course he will.
In an interesting twist on the case, Burress may have also been involved in a conspiracy with New York-Presbyterian Hospital to cover up the incident by not reporting it to police. You think? New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has since urged that Burress be prosecuted to the fullest extent, pressing for a minimum sentence of three-and-a-half years. If convicted, perhaps Burress can share a cell with Pacman Jones. Otherwise he’s sure to wind up as somebody’s bitch. With a body like that, he’d probably fetch three cartons of cigarettes, easy.
Things that make you go “Hmmmm”
If Plaxico Burress absolutely needed to have some kind of super macho hobby to compensate for a small penis, why not raise and fight pit bulls, instead?
Even though all he did was go on record saying he was good looking—well, that, and drop his wife to start dating Madonna—A-Rod is still hated by New Yorkers more than Plaxico Burress and probably always will be.
