Michael Steele
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Steele is seemingly the next model in a recent line of inept Republican officials who have risen to power simply because they are the seen as an antidote to a major democratic candidate rather than being something unhelpful like, say, a strong advocate for their constituents positions.
Through his frequent use of "slang" and attempts to appeal to urban youth, it is unclear if Steele is actually an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party or just trying to be what most Republicans officials imagined an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party would look like.
In either case, Steele is ironically a poor man's Barack Obama who was created for the rich man's political party, making him like the Sharper Image of American politics.
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Early life
Steele is not merely a fictional character of American Folklore, but a real person. He was born on an air force base and adopted, though these facts have further fueled the popular theory that he was genetically engineered by rogue GOP scientists.
Though Steele was raised in a minimum wage, single-parent family with democratic tendencies, Steele switched to the Republican party when he realized being a black Republican would get him way more honorary awards from the Chamber of Commerce.
Steele has said that he identified with Ronald Reagan's message of "pulling one's self up by the bootstraps." Why he was wearing strap-adorned boots in urban Maryland is still a mystery, but this belief from his youth proved early on that he was both strong-willed as well as completely unable to understand subtext.
During his youth, Steele performed in high school musicals, which—much like being a mathlete or president of the yearbook—really makes it not ok for one to use Ebonics patronizingly on television.
Steele attended Johns Hopkins University where he was captain of the fencing team, two of the primary reasons Nas will never write a rap song about him, but Stephen Colbert will. At Johns Hopkins (a principle breeding ground for two famous species of dick: doctors and "dudes" who are "hardcore into lacrosse"), Steele followed in the tried and true Republican leadership tradition of attending a great University whilst barely passing. He was almost expelled after his first year.
After graduation, Steele entered the seminary to become a Catholic priest. Later, probably after actually considering what a lifetime vow of celibacy really meant, Steele decided to forego the priesthood and continue having sex with women, challenging as it may be for a former musical theater nut and member of the fencing team.
Political beginnings
After obtaining a Juris Dicktorate and becoming a corporate lawyer, Steele failed the Maryland bar exam. He went on to run a failed legal consulting firm. This would become a pattern.
It was around this time that Steele realized his potential as a political dickionette was far more promising than his career in corporate law and he decided to begin working for the Maryland Republican party.
In what must have been a scene out of a Mel Brooks film, Maryland state party officials were most likely dumbstruck upon first meeting Steele, but quickly guided him up the ranks until he was nominated as a candidate for Lieutenant Governor. Unfortunately, unlike most actors in Mel Brooks films, Steele did not disappear to never be heard from again.
In September 2002 during a governors' debate, Steele and others reported that Oreo cookies were tossed on to the stage in a tasteless display of racism. Some opponents claim that no Oreos were actually found, while others argue that the disrupters were instead using them to antagonize his gubernatorial opponent: this man.
Steele was elected to two terms as Maryland's Lieutenant Governor, becoming the state's first African-American statewide elected official while simultaneously being it's least qualified. This marked the first time that both opponents and supporters of affirmative action had the opportunity to be outraged about the same thing.
In 2006, Steele ran unsuccessfully for the Senate with the help of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.
At the 2008 Republican Convention, one of Steele's first major acts as a national public dick was to introduce one of the most irritating political cheers in American history: "Drill baby, drill." In an interesting turn of events, this phrase would later be chanted by legions of Sarah Palin supporters in a frightening display that would reaffirm why most black people wanted nothing to do with the Republican Party.
The ability to incite white people in cowboy hats to angry chanting and the inability to understand the nuance of a global energy crisis being major qualification for the position, Steele decided to run for chairmanship of the Republican National committee. Steele refuted critics by saying, "I am a Republican who happens to be African-American," which brought the total number of individuals believing that to: one dick.
Bizarro Barack Obama
After the political success of Barack Obama, the GOP decided to capitalize on the trend and promote the only guy who looked like Obama that they could find to be the head of their party, Michael Steele. These events have led many wonder what would have happened if the Democrats had a major female presidential candidate and the Republicans then decided to promote an unqualified woman to—oh wait.
RNC chairmanship
Soon after his election, Steele immediately went on the offensive, declaring he would give the GOP a "hip-hop makeover." One of his first orders of business was to go on every talk show and newspaper possible and use phrases like "off the hook" for his campaign strategy and "bling bling" for his opposition to the stimulus package. There is some debate as to whether this was to lure young African-Americans to the party or simply to remind everybody of his ethnicity, but one thing has been determined: this strategy is less appropriately likened to Newt Gingrich's Contract with America than it is to the first time you heard your mom say "talk to the hand."
The argument that Steele is simply trying appeal to a younger, hipper audience in these interviews has led many to question what the exact circulation of The Washington Times is in "the hood."
With Republican funds in short supply after the 2008 election, Steele decided that would be a perfect time to remodel his entire RNC office. It is currently unclear if it is the energy platform or the economic platform that requires having a bowflex for the office.
During his first embattled month on the job, Steele guest hosted the William Bennett radio show. In addition to attempting to draw connections between the Obama and Nixon administrations as well as referring to Benito Mussolini as "Roberto Mussolini" (a common mistake among people who skipped 10th grade history), he also claimed that there's no such thing as global warming and that instead we're in a period of "global cooling." Not content merely being in the minority of scientists and school children, he went on to explain that Greenland is called that for a reason, an error that could have been avoided simply by paying attention to that woman from Iceland's dialogue in D2: The Mighty Ducks.
Ideological struggles
Though it's easy to say Steele was not initially aware of all the intricacies of Republican strategy, it became immediately clear that he had not even read the memo of what his party's been about for the last 10 years.
Among his first orders of business were stating that abortion should be a woman's choice and that homosexuality is something you're born with. Initially, this could be mistaken for an individual trying to advance a dying party into the 21st century. But that would only be the case if the individual were pretty much anyone who is not Michael Steele.
Steele also confounded everyone by declaring that Rush Limbaugh was not the de facto leader of the party and that Limbaugh's show was "incendiary" and "ugly." Unfortunately, this major, noteworthy statement was delivered on D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, which is the Meet the Press of Saturday evening, comedy-news shows no one even knows exists.
But such clearheaded, on-par-with-the-majority-of-the-country thought can only be short lived at the RNC, and Steele quickly apologized for all of these remarks, clarifying: "Words that I said weren't what I was thinking. It was one of those things where I was thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently."
Trivia
- Steele plans to run for President if God tells him the time is right. He will run for the most powerful job in the world for God, but wouldn't do the one thing God already asked him to do: stop having sex with women.
- Steele has said that he likes old school hip-hop like "P. Diddy" as well as the Dean Martin and the "Pack Rats," proving that in addition to being unable to live up to the hype of his chairmanship, he cannot effectively live up to the hype of the two stereotyped constituencies he's trying to appeal to.
- He has claimed that his gaffes are all "strategic." Many observers of this unique stratagem are anxious to discover where fucking up Mussolini's first name fits in.
- Joe the Plumber has been an outspoken critic of Steele, though that could be because he's still trying fit together the words "black" and "republican" in a context that is not followed by "walk into a bar."
- Steele once declared he offered "some slum love" to Bobby Jindal, which is either an incredibly poor formed Slumdog Millionaire reference or a semi-severe venereal disease one might contract at a Cincinnati massage parlor.
