Muqtada al-Sadr
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Better known simply as Muqtada al-Sadr—or, “Mookie,” to his friends—he is one of the most influential figures in Iraq not to hold an official title. Or an improvised explosive device strapped to his chest. Or a seat on the board of Kellogg, Brown, and Root.
Al-Sadr is the son of revered Iraqi opposition leader Grand Ayatollah Mohammad Mohammad Sadeq al-Sadr—an ayatollah so nice, they named him twice—and bases much of his support on the extreme popularity of his father. In this way, he is a lot like Frank Sinatra, Jr.
He wants to be Osama bin Laden so bad he can taste it.
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Biography
Childhood and Education
Muqtada al-Sadr began totally cock-blocking peace in the Middle East from the moment of his birth on August 12, 1973, a birthday he shares with Sir Mix-A-Lot, Casey Affleck, the guitarist from Dire Straits, and that guy they tried to pass off as the third Stooge after Shemp died.
Not only was Sadr’s father a Grand Ayatollah, but so was his great-grandfather, Ismail as-Sadr, as well as his father-in-law, Mohammad Baqir As-Sadr. One can’t help but wonder what the current situation in Iraq would be had the Sadr family business been scrap iron, for instance, or a pool cleaning service.
Interestingly enough, though Muqtada al-Sadr is viewed as a spiritual chief as well as a warlord, he lacks both formal religious standing as well as the authority to issue fatwas, which kind of takes all the fun out of being a radical cleric. While Sadr did attend religious seminary at Najaf Hawza, he failed to finish. Apparently, it was too much of a party school for him.
“Rise” to Power
In 1999, Sadr’s father and two brothers were “assassinated” by “assassins.” As “luck” would have it, this left Moqtada, then a 25-year-old unemployed video gamer (true), in the convenient position of not only of being the sole heir to his father’s considerable power and resources, but also having an easy scapegoat for the killings, namely Saddam Hussein.
Like a fatter, less tech-savvy Batman with a crazy-guy beard, Sadr used his family’s murder as an excuse to become a vigilante. In an effort to fill the security void left by U.S.-led coalition forces in 2003, he formed what came to be known as the Mahdi Army, which is a lot like the Kiss Army, only without the platform boots and prosthetic tongues.
Shortly after the ouster of Saddam Hussein and his Ba’ath regime, Sadr claimed that he had more legitimacy to govern the country than the Coalition-appointed Iraqi Governing Council. And by legitimacy, he meant suicide bombers. Since then, both Sadr and the Mahdi Army have been widely accused of propelling the cycle of sectarian violence that threatens to plunge Iraq into all-out civil war. They have also been accused of the plot to vote Sanjaya off last season’s American Idol, but those accusations have not been proven.
Muqtada al-Sadr dominates the southern portion of Iraq, including the city of Najaf, Sadr family stronghold and Mahdi Army headquarters. He also controls a suburb of Baghdad known as Sadr City, an area not to be confused with Solder City, the tri-state area’s leading supplier for all your welding needs.
Popularity
While some in the American press—mostly those on the Bush administration’s “secret” payroll—describe Muqtada al-Sadr as enjoying very little confidence, a 2004 poll showed that nearly 70 per cent of Iraqis supported him. Not bad, considering that he both looks and sounds like he’s actually a character being played by Carlos Mencia. However, only two percent of respondents selected him as their first choice for President of Iraq. Interestingly enough, recent polls project him defeating John McCain in national U.S. elections. Should he succeed in seating all his delegates from the Green Zone, he could wreak havoc on the Obama campaign.
Titles
Sadr carries the honorific prefix Hojatoleslam, or “HoJo,” for short. It is an academic title meaning “scholar of” Islam, and indicates that he is a middle-ranking cleric only, with limited authority and abilities. In this way, he’s a lot like a podiatrist—sure, he can call himself “Dr.” but he can’t write you a prescription for Oxycodone, so stop asking.
Sadr is a Shia Muslim, as opposed to a Sunni Muslim, two sects of Islam who mostly hate each other. In essence, the Sunnis are like the Red Sox and the Shias like the Yankees, with preference dictated almost entirely by geographic location. In this analogy, Iraq would be Vermont, mostly Red Sox territory with small but devoted enclaves of Yankee fans along the border. Regardless of your choice of forced metaphor, both sects are really, really similar to each other; in the end they’re all just grown men dressed in silly outfits each trying to assert their dominance over the National League, in this case all of Western civilization.
Personal Life
Married in his early 20s, al-Sadr has still produced no children, which means the blanks this guy is shooting aren’t in his guns.
Like most fundamentalist Islamic leaders, Sadr is said to be a video gaming enthusiast. His other hobbies include guerilla warfare, undermining democracy, ordering assassinations, pinning them on Ba’athists, going into exile, returning from exile, and throwing himself parades.
Though you wouldn’t think it—what with all the armed insurgency, the alleged execution of innocent civilians by “holy” death squads, and formation of a shadow government—Muqtada al-Sadr actually has an excellent sense of humor. You should hear his Al Pacino impression some time. Spot on.
Ayatollah?
In early 2008, Moqtada al-Sadr was reported to be in Iran, studying to be an ayatollah. Should he at long last complete this training, it could spell a huge resurgence in the market for “Ayatollah Ass-a-hole-a” T-shirts, which peaked sometime around 1986.
