Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (born October 28, 1956) is the sixth and current President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, the former mayor of Tehran, an outspoken critic of the Bush administration, a zealous opponent of Israel, the apparent owner of several Members Only jackets, and a dick.
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Early Life
Born in Garmsar, near Tehran, Ahmadinejad was the son of a blacksmith, a type of job that existed when the world still used horses. In 1976, Ahmadinejad took Iran’s national university entrance exams and attended the Iran University of Science of Technology. (see also: safety school)
From 1993 to 1997, Ahmadinejad served as Governor General of Ardabil Province, one of Iran’s northernmost territories, widely considered to be “foliage country.” In 2003 he was elected Mayor of Tehran by the City Council of Tehran, at which point he began instituting some of his more conservative beliefs. His dangerous, insane beliefs would not be instituted until he became president of the country.
Presidency
In his campaign for president, Ahmadenijad took a populist approach, using the catchy slogan, “It’s possible, and we can do it,” a motto that sounds as though it were ripped off from an Iranian ad campaign for STD prevention. As President of Iran, Ahmadenijad functions as a political figurehead. Though he is not without authority, it is actually the Supreme Leader of Iran who retains direct control of the Iranian armed forces and has final word on all domestic and foreign policy, a tenuous division of power that makes for awkward moments between the two during trust falls at Iranian government morale-building retreats.
Holocaust Denial
In December, 2005, Ahmadinejad called the Holocaust a “myth” and criticized European laws against Holocaust denial. In December 2006, he organized the International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust, drawing a sold out crowd of 67 people, including such luminaries as former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke, and two lonely rabbis from the group Jews United Against Zionism.
Currently, there is no indication of how Ahmadinejad will deny the Holocaust in December 2007, but experts predict it will most likely consist of recreating the Holocaust in its entirety just to prove how much the first one didn’t happen.
Nuclear Program
Despite global opposition, Ahmadinejad maintains that Iran reserves the right to pursue a nuclear program that he insists is strictly for peaceful, energy-related purposes, such as being used to power Tehran’s planned family amusement center, AtomicLand (opening Spring 2009). The Supreme Leader himself issued a fatwa against nuclear weapons in 2005, a position the United States belives is a cover for an attempt to gain nuclear weapons. This, if true, is the diplomatic equivalent of “I had my fingers crossed the whole time.” Of course, while a egomaniacal holocaust-denier with a negative view towards the west in possession of nuclear weapons is undeniably dangerous, so is a egomaniacal ex-frat boy in possession of nuclear weapons. Just saying.
Visit to the U.S.
In a speech to Columbia University in September, 2007, as protesters gathered in protest to Iran’s attitudes towards women and their strict anti-Israel foreign policy, Ahmadinejad informed the world that Iran does not have any homosexuals, like we do in America. This opened up a wide spectrum of possible things the west simply did not know about Iran, and for which the United States owed Iran an apology. Iran is still waiting.
Reelection
In 2009, Ahmadinejad ran for re-election in one of the most closely watched international elections since the Britain's Got Talent finale. His primary opponent was Mir-Hossein Mousavi who appropriately chose green as his campaign color since it has become the official global symbol for something progressive that people will halfheartedly buy into to make them feel better about shitty, backwards things they've been doing for years. A real, hardcore progressive, Mousavi claimed he would consider talking to Barack Obama as well as think about taking a look at laws that discriminate against women. He also wanted to allow privately-owned television stations, which is noble, but suggests that he probably hasn't sat through 5 minutes of Fox News or MSNBC.
The 2009 election was just like the 2008 American Presidential Election, except instead of getting excited about the candidates being on Saturday Night Live, people just set their campaign offices on fire. Several other travesties occurred such as the attempted assassination of former President Mohammad Khatami and, even worse, someone blocked Facebook. As a result, an unprecedented number of birthdays were forgotten and Ayatollah Khamenei was unable to detag himself from some photos taken at a recent Fatwa meeting from an unflatteringly low angle.
Ahmadinejad won the election, though in the shadiest manner possible. That's when, as experts have put it, "everything went to shit." Hundreds of thousands of people protested in the streets and some were killed during skirmishes with the police. Iranian authorities also instituted media crackdowns and confiscated equipment from NBC News, something many Americans have been trying to do for years.
During the elections aftermath, Ahmadinejad used the opportunity to further demonize the west in fiery speeches. In efforts to assist the voice people, the US State Department helped to establish a stronger Twitter network in Iran, which, frankly, probably didn't really help our case all that much.
Attractiveness
Mr. Ahmadinejad is weirdly attractive.
