M. Night Shyamalan
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“Night” (a nickname that he dickishly gave to himself) burst on the American film scene with 1999’s The Sixth Sense, a movie with a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. He then burst on the dick scene by recycling that exact same formula over and over again until audiences finally caught on years later. Somewhere along the line, he also decided that his convoluted plots don’t have to make sense or hold up to outside logic.
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Early life
Manoj Shyamalan was born in Mahe, Pondicherry, India, the second child of two physicians. He shares a birthday with Ginger Spice, Soleil Moon Frye of TV’s Punky Brewster; and murdered child model, Jon Benet Ramsey.
Since being the son of two successful Indian doctors wasn’t privileged enough of an upbringing, the Shyamalans moved young Manoj to an affluent Philadelphia suburb, enrolled him in a private Catholic grammar school, and then in a private Episcopalian high school. This sheltered life, devoid of poor people, helped steer him down the road toward self-centered dickdom.
From a young age, Shyamalan was an enormous fan of Steven Spielberg. Out of all the directors in film history to worship, this choice seems most consistent with being a dick. His mother encouraged him to embrace his inner hack, and bought him a Super-8 camera with which he made 45 home movies by the time he was 17. Shyamalan has included a scene from one of these kiddie flicks on each DVD release of his features, under the dickish assumption that people want to watch a ten-year-old wearing his Dad’s hat and a fake mustache pretend to climb a mountain that is actually a basement staircase.
Early films
In 1988, Shyamalan enrolled in NYU Film School, with a major in pretentious autobiography and a minor in ripping off successful directors. To earn the required credits for his major, Shyamalan wrote and directed his first feature length film, Praying With Anger, in which he also starred as a young Indian American who returned to India. His classmates no doubt appreciated the opportunity he gave them to take a 107 minute nap.
In addition to making films about himself, Shyamalan also made up a middle name for himself. Since “M. Steve Shyamalan” and “M. Barry Shyamalan” didn’t sound cool or mysterious enough, he decided on “Night” as the perfect mixture of pompous and conceited.
Shyamalan sold the screenplay for his second film Wide Awake to Harvey Weinstein at Miramax with the dickish demands that he be allowed to direct the movie and shoot it in Philadelphia. SPOILER ALERT: the twist ending was that Miramax’s $7 million budget only earned a miniscule $288,000 at the box office.
“Night" makes a good film
Perhaps the biggest supernatural plot in Shyamalan’s career is how a dick who just lost Miramax $6.7 million managed to sell his next script to Disney for $3 million, plus another $500,000 to direct. This is like if NBC hired Magic Johnson to host the Tonight Show on the heels of The Magic Hour. Yes, it is exactly like that. Don’t think about it too hard. Like an M. “Night” Shyamalan movie, it is best not to question the logic.
Disney’s gamble paid off, as The Sixth Sense (a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by Bruce Willis as a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending) did not disappoint its investors. Despite 98 percent of the dialogue being delivered in whispers between excruciating silences, Shyamalan took his $40-million budget, and turned it into a $680 million worldwide gross. It helped that one of the whispered lines was the catchphrase "I see dead people", which was raked years later as #44 on AFI's 100 Years...100 Movies Quote List. It also ranked #3 on AFI’s Lines Your Annoying Co-Worker Quotes Way Too Often, behind “Yeah, baby!” and “Sexytime niiiiice!”
After the smash success of The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan instantly became the toast of Hollywood, like a formerly unattractive 8th grade girl who all of a sudden grew a huge rack the summer before high school. He used this newfound clout as King Dick to ensure that all his movies continue to be exclusively made in Philadelphia, home of cheesesteaks and also…more cheesesteaks.
“Night" makes two okay films
Shyamalan labored long and hard to challenge himself as an artist by making a distinctly different follow up to The Sixth Sense. The result was Unbreakable, a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by Bruce Willis as a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. As much as audiences were happy to see the overexposed Willis get into a potentially fatal train crash in the opening minutes, Unbreakable only earned a disappointing $154 million worldwide.
Realizing his mistake of being so formulaic, Shyamalan turned his filmmaking style on its ear with 2002’s Signs, a contemporary supernatural story, set near Philadelphia, driven by Mel Gibson as a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. His risk paid off, and box office receipts jumped back up to $408 million worldwide, although several critics disliked it, with one giving the crop circle tale a simple two word review: “Crap circles”.
“Night" makes several bad films
Despite a slide in the quality of his work and its reception by major film critics, Shyamalan was still an undisputed box office king, and got to do pretty much whatever he wanted. Apparently, what he wanted most was to make a series of movies that got worse and worse.
2004’s The Village answers the dickish question, “What if M. Night Shyamalan made a movie that audiences thought was a period piece with a supernatural story, set in a secluded village, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending, but that twist was that the movie was actually a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith?” Unfortunately, not many moviegoers were interested in the answer to that question, and after a $50 million marketing-fueled opening weekend, theatre attendance dropped off by a steep 67%.
2006’s Lady in the Water set a cinema record for dick moves made on a single project: 1) Shyamalan abandoned the signature style his audience has come to expect in favor filming a bedtime story he made up for his daughters. 2) Instead of finding a known actress as the lead, he cast Richie Cunningham’s daughter. 3) Making a heavy handed point, he included an asshole film critic character who gets brutally murdered. 4) He made it at Warner Bros. after Disney hated it so much, they refused to be involved. This is the company that had no problem releasing Herbie: Fully Loaded. 5) He cast himself in a pivotal role. As a visionary writer! Whose martyrdom will change the world! 6) He had somebody write a book about himself making it.
2008’s The Happening is about people running… and running… and running… from murderous plants. One of those people is Marky Mark. Another is the guy from House of Buggin’. SPOILER ALERT: Career over.
Ruining "Night's" twist endings
Now it’s our turn to be a dick: Bruce Willis is really a ghost. Bruce Willis is really a superhero. Mel Gibson’s daughter leaves water lying around because she somehow knows it hurts aliens. The secluded village is actually an experiment taking place in modern times. The lady in the water successfully gets back to the Blue World. Plants are responsible for all the people killing themselves.
