Perez Hilton
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His celebrity gossip site, Perezhilton.com, is little more than a collection of illegally re-posted tabloid photos with penises and coke residue scrawled all over them. Oh, and sometimes he posts links to homemade sex tapes featuring famous people, many of whom are famous primarily for their appearance in said homemade sex tapes. The self-proclaimed “Queen of the Media,” Perez Hilton has also made a name for himself “outing” closeted gay celebrities, who honestly weren’t really hiding anything to begin with (e.g. Lance Bass, Neil Patrick Harris).
Still, the site enjoys incredible popularity, ranking as the 491st most-trafficked website on the Internet (143rd within the U.S.). Of course, he’s still getting his ass handed to him by LOLcats, that porno YouTube site, and MILFhunter.com.
It is hard to imagine someone who has done less than Perez Hilton to gain a similar level of notoriety; even Jared Fogle lost several hundred pounds. Maybe the “Can You Hear Me Now?” guy… or Bristol Palin. But that’d be about it.
Also, Perez Hilton nurtures a taste for dying his hair outlandish colors that would only be considered cool by gay men and fourteen-year-old girls, two groups whose tastes, oddly enough, mimic each other’s quite closely.
Think of Perez Hilton as a younger, thinner Bruce Villanch, only without any writing talent.
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Early life
Perez Hilton began becoming a celebrity himself simply by providing links to photographs of more noteworthy celebrities from his birth on March 23, 1978, a birthday he shares with Chaka Khan, that dude from the Cars, and Misty Hyman, who, despite her name, has nothing at all to do with the adult film industry (she’s an Olympic gold-medalist swimmer; go look it up).
Hilton was born and raised in Miami, Florida, home of such esteemed cheddar dicks as A-rod, the grooming expert from "Queer Eye," and Swedish-born heavy metal guitar shredder Ynwie J. Malmsteen. From there he moved to New York City, earning a Bachelor of Dick Arts in drama—what else?—from NYU. Hilton now resides in Los Angeles, whose dick roster boasts far too many to enumerate here. What can be gathered about Perez Hilton based on his choices of residency? He must really enjoy the company of dicks (note: this is not a comment about Perez Hilton’s sexual preference; the fact that he happens to be gay is merely coincidental).
"Career"
Before beginning what some might have a difficult time calling a career in blogging, Perez Hilton “worked” as a failed actor. Were he living in LA at the time, Perez Hilton might very well have gone into gay porn. But in 2004, and still in New York, he launched a website instead. Showcasing his trademark “devilish” attitude toward celebrity gossip, Hilton’s oh, so cleverly named PageSixSixSix.com so irritated the in-crowd that within its first six months of existence, "The Insider" named it “Hollywood’s Most-Hated Website.”
It was just this infamy that Perez Hilton employed to weasel his way into awards shows, clubs, and private events, where he subsequently “befriended” the same people he spread rumors about. Among his closest friends, he counts Paris Hilton, who is not only the frequent subject of his posts, but also the source of his pen name. Want to know just what kind of dick Perez Hilton is? The kind who nicknames himself after Paris Hilton.
One of critics’ chief complaints about Perez Hilton stems from his fraternization with the celebrities about whom he writes. For instance, it has been noted that he rarely reports negatively about celebrities he appears in photographs with, for instance… or nicknames himself after. What critics don’t understand, however, is that Perez Hilton is “friends” with celebrities the same way their coke dealer is.
Perez Hilton has also been known to open up his giant, gaping blog hole about what he perceives as discriminatory behavior by various public figures. Among the highlights, in 2007, Hilton got ABC to fire actor Isaiah Washington from "Grey’s Anatomy" for comments made during an on-set altercation with Patrick Dempsey. While Washington’s remarks may have been anti-homosexual in nature, if Perez Hilton really wanted to do some good for humanity, he would have had ABC go ahead and cancel the whole show. That program is like crystal meth for yuppies.
On August 17, 2007, Perez Hilton drew intense fire for announcing that Castro was dead, boasting that he was the first media outlet to break the news, when, in fact, Fidel Castro was still very much alive. Of course, it’s entirely possible that Hilton hadn’t been referring to the Cuban dictator; he very well might have just been blogging about gay nightlife in San Francisco, and that if you’re looking for real action, you’ll find it in the Tenderloin.
Of course, it would be nearly impossible for a dingleberry like Perez Hilton to avoid getting sued. Among those who have served him: Colin Firth, Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend, and Jennifer Aniston, after Hilton posted a full-frontal photo of Aniston bearing her “Friends.”
Additionally, many other bloggers, journalists, news agencies, and photographers have charged Perez Hilton with stealing copyrighted content from their sites. Hilton currently faces suit on 25 alleged incidences of copyright infringement, for damages totaling $7.5 million. Of those 25, 24 are Britney Spears crotch shots. That last one is a similarly panty-less Keira Knightley.
Miss USA 2009 Controversy
On April 19, 2009, Perez Hilton served as a judge for the Miss USA 2009 pageant in Las Vegas. Most likely upset because he, himself, was out of the running, Hilton stirred up a little more attention for himself by asking the Miss California representative, Carrie Prejean, a loaded question about gay marriage. He then proceeded to lambaste Ms. Prejean on his blog; then on YouTube; then on MSNBC; then on Larry King. See how that snowballs?
The incident caused a dust-up in several ways. For one, conservative commentators took issue with what they perceived as Hilton’s intolerance; apparently their own intolerance is fine. Some critics pointed out that Miss California’s answer was little different from Barack Obama’s stance (thankfully he was only running for President, not Miss USA, where it wouldn’t count against him). Still others questioned the appropriateness of having a gay man judging a women’s beauty contest in the first place. Why not? After all, nobody aside from gay men actually gives two Hershey squirts who wins Miss USA.
Television
As if blogging wasn’t a dubious enough claim to fame, Perez Hilton began solidifying his reputation as having no marketable ability by appearing in a cavalcade of reality shows, one about losing weight, one about becoming a rap superstar, and, perhaps the absolute nadir of the genre, "Tori & Dean."
In 2007 and 2008, Perez Hilton even hosted his own show, "What Perez Sez" on VH1, in which he Hilton offered up late-breaking gossip and snarky comments, all while living in a house with Flava Flav.
