Paul Wolfowitz
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Paul Dundes Wolfowitz (b. December 22, 1943) is a visiting scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, former academic, diplomat, military strategist, policymaker, and a dick. Wolfowitz served in the Defense and State Departments under Carter, Reagan, George H. W. Bush, and George W. Bush. In 2007, he resigned from the World Bank after an investigation over a promotion he secured for his girlfriend, and the fact that the affair forced people to conclude that someone was, indeed, willingly having sexual intercourse with Wolfowitz.
Contents |
Personal history
Wolfowitz was born to a Polish-Jewish immigrant family in New York. In 1957, Wolfowitz, then fourteen years old, spent a year living in Israel, as if Israel didn't have enough problems. Even as a child, Wolfowitz was a strong supporter of Israel, and, like many neocons, would channel that passion into a lifelong devotion to screwing up the Middle East.
As something of a dick prodigy, Wolfowitz began attending Cornell while still a high school student. Later, while still an undergraduate, he met Claire Selgin. They married in 1968, after which he convinced her to have sexual intercourse with him at least three times, producing the couple's three children.
The two separated in 1999. It is unknown why it took Claire Wolfowitz until 1999 to divorce, though one possible explanation is that, as a prominent anthropologist, she traveled frequently and was thus better able to tolerate being in a marriage with a dick like Wolfowitz.
In addition to English, Wolfowitz is able to be a dick in five other languages, Arabic, French, German, Hebrew, and Indonesian.
Post-graduate education
After graduating from Cornell, Wolfowitz attended the University of Chicago, because he wished to study with Leo Strauss, the intellectual godfather to an entire generation of neocon dicks.
In 1970, Wolfowitz went to Yale, where he earned a Ph.D. in political science. His doctoral dissertation was on "water desalinization in the Middle East." Though his dissertation did not solve the water supply crisis there, the issue, largely due to Wolfowitz's later efforts, is no longer considered among the region's top problems.
One of Wolfowitz's students at Yale was I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the dick who later became an aide to Vice President Dick Cheney and was convicted in the Valerie Plame affair.
Professional life
After working in the Carter and Reagan administrations, Wolfowitz became George H.W. Bush's U.S. Undersecretary of Defense for Policy and was responsible for realigning U.S. military strategy in the post-cold war environment, which has been a stunning success.
This is known as a joke.
Following the Persian Gulf War in 1991, Wolfowitz co-wrote the Defense Planning Guidance to "set the nation’s direction for the next century." The Bush administration had decided not to move into Baghdad and overthrow Saddam Hussein, favoring instead a policy of containment. Wolfowitz’s plan called for "preemption" and "unilateralism." It is unfortunate that we will just never know how that would have turned out.
After the election of President Bill Clinton in 1992, Wolfowitz left government service and became a private sector dick, until the Republicans regained power in 2000 and reassembled the network of fringe neocon dicks, much like the old gang from Ocean's 11, except with more death, chaos, car bombs, and suffering.
In 1997, Wolfowitz was associated with the Project for a New American Century, a Washington, D.C.-based think tank founded by second generation dicks William Kristol and Robert Kagan. PNAC's goal was to channel the feelings of sexual inadequacy felt by neocons into a foreign policy program. In regards to that goal it is generally thought to have been a great success.
From 2001 to 2005, Wolfowitz served at President George W. Bush's Deputy Secretary of Defense. In May 2001, Wolfowitz ordered the recall of 600,000 military berets made in China, stating "U.S. troops shall not wear berets made in China." Up untl then, few knew about Wolfowitz's muscular fashion policy. There has been some speculation that Wolfowitz was also behind the sudden switch to skinny jeans in 2006.
Iraq war
Of the attacks of 9-11, Wolfowitz said: "9/11 really was a wake up call and that if we take proper advantage of this opportunity to prevent the future terrorist use of weapons of mass destruction that it will have been an extremely valuable wake up call." Though many criticisms have been made against Wolfowitz over the course of his career, failing to "take proper advantage" of the deaths of other people's children has never been among them. It is only too bad that the 2,974 victims of 9/11 couldn't have gone through their "extremely valuable deaths" deaths earlier.
Post-Iraq
Having f***ed up the military and political aspects of the Middle East, only the financial sector was to enjoy Wolfowitz's vision and acumen. Accordingly, in 2005 Bush put forth Wolfowitz to be the President of the World Bank. The nomination split opinion. On one side was every sane person in the world, on the other, the Wall Street Journal editorial page.
While at the bank, Wolfowitz's relationship with a bank staffer, Shaha Ali Riza, became public. This was a problem for two reasons. The first: bank rules prohibit sexual relationships between a staff member and a manager, even if the former reports to the latter only indirectly. The second reason: someone is having sexual intercourse with Paul Wolfowitz. Presumably, she would regularly and willingly see Wolfowitz naked. Most likely, she even let him touch her. Sexually. Worst of all, though Riza was in her early 50's when she began dating Wolfowitz, recent scientific advances have made it possible that Riza could even have brought yet another Wolfowitz into the world. This would seem to be in direct conflict with the World Bank's mission of helping to improve conditions in the world.
After an ensuing ethics investigation, Wolfowitz announced his resignation from the bank on May 17, 2007.
A week later The New York Post reported that Wolfowitz and Riza had split up, leaving Wolfowitz to satisfy himself sexually, perhaps with images of his handiwork in the Middle East.
