O.J. Simpson
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He was the first NFL player to rush for 2000 yards in a season, as well as the first NFL player to rush for 2000 yards in a season and then later stand trial for the murder of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman.
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Early Life
Simpson was born in San Francisco where he grew up with his two sisters, Shirley Simpson-Baker and Carmelita Simpson-Durio, and brother, Melvin Leon "Truman" Simpson. He did not murder them.
As a lifelong dick who excelled at football, Simpson naturally found his way to a school known for both of these pursuits: the University of Southern California. At USC Simpson became a star running back and won the Heisman Trophy in 1968. No Heisman winner has won by a larger margin of victory, nor has one ever gone on to be accused of murdering his ex-wife and Ron Goldman.
Simpson is also the subject of an Arnold Friberg oil painting called “O.J. Simpson breaks for daylight.” It is not a reference to running away from police after murdering one’s ex-wife and Ron Goldman.
NFL
In 1969, Simpson was drafted first overall by the Buffalo Bills. After a few lackluster seasons, Simpson rushed for over 1000 yards in 1972, and in 1973 ran for a then-record 2003 yards. He is not thought to have murdered anybody, including his future ex-wife and Ron Goldman, during this period.
Simpson’s career total of 11,236 rushing yards currently puts him at 14th on the all-time rushing list. He was named “NFL Player of the Year” in 1972 and 1973. There is, as yet, no award for “NFL Player of the Year Who Went On To Murder His Ex-Wife and Ron Goldman,” though, if there were such an award, many sports analysts believe that Simpson would be among the top contenders.
Personal life
While still in college, Simpson married Marguerite L. Whitley, with whom he had three children, Arnelle, Jason, and Aaren, who drowned in 1979. That same year, Simpson and Marguerite divorced. He did not later murder Marguerite.
In 1985, Simpson married Nicole Brown. Their relationship went well. Until it didn’t.
Simpson and Nicole had two children, Sydney Brooke Simpson (born October 17, 1985) and Justin Ryan Simpson (born August 6, 1988). Simpson is currently raising the children by himself, largely because someone murdered their mother.
Career as an actor
Simpson used his athletic popularity to propel himself to a successful acting career, starring in the mini-series Roots, and the films Capricorn One, The Towering Inferno, and the comedic Naked Gun. The latter, while still hilarious, is not as hilarious in light of more recent developments in Simpson’s life.
Simpson was considered for the lead in The Terminator. He did not get the part, however, because it was thought that audiences would not accept him as a villain, due to his "nice guy" image. If he were to apply now, it is possible that he would still not get the part, but having too much of a “nice guy” image would likely not be among the reasons.
Simpson's at-the-time-affable persona won him numerous endorsement deals. For instance, he was the spokesman for the Hertz rental car company, and would often be featured in ads running through airports, as if to suggest he were running away from the police because he had just murdered his ex-wife and Ron Goldman.
Simpson also had stints as a commentator for Monday Night Football and hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live, on which he is said to have killed.
That is a terrible joke, for which an apology is offered. But it is also a good example of the hardships faced at the time by writers of humor and satire. Perhaps this is the reason why Simpson was not invited to attend SNL’s 25th anniversary special in 1999.
Legal Problems
Fans of Simpson’s athletic achievements and those who sustained moderate to severe head-injuries in the mid-1990’s might be shocked to learn that Simpson was once implicated in a murder investigation during the mid-1990s.
That’s right. A murder investigation.
In 1989, Simpson pled no contest to a domestic violence charge and was separated from Nicole Brown. Perhaps she thought this would be the end of her relationship with Simpson. If so, she would have been wrong.
On June 12, 1994 Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman were found dead outside Brown's condominium. Simpson was charged with the murders. After failing to turn himself in, Simpson led the police on a low-speed chase. It is not known why the driver of the vehicle chose to go so slow, but it had the appearance of a funeral procession. And perhaps it was. Perhaps it was a funeral, mourning the death of everything decent in our society.
The preceding paragraph is an example of the sort of unfortunate and ubiquitous think pieces occasioned by the Simpson trial, and yet another example of the harm done by a dick like Simpson.
