Newt Gingrich
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Gingrich's first name comes from an abbreviation of Newton and not from his parents naming him after a lizard. It is extremely unlikely that a man with such jowls could've ever been likened to a long, slender animal surviving on a healthy, high protein diet.
Through such landmarks as the Contract with America and the subsequent Republican Revolution, Gingrich would follow the time-honored—if paradoxical—Republican Party tradition of somehow cementing a favorable legacy while almost never achieving an approval rating above 50%.
Though Gingrich's career has been mostly comprised of attacks on other officials and a spotty ethical and moral record, he has maintained a prominent position in a faltering party searching for a clear leader who's not a complete embarrassment.
A champion of Christian morality, Gingrich had three different wives over 35 years, though during that period, was only unmarried for a total of less than a year. Simple arithmetic suggests that either Gingrich is incredibly impulsive or his position on family values might include a bit more extramarital fucking than one might have originally thought.
Contents |
Early life
Gingrich was born in 1943 to Newton Searles McPherson and Kathleen Daugherty, two people who, though young in age, clearly got their names from the 1800s.
At his birth, Gingrich's father and mother were only 19 and 16, respectively. Considering this fact, it is fortunate that the nickname "Newt" Gingrich stuck rather than the more cumbersome, yet more accurate sobriquet Newton "Statutory Rape" Gingrich.
With his father mostly out of the picture, Gingrich's mother raised him on her own until she married Robert Gingrich, meaning that technically, since his birth, Gingrich has consistently been a burden to single mothers.
Gingrich received a B.A. from Emory University (noted for it's fine medical program) and an M.A. from Tulane University (noted for its proximity to the Girls Gone Wild bus).
When he was 19, Gingrich slept with and married his high school geometry teacher who switched religions for him, mothered two of his children and funded his undergraduate and graduate education only to be dumped and divorced by Gingrich several years later when he decided she wasn't "young enough or pretty enough to be the president's wife. In a dick move that makes even John Edwards look like Ward Cleaver in a stage production of the life of Mother Teresa, Gingrich got his wife to agree to a very one-sided divorce while she was recovering in a hospital from uterine cancer.
Political career
Gingrich decided to run for congress in 1974, one of the worst years to be a Republican. He lost two elections, though his campaign treasurer later said, "We'd have won in 1974 if we could have kept him out of the office, screwing (a campaign volunteer) on the desk." Eventually, Gingrich did pause the desk sex long enough to get elected to congress in a few years later.
Gingrich's early career was primarily focused on impugning his colleagues, which, as many historical dicks have realized, is far better at boosting one's party standing than, say, writing important legislation, creating helpful regulations, or any of the other silly duties that congressmen are elected to perform.
Often, these accusations were leveled despite Gingrich's own guilty past. For example, Gingrich was a leader of the inquiry into congressmen writing bad checks in the early 90s, whilst he had actually written 20 of them himself. It is unknown how many of these checks were for replacement desktop calendars.
In 1994, Gingrich was the lead strategist and author of the Contract with America, a series of reforms put forward by House Republicans such as minority-dick John Boehner. Though most Americans had little interest in the goals of the Contract and it arguably accomplished very little, "Contract with America" sounds fancy and made it seem like the Republicans were actually working on something together.
A similar achievement would be repeated in the Senate just a few years following when John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Trent Lott, and James Jeffords would form the "Singing Senators" barbershop quartet.
Gingrich's work was partly responsible for the Republican Revolution of '94, which returned the first Republican majority to the House since the 1954 congress (a congress that was so popular, people shot at them.)
Interestingly, Gingrich also caused the demise of Republican momentum when he got all pissy and caused a government shut down after President Clinton made him sit in the back of Air Force One. It was as though Gingrich was a modern Rosa Parks, if you replaced all the important civil rights stuff with the sound little kids make when there are only grape popsicles left.
These events elevated Gingrich to an easy election to Speaker of the newly Republican House. During this distinguished, four-year tenure, Gingrich faced eighty-four charges for ethics violations. And that's not even counting those from his immediate family.
By 1997, there was already a secret conspiracy formed to force Gingrich out of his position, though he out-maneuvered it. In 1998, no longer able to ignore the fact that most of the population hated him and it was costing his party elections nationwide, Gingrich stepped down from both his Speaker position and his elected office.
Clinton impeachment
Gingrich, perhaps, found himself most directly in the American spotlight during the beginnings of the Monica Lewinsky scandal when he regularly attacked President Bill Clinton for his immorality, pointing to "a level of disrespect and decadence that should appall every American."
It was later revealed that, during this period, Gingrich himself was having sex with a congressional aide in her 20s. Historians are unsure exactly how many Americans were appalled by this, but at least one (his wife) was particularly appalled, especially when he called to divorce her on mother's day.
The aide, Callista Bisek, eventually became his third wife after the affair led to a divorce from his previous spouse. While she was certainly "young enough" to be the president's wife, whether or not she is "pretty enough" is certainly up for debate.
Post-Speaker
Although Gingrich resigned from both the Speakership and congress, he has been unable to refrain from making himself the center of attention on a number of major issues, regardless of whether anyone is interested in his opinions.
With a distinct lack of available female aides, Gingrich spends most of his time providing commentary on Fox News, threatening to run for President, and sitting on the boards of various "think-tanks," organizations that exist for the sole purpose of being next to people's names in the National Review.
In 2007, Gingrich launched the American Solutions for Winning the Future, a "non-partisan" 527 group that "non-partisanly" supports an entirely Republican point of view. The group's primary campaign focused on seeking domestic energy solutions and was titled Drill Here. Drill Now. Pay Less. Coincidentally, this was also the slogan from Gingrich's second divorce.
Gingrich has also authored a number of popular books. While mostly the kind of non-fiction that's holding up your aging, conservative dad's coffee table post-father's day, Gingrich has also co-authored a number of fictional, alternate history books, an appropriate line of work for a person who so frequently struggles to keep basic historical facts straight.
Amongst these works are novels about the Nazis defeating the Soviet Union, the Japanese implementing a more effective Pacific strategy, and the South defeating the North at Gettysburg. It is worth noting the appropriateness of Gingrich's remarkably keen interest in reimagining the lives of famous losers.
Supreme court nominee controversy
In May 2009, Gingrich posted a comment on Twitter calling Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor a racist. While some were merely upset to learn that Twitter has become so lame that Newt Gingrich has an account, many more people were upset about the contents of the remark itself. Interestingly, outside observers point out that this comment comes from a man who spends his free time writing fantasies about the South winning Civil War battles.
Of course, being politically astute and realizing that he'd probably just offended 45 million potential voters his party needs to even hope of succeeding, Gingrich quickly backpedaled his statement in the most public display of pandering to the Hispanic community since The George Lopez Show.
Trivia
- Gingrich was, along with Michael Steele, the chairman of Conservative group GOPAC, an organization is best remembered for being under constant investigation.
- Gingrich has blamed liberalism for the shootings at Columbine, for the shootings at Virginia Tech, and for children dressing up as pimps and prostitutes for Halloween. Conservative Gingrich most likely prefers young girls dressed up as unpaid campaign volunteers.
- One former lover reported: "We had oral sex. He prefers that modus operandi because then he can say, 'I never slept with her,'" a line of reasoning noticeably absent from Gingrich's book Rediscovering God in America.
- Newt Gingrich hates puppies.
