Mel Gibson
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For Gibson’s work on Braveheart, he received the Oscar for Best Mullet. It really was an extraordinary mullet: lush, luxuriant—there was even a little braid woven down the side.
In 2004, Gibson produced and directed The Passion of the Christ, a controversial film portraying the last hours of the final days of some guy. Pretty much the only saving grace of this film is that Gibson himself did not star as this guy. Thanks largely to The Passion’s success—born entirely from the controversy it aroused rather than any real artistic, theatrical, and/or theological merit—Gibson was named #1 on the Forbes most powerful celebrity list, perhaps the most dicktacular list in America. Well, aside from maybe “Richest Person in Los Angeles.” Gibson cracks the Top 50 on that one, too.
Mel Gibson is Australian, though his accent comes and goes, especially during films in which he’s supposed to be an American revolutionary, for instance, or a melancholy Dane. He is perhaps the most odious thing to come from Australia, other than Olivia Newton John. And Chumbawumba. And Outback Steakhouse. And that disgusting black vegetable spread they love so much. In fact, nothing good has ever come from Australia. Okay, maybe Men At Work, but they haven’t released an album in 20 years, and also Nicole Kidman, but she hardly ever gets naked anymore (certainly no bush).
Russell Crowe wishes he were Mel Gibson so bad, it gives him a boner that a dingo couldn’t bite through.
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Early life
Mel Gibson began making the odd Tom Cruise-ian metamorphosis from hunk to kook with his birth on January 3, 1956. He shares this birthday with J.R.R. Tolkien and the crappier of the two Manning brothers currently playing quarterback in the NFL.
Interestingly enough, Gibson is not originally from the Land Down Under. He was actually born in Peekskill, New York, which means that Gibson cannot ever be deported no matter how much racial turmoil he incites or how many Lethal Weapon sequels he decides to make.
The sixth of 11 children, Mel is the son of noted dick Holocaust denier Hutton Gibson, author of such nutburger religious screeds as The Enemy is Here! It was Hutton who moved the family to Australia in the late 1960s, with proceeds he won as a champion on Jeopardy! True story. One can only imagine the impact on cinematic history had the elder Gibson failed to phrase the answer in the form of a question.
Gibson’s younger brother Donal is also an actor, though the only Mel Gibson films he’s ever appeared in were Braveheart, as Stewart, whoever the hell that was, and Maverick, as Riverboat Poker Player. This of course begs the question: is that the best Mel Gibson could do for his own brother? How much of a dick move is that? You’d think he could’ve at least gotten him South African Henchman Who Gets Decapitated By Flying Surfboard in Lethal Weapon 2.
Career in Australian cinema
Before moving to Hollywood, Mel Gibson was one of the biggest stars in Australian cinema, which is kind of like being the thinnest person at a Weight Watchers meeting. Still, Mad Max, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, and, to a lesser extent, Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome are pretty freaking awesome. Nothing, no matter how dickish, can take that away from Mel Gibson.
Career in Hollywood
Despite a career based initially in the action-adventure genre, Mel Gibson is a classically trained and fairly versatile actor. Throughout his career, he has been a burn out, a desolate loner, a crackpot with a death wish, an inciter of rebellion, a mutineer, and a disfigured freak. He has also played these roles in films.
Gibson is perhaps best known in the role of Detective Martin Riggs in the Lethal Weapon series. As such, he helped pioneer that specific brand of buddy cop film that pairs a zany, snakeskin-booted martial arts expert with a crusty black detective who constantly finds himself in the precarious situation of getting “too old for this shit.”
Following the general trajectory for blue-eyed, leathery tough guys, Mel Gibson used his stardom to begin writing and directing films as well as starring in them. For a while, Gibson was in serious competition with Kevin Costner to see who could make the longest, most-self aggrandizing vanity project with himself in the role of legendary historic hero. Gibson won.
Of course, Mel Gibson likes to keep his dick thumb in many dick pies. In 1989, he co-founded Icon Productions, the independent production company responsible for Payback and also that one where for some ridiculous reason he’s suddenly granted mind-reading capabilities, which he uses to find out “what women want.” What’s that one called again? Oh, yeah, The Man Without a Face.