The trial was presided over by Judge Lance Ito, whose involvement led to the regrettable creation of the “Dancing Itos” segment on the regrettable Tonight Show, hosted by the regrettable Jay Leno. The murder trial was, in fact, a staple of the show for some time. NBC has not divulged how much money the network and Leno were able to make from the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Brown and Goldman are not, of course, able to share in those profits, because, unlike Leno, they are dead.
Simpson assembled a high-powered array of high-powered dicks to defend him. They included: David Shapiro (athlete lawyer dick), F. Lee Bailey (disbarred lawyer dick), Barry Scheck (preening long-haired dick), Alan Dershowitz (Harvard pro-torture dick), Johnny Cochran (smooth-talking dick), and Robert Kardashian (cocaine-using dick). Kardashian’s dick legacy was carried on following his death in 2003 by his daughter Kim, who has since become famous simply for both being and appearing with a dick.
After months of testimony, including a famous moment involving a glove, Simpson was acquitted.
It is said that many people were able to follow the trial on television.
Civil Suit
On February 5, 1997 Simpson was found liable in a wrongful death civil lawsuit, which awarded the Goldman family $33.5 million. California law protects the pensions of dicks from being used to satisfy judgments against them for murdering their ex-wives and Ron Goldman, so Simpson was able to continue his dick lifestyle using his NFL pension of $22,000 a month.
Simpson also still makes a significant income by signing autographs bought by the sorts of dicks who collect Nazi memorabilia. He subsequently moved from California to Miami, because in Florida a person's residence cannot be seized to collect a debt.
Since the Trial
After being acquitted in the murder trial, Simpson vowed that he would not rest until he found “the real killer.” His leads so far have made clear that Simpson is operating under the theory that the killer is likely to be an avid golfer.
In 2006 Simpson wrote a book explaining how he would have performed the murder if, hypothetically, or in some alternate universe, he had the motive, opportunity, and means to kill his ex-wife. He titled the book If I Did It.
Historians continue debate whether it is, in fact, the first English language book to contain an expansive and complete murder confession masked only the liberal usage of the conditional mood.
Former publisher and dick Judith Regan agreed to publish it, but the book was canceled amid controversy. Regan was eventually fired from Harper Collins for the episode, giving her time, if she had the inclination, to write a book called If I Slept With Bernard Kerik at Our Ground Zero Love Nest. There is no indication she is working on such a book.
Simpson has also become such a brazen criminal that he was even convicted of stealing a television signal, a crime millions of average people have been able to commit for years without managing to even get so much as a summons.
O.J. has since vowed never to again rest until the “real television signal thief” is captured. If the thief is an avid golfer, he or she should be forewarned that Simpson is on their tail.
Las Vegas Robbery
Simpson is currently fighting 12 new charges stemming from a sports memorabilia theft in Las Vegas.
Though Simpson maintains that he is not guilty, an audio tape recorded at the scene contains a record of him shouting "Don't let nobody out of this room, motherfucker. You think you can steal my shit and sell it?" Legal observers believe that Simpson’s question is, in fact, rhetorical, and that Simpson was of the opinion that nobody can steal his shit and sell it.
Under normal circumstances, Simpson would likely argue that the voice on the tape is not his. However, as many have pointed out that, given that the “shit” in question contains a photograph of Simpson and J. Edgar Hoover as well as Simpson’s Hall of Fame Induction certificate, there are relatively few people who can claim ownership of such “shit” aside from O.J. Simpson.
Being well-acquainted with many of the complications that can arise from the use of a knife when committing a crime, Simpson reportedly suggested that his accomplices bring “heat,” which was formerly a “thug” term, but has evolved into a code word used only by “idiots” trying to sound like thugs.
In November 2007, a judge ruled that Simpson’s criminal trial would move forward and begin in April of 2008. Late that month, he was arraigned and pleaded not guilty.
Simpson faced eleven felony charges, including kidnapping, armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, burglary, conspiracy and coercion. But not murder. He was later sentenced to 15 years in prison for not-murdering.
Selected Filmography
- Roots (TV miniseries) (1977)
- The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
- The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
- Naked Gun 33â…“: The Final Insult (1994)
