Lou Dobbs
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Like fellow dicks Larry King, Anderson Cooper, and, to a slightly lesser extent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Lou Dobbs works in mass media news, or the “anchortainment,” industry. His current show, Lou Dobbs Tonight, attracts CNN’s third-largest audience, poisoning the minds of some 800,000 viewers per night. Nonetheless, Lou Dobbs still totally sweats Wolf Blitzer’s jock.
He has also called Condoleeza Rice a “cotton picker” on national television.
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Early Life
Lou Dobbs began his tough, relentless, independent coverage of issues that matter with his birth on September 24, 1945, a birthday he shares with fellow limp-dick Raphael Palmiero and Sean McNabb, bass player for Quiet Riot (and later, Great White).
Son of a failed propane salesman, Dobbs grew up in Rupert, Idaho, making him the town’s third-most accomplished citizen, after Boyd Coddington, that yahoo from American Hot Rod, and Bill Fagerbakke, the guy who does the voice of SpongeBob’s best friend, what’s-his-name, you know, the big, pink, stupid blob.
In 1967, Dobbs graduated with a degree in economics—a seriously dickish major—from Harvard. Loosed upon the private sector, young Dobbs worked for several federal anti-poverty programs, then switched sides, entering the truly dicktastic world of wealth management.
For some reason, Dobbs decided to go into broadcasting in the mid-1970s, as an anchor and reporter for a local Phoenix affiliate, getting his start in the same city as Barry Goldwater, the Meat Puppets, and Best Western, the world’s largest and arguably chintziest hotel chain. Would it kill them to add a waffle station to the continental breakfast bar? Courtyard by Marriott seems to have no problem with that.
Career
CNN (Act I)
In 1979, Dobbs was specifically recruited by bazillionaire dilettante Ted Turner, who had taken a break from binge drinking and lusting after Jane Fonda just long enough to start a twenty-four hour cable news network. As such, Dobbs was one of the original dicks to bring the world CNN. Good luck getting rid of it now.
In addition to serving as the network’s chief economics correspondent, Lou Dobbs hosted Moneyline, some kind of show that apparently gave people the line on money. He also helped enable CNN’s metastatic spread across the cable dial, not only serving on its executive board, but also founding the offspring station CNNfn, and most likely had something to do with why they show CNN in every waiting area in every airport in America, on televisions that can’t be turned off.
Intermission
After 20 years—and 25 pounds, courtesy of greenroom cold cut platters and as many as four separate salaries from what was essentially just one job—Lou Dobbs inexplicably left CNN to start Space.com, a website devoted solely to astronomical news. This decision made many wonder just how much of a financial expert Lou Dobbs actually was. Not surprisingly, Space.com failed less than a year after it started, forcing Dobbs to return to his old dick job of reading news off a teleprompter and naming shows after himself.
CNN (Act 2)
Dobbs returned to CNN as the host of Lou Dobbs Reporting, and regained the helm of Moneyline, which became Lou Dobbs Moneyline (which then became Lou Dobbs Tonight).
Dobbs also hosts The Lou Dobbs Financial Report, a nationally syndicated radio show; Lou Dobbs Radio, three grueling hours of Dobbs discussing politics and fielding listener calls; and The Lou Dobbs Minute, which is also three hours long.
Rumor has it plans are also underway to build the Lou Dobbs Commemorative Travel Plaza on I-95, future home of the Lou Dobbs Visitor and Information Center, made possible in part by a grant from the Louis C. Dobbs Foundation.
Political Views
Though many years passed before anyone gave two dicks what Lou Dobbs thought about any issue, once he started using what was supposed to be an unbiased newscast to forward his opinions, well…turns out he’s kind of a nutjob. More specifically, Dobbs is a split political personality, often picking the lesser attractive stances of both the left and right. In fact, while Dobbs once described himself as a “lifelong Republican”—about as clear a self-admission of dicktide as it gets—he now terms himself an “Independent Populist,” whatever that is.
Dobbs’ trademark issue is immigration, which is, in many ways, the new gay marriage. He is opposed to anything even remotely resembling fair treatment for immigrants, specifically those who enter the country from Mexico. Mexicans like his wife, for instance. So outspoken a proponent of border security is he, that some critics have accused Dobbs of inciting xenophobia, especially of the anti-Hispanic variety. This is a charge he vehemently denies, aside from that one entire Lou Dobbs Tonight he devoted to what turned out to be a fabricated story about how Mexican immigrants were spreading leprosy.
Charges of racism also carry over to Dobbs’ views concerning Israeli-U.S. relations. In July 2006, Dobbs criticized U.S foreign policy as being disproportionately pro-Israel, pointing out the U.S.'s immediate recognition of Israeli independence in 1948, its generous foreign aid packages, and the absurdly high box office receipts enjoyed by Steven Spielberg’s Munich.
Trivia
Dobbs was named “Father of the Year” by the National Father’s Day Committee in 1993. The holiday has since been officially known as Lou Dobbs Father’s Day, although no one really calls it that.
In addition to being an anchortainer, Dobbs is also an “authortainer.” He has written several books, including Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit; Exporting America: Why Corporate Greed Is Shipping American Jobs Overseas; Space: The Next Business Frontier; and The Colon: How Using One in a Title Makes You Sound a Lot Smarter Than You Actually Are.
Lou Dobbs was ranked fifth in the Boston Phoenix’s list of “100 Unsexiest Men in the World.” Interestingly enough, three of the remaining top four spaces were also CNN correspondents. The fourth was Bill O’Reilly.
Horse Farm
Just like the average middle class person he claims to fight for, Dobbs lives on a 300-acre horse farm…
New Jersey
…in Sussex, New Jersey, one of the nation’s 100 wealthiest counties.
