Mark Sanford
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Sanford was a leading candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination until an extra-marital affair in Argentina brought national attention to his dickishness (pun very much intended).
In addition to being a disgraced politician, Sanford is also a real estate developer and Air Force Reserve captain, which allows him to screw people out of money while wearing a bomber jacket and most likely calling them "Iceman."
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Early life
Mark Sanford's mother is named Peggy Pitts, which sounds like the name of a slutty cartoon character who drags Beetle Bailey out of the frame.
Political career
As a Congressman, Mark Sanford laid the groundwork for all the dickish endeavors he'd later gain fame for.
Upon his arrival in 1995, Sanford decided that rather than spend money on an apartment, it would be cheaper to sleep on a cot in his office. Then, he denied his staff the simple luxury of new letterhead, telling them to use the personalized stationary of the Congresswoman he replaced. These would be considered smart cost cutting moves had Sanford not been a millionaire.
Sanford's cheapness extended to his political views, as he voted against any legislation that required government spending.
Some of the bills that he voted against included:
-A bill that protected the preservation of sites linked to the Underground Railroad
-A commemorative stamp raising breast cancer awareness
-The reauthorization of the Violence Against Women act
Sanford evidently didn't see what the big deal was with slavery...or beating women...or beating women with breast cancer. It is unclear whether or not he has a stamp collection.
Governor of South Carolina
To celebrate being elected governor, Sanford skipped town (clearly foreshadowing a future trip) to join the Air Force Reserve in Alabama. While training for two weeks, he did not transfer power to lieutenant governor, and fellow Republican, Andre Bauer, as Sanford believed there should be a monopoly on being a dick.
In office, Sanford began his plan to run his state's economy into the ground. Tensions with the South Carolina General Assembly came to a head on May 26, 2004, when the Republican-led Assembly overrode 105 of Sanford's 106 budget vetoes.
Furious that they did not share his desire to ruin the lives of everyone in South Carolina, Sanford retaliated. In a visual protest against pork barrel spending, Sanford brought live pigs into the House chamber. The pigs, creatively named "Pork" and "Barrel," immediately defecated on the chamber floor, as well as on Sanford's shoes and credibility.
The following year, he brought a horse and buggy to the Statehouse, saying it symbolized the state's outdated Constitution and ways of governance. At the very least, Sanford was keeping the struggling Farm Animal Rental industry alive.
For some reason, the voters of South Carolina re-elected him for a second term. Apparently, they are unusually tolerant of dickery.
Affair
From June 18 until June 24, 2009, the whereabouts of Governor Sanford were unknown to the public, including to his wife and the State Law Enforcement Division which provides security for him, garnering nationwide news coverage. Television news tickers on every network flashed "Dick on the Loose" and "Missing Dick."
Upon his return, he confessed he had been in Argentina with his mistress, MarĂa BelĂ©n Chapur, and misled his staff to think he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Later, in interviews with The Associated Press, he called Chapur his "soul mate." It should be noted that Mark Sanford has no soul and this was clearly another lie.
Presidential bid
There is still a chance that Mark Sanford will make a run at the Republican nomination for the 2012 Presidential election. That said, according to many soothsayers and scholars of Mayan cosmology, there is still a chance that the world will end in 2012.
Hypocrisy
In 1998, Sanford voted for the Clinton impeachment following the Lewinsky scandal, declaring Clinton's behavior to be "reprehensible."
In 2000, he published his first book, aptly titled "The Trust Committed To Me."
In 2002, he voted against civil unions for gay couples because he is a "defender of marriage."
In 2008, he began having sex with someone who was not his wife.
