Mike Huckabee
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Huckabee is also an evangelical minister, as well as an author and a rock musician, thus allowing him the rare opportunity to publicly burn his own books and records. He is also famous for having lost 110 pounds in a very short amount of time, a feat he accomplished mostly by switching to low-carb communion wafers.
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Early Life
The Lord created Mike Huckabee in Hope, Arkansas, a town famous not only for producing Bill Clinton, but also the world’s largest watermelons, the Lewinsky-an implications of which are too staggering to contemplate. Born August 24, 1955 to parents Mae and Dorsey, Huckabee shares his birthday with international irritants Yasser Arafat and Steve Guttenberg.
After finishing Hope High School in 1973, Huckabee attended Ouachita Baptist University, aka “the Harvard of West Central Arkansas.” He graduated OBU magna cum laude, Latin for “rapidly expanding backside,” before attending Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas, where he dropped out after only one year. Reportedly, it was too much of a party school for him.
Pastoral Career
At 23, Huckabee cut his teeth in the world of televangelism, serving as public relations dick for Rev. James Robison, whose own take on spreading the gospel entailed hawking vitamins on late night TV and funneling African aid to himself and his wife.
From 1980-1992, Huckabee pastorized his own flock, first in Texarkana and then Pine Bluff, Arkansas, starting local 24-hour Christian television stations in both communities. As a minister, he preached the doctrine of “Biblical inerrancy,” which essentially asserts that everything in the Bible is 100% historically and scientifically accurate. Yes, even the part with the talking snake and the guy who reaches into his own chest cavity, pulls out a bone, and rubs dust on it to make himself a girlfriend.
Political Career
There’s only one place for Republican religious zealots in Arkansas: politics. Also, Klan meetings.
Governor
In 1992, Huckabee made a wildly unsuccessful 1992 bid for U.S. Senate. Crucified at the polls, his political career was resurrected several months later, when then-governor Bill Clinton ascended to the White House, leaving open the lieutenant’s seat—a seat into which Huckabee nonetheless managed to squeeze his rather ample buttocks. Three years later he somehow wedged his even-wider self into the unexpired governor’s desk, vacated by John Tucker, who was forced from office in the wake of the Whitewater scandal.
In this way, Huckabee owes his entire political career to the Clintons, a favor he intends to repay by saving them front-row seats at the Rapture.
Presidential Candidacy
Emboldened by two gubernatorial terms that many actually characterize as fairly decent—a dubious distinction considering Arkansas is one of the poorest, least literate states in America—Huckabee decided to run for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination.
As far as anyone could tell, Huckabee had no real campaign platform aside from the usual Republican spate of anti-anything fun (aside from legalized assault weapons). As a candidate who existed just to appease the crackpots on the far right, Huckabee was in essence the Republican Dennis Kucinich, only he didn't know he couldn’t win and his wife wasn’t nearly as hot.
Between Huckabee’s initial announcement and the Iowa Straw Poll—a non-binding vote that serves as an opportunity for Midwest Republicans to eat funnel cakes and check out the new John Deere models—Huckabee’s campaign didn’t do much of anything.
Then, he received an endorsement from Chuck Norris, who threatened to kick every Iowan’s ass if Huckabee didn’t take the state caucus. The Missing in Action star also struck fear into the hearts of West Virginians, Alabamians and Kansans, leading to Huckabee victories in those states. Despite this, Huckabee still got his ass handed to him by John McCain, who carried all the states that still teach evolution in their public schools.
Despite the near mathematical impossibility of winning the nomination, Huckabee refused to concede, stating: “I majored in miracles, not math.” He has drawn a lot of fire for that comment, because technically miracles were just his concentration. He really majored in Feminist Theory.
After dropping out of the election, Huckabee did what any ultraconservative addicted to the attention would do: got a show on Fox News. It is expected that this will help launch his 2012 presidential campaign by giving him proper time to craft even more of the worst jokes anyone has ever heard.
Baptist Bassist
The only cool thing about Mike Huckabee is that he’s a pretty sick bassist in a southern-fried rock band, Capitol Offense, which has opened for such artists as REO Speedwagon and Grand Funk Railroad. In the non-chance he would have been elected, Huckabee could have been the first U.S. President to front a band since Martin Van Buren’s eponymous shred-heavy juggernaut “Van Buren.” There is also every indication he would have packed his cabinet with all the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Fat Baptist
In 2003, an obese Mike Huckabee, who admitted to weighing 280-300 pounds (meaning an actual tally probably closer to 350), followed in the footsteps of other diet-conscious politicians like Mohandas K. Gandhi and became cadaverously thin almost overnight. He has since received several accolades for his work as a “health crusader,” despite his strong ties to the tobacco industry and his flip-flop on the federal smoking ban.
Fox News Show
In late 2008, Mike Huckabee joined the cracker-jack Fox News team with weekend talk show called Huckabee. On it, Mike interviews Chuck Norris, gives his fans gifts like ties with pictures of his guitar on them, performs "comedy," and plays the guitar. This has put Huckabee at the top of his time slot because America is also a dick.