Icon’s two most recent films—The Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto—reflect Gibson’s singular vision as producer, director, and screenwriter. The films were rendered in ancient Aramaic and Yucatec Mayan languages, respectively, therefore making it very difficult to tell just how crappy they actually were, especially for American audiences, who can’t be bothered to read subtitles, particularly while the characters on screen are spewing blood and getting disemboweled.
Despite mixed critical reviews, The Passion earned Icon, and by extension Gibson, more than $600,000,000 worldwide, which is the largest anyone has ever profited off Jesus. Eat your heart out, Creed.
Mel Gibson’s Passion (for hating Jews)
For nearly 20 years, Gibson managed to maintain a certain respectability as a filmmaker. Of course, it didn’t hurt that People magazine kept naming him Sexiest Man Alive, and giving him photospread after photospread that pretty much moistened every perimenopausal woman in America. It wasn’t until the 2004 release of The Passion of the Christ that Mel Gibson’s true dickishness revealed itself.
For one, the film married a heavy Christian message with extremely explicit violence in a way not seen since the mosh pit at Stryper’s reunion concert. For another, the main storyline depicts Jesus relentlessly pursued by an evil cabal of Jews—in the director’s cut, the cabal pursues him in a helicopter gunship, which flies undetected through downtown Los Angeles to the strains of Eric Clapton vamping on guitar.
Needless to say, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) issued an immediate outcry, claiming the film stoked contemporary anti-Semitism. Of course to be fair, the ADL is always claiming that about something. Soon several opposing groups jumped to Gibson’s aid, one of the most vocal being the National Socialist Front, Sweden’s largest Neo-Nazi political party. And when Scandinavian skinheads take your side, you know you’re in the right.
In his own defense, Gibson claimed his intention was not to blame the Jews for Christ’s death, saying, “we could all use a little more love, faith, hope, and forgiveness.” Apparently, this forgiveness extends neither to the Jews who “cause all the wars in the world,” nor the one who pulled him over with a .12 blood-alcohol level and an open bottle of cheap tequila in his cup holder.
DUI
On July 28, 2006, Mel Gibson was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol after he was clocked doing 84 in a 45 mph zone. In what will probably go down in history as the least effective attempt at talking oneself out of a traffic ticket, Gibson issued several anti-Semitic remarks, of course not before specifically asking whether the arresting officer was Jewish and finding out that yes, in fact, he was.
One thing you can say for Mel Gibson, though—he still looked pretty damn good in that mug shot. Eat your heart out, Nick Nolte.
Personal Life
Mel Gibson considers himself devoutly religious. Some consider him a Traditionalist Catholic, although it is entirely possible that the dick apple didn’t fall far from the dick tree and that Gibson shares his father’s adherence to Sedevacantism, which is kind of like the Shiite version of Christianity.
He met and married Robyn Moore in the late 1970s, though it is unclear whether or not he acquiesced to Jerry Bruckheimer’s right of primae noctis.
Mel Gibson is known for his sense of humor on the set of movies, and has a reputation for practical jokes, such as making an entire film specifically geared toward inciting hatred of an already historically persecuted ethnicity.
Oh, and supposedly he also hates gays. And chain smokes. Disgusting habit.
His marriage to Moore lasted until 2009, when, after having been separated for three years, the two filed for divorce. In a statement Gibson said: "We have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so."
It was revealed the following month that Gibson and his girlfriend were expecting their first child. It is unclear how much of his family's integrity was maintained when he was out impregnating Russian models before he got divorced, but there couldn't have been much left after Apocalypto. Interestingly, Gibson's girlfriend is the mother of another child she had with Timothy Dalton leading to speculation that Gibson is probably just living out the ultimate dude fantasy of inseminating James Bond's girlfriend, even if it was one of the shitty ones.
Toward the end of his marriage, had a bizarre explosion in the church he built where he actually got up on the altar and rebuking the congregation for gossiping about his family. He even threatened to shutdown his church, which, interestingly, was a distinguishing trait of the villains in both of his most famous movies.
Islands
An avid real estate enthusiast, Mel Gibson literally owns several islands. One of these he bought despite the protest of its inhabitants, who he immediately displaced, claiming that he wanted to return the island to its original pristine condition, so that he could build himself a several-hundred acre ranch compound on it.
