Naomi Campbell
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With long legs and a sophisticated, sultry style, Naomi Campbell was once the archetypal cover girl. Back in 1989. She has managed to remain in the spotlight by throwing a series of very public hissy-fits, slapping personal assistants and assaulting whoever happens to be closest with whatever happens to be closest, which in her case usually happens to be either a BlackBerry PDA or jewel-encrusted cell phone.
Campbell has blamed these “outbursts” on lingering resentment toward her father for abandoning her, but really she’s just super pissed because no male under the age of 50 has wanted to have sex with her for a very, very long time.
Naomi Campbell sweats Tyra Banks like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.
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Childhood
Naomi Campbell began acting like a spoiled, icy C-U-Next-Tuesday from her birth on May 22, 1970, a birthday she shares with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Sir Lawrence Olivier, who, being two wrinkled-up old white guys with snifters of port, tweed jackets, and suboptimal oral hygiene, provide a much better example of what British people usually look like.
Campbell hails from Streatham, England, which is also the birthplace of noted dick Simon Cowell, as well the guy who tried to pass himself off as 007 after Sean Connery retired. There, she attended the Italia Conti Academy, Britain’s oldest, and therefore snootiest theatre arts school, alma mater of such theatrical luminaries as Noel Coward and Sharon Osbourne.
The daughter of a former ballet dancer and an unnamed bloke who fancied a shag then left her mom in the pudding club, Naomi Campbell is of both Afro-Jamaican and Chinese descent. Of her appearance, she has remarked: “My features are completely ethnic, and I’m proud of them.” She then presumably knocked whoever asked upside the head with a 27 thousand dollar Fendi bag.
Career
Naomi Campbell’s big break came in 1982 when she starred in the video for Culture Club’s “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya,” as the “ya” Boy George was “tumbling 4.” Turns out to be an 11-year-old Afro-Chinese-Jamaican girl dressed as a male tap dancer. Figures.
Like most dicks of the very attractive/very athletic variety, Campbell totally destroyed any chances she may have had at being a normal person by leaving high school at age 15 to be a model full time. Soon, she signed with an elite model management agency, Elite Model Management, and within a few short years was gracing the dick covers of such dick publications as Vogue, Vogue Paris, and Vogue Nippon. She also posed nude for Playboy and appeared in Madonna’s 1992 “book” Sex in a set with Madonna herself and rapper Big Daddy Kane.
Many consider Campbell’s most famous appearance to be in George Michael’s video “Freedom! ’90,” which featured her lip-synching to his song along with fellow future washed-up supermodels Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, and Tatjana Patitz. That must have been a really tough name for a model, with that “-titz” at the end.
In all, she has appeared in more than 20 music videos, for artists who’ve ceased to be relevant since last millennium, including Michael Jackson, P. Diddy, and The Notorious B.I.G, dead since 1993.
As a supermodel, Naomi Campbell was part of the two major supermodel powerhouses: the Big Six, alongside Crawford, Evangelista, Turlington, Claudia Schiffer, and Kate Moss; and The Trinity, alongside Turlington and Evangelista. Maybe if they’d called those groups something less assuming she wouldn’t have turned out to be such an insufferably entitled bitch.
Music
In 1991, Campbell was featured on Vanilla Ice’s single “Cool as Ice,” which very well may be the absolute nadir of American music. The song was the centerpiece of the movie Cool as Ice, which may very well be the absolute nadir of American cinema, word to your mother. Undeterred by her blatant lack of signing talent, in 1995 Campbell released her disaster of a debut album, Baby Woman, which produced her absolute travesty of a single “Love and Tears.” While this album failed to place higher than 75 on the UK charts, it sold more than one million copies in Japan, thus providing incontrovertible evidence that the Japanese have terrible taste in music, and should just stick to tentacle porn.
Literature
In an effort to prove just how pervasive her inability to do anything other than purse her lips for an Elle photo shoot was, in 1994 Campbell “wrote” and published Swan, a novel about a supermodel who is blackmailed. Of course, it turned out this novel was actually written by someone else, with Campbell later explaining: “I just did not have time to sit down and write a book.”
Fashion
Oblivious to the age-old adage that just because you model fashion, doesn’t mean you can design it, Campbell founded the Design House of Naomi Campbell. So far, this fashion juggernaut has created seven fragrances for women, including the creatively named Naomi Campbell and Naomagic, though she has nothing to do with Nayonaise, the soy-based vegan alternative to mayonnaise that is easily the most disgusting condiment you could ever have the misfortune of smearing on your Boca burger.
Charity
Beginning in 1997, Campbell has thrown her skeleton into charity work, focusing mainly on the people of Sub-Saharan Africa. She is uniquely suited to both hunger relief and AIDS work, herself having not eaten for fifteen years and having slept with every heterosexual man in the fashion industry; a small--albeit horny--minority. In 2005, she participated in, and helped create, Fashion for Relief, helping Hurricane Katrina victims get what they needed most: $35 special-edition Ralph Lauren T-shirts. She also hosted the South African portion of Live 2007, a series of worldwide rock concerts conceived in part by paunchy self-satisfied enviro-dick Al Gore to battle global warming. Interestingly enough, no one knows for sure exactly how a rock concert actually battles global warming, just like no one knows for sure exactly where the proceeds from Live Earth actually wound up going.
Personal Life
Throughout her career, Campbell has been romantically linked to all sorts of skeevy celebridicks, including Tommy Lee, Eddie Murphy, and Mike Tyson. For a time during the 1990s, she was engaged to U2’s Adam Clayton, but there’s no way a supermodel like Campbell would ever marry a bass player. She probably wouldn’t even have married The Edge.
She has also been arrested and convicted of physically and verbally abusing all sorts of people—personal assistants and housekeepers, mostly, but also policemen, flight attendants, and, once, supposedly, an Italian actress who had the unmitigated gall to wear the same dress as her.
While still embroiled in a civil case brought by former employees over said abuse, and after already serving a community service sentence of mopping floors at the New York Department of Sanitation—which to someone like her must have been worse than 10 years in state prison—Naomi totally freaked out in the VIP section of a Led Zeppelin concert at London’s O2 Arena, believing someone stole her BlackBerry. What made her even more furious is that she did not have the handheld electronic organizer to beat anyone with.
Not long after that, Naomi Campbell was arrested inside Heathrow’s airport for a variety of offenses, including spitting in a police officer’s face because her luggage was missing. For this incident, in June 2008, she was convicted and sentenced to 200 hours of community service. She was also banned from British Airways for life. In perhaps the final insult, the one that very well might propel her to her ultimate self-destruction, Naomi Campbell was removed from the invite list to Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday concert. By Nelson Mandela himself. Wow.
