Leon Panetta
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On January 5, 2009, Barack Obama nominated Panetta as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. While there is little wrong with Panetta as a person, there is something massively dickish about his complete lack of qualifications for this all-important job. Obama reportedly selected Panetta for his managerial skills, bipartisan standing, and budget experience, all of which should come in pretty handy when searching through desert caves to hunt down al-Qaeda leaders.
There has been mixed reaction to Panetta’s appointment, even by members of his own party. Sen. Dianne Feinstein disapproved, saying “the agency is best served by having an intelligence professional in charge.” However Sen. Ron Wyden called Mr. Panetta a “strong choice” who “has the skills to usher in a new era of accountability.” Although it is quite possible Wyden might have meant “usher in a new era of accounting,” meaning that Panetta will buy Quicken software to keep track of the water boarding budget or require CIA operatives to turn in receipts after bribing Afghani warlords.
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Early Life and Irrelevent Education
Leon Panetta was born in Monterey, California, on June 28, 1938, which would make him the oldest CIA director in history. That’s right, the head of our nation’s premiere intelligence agency is old enough to remember when passersby used to gather around department store windows to watch Uncle Miltie dress in drag on Buick-sized televisions. It is also likely that he needs to use one of those [1]cell phones with the huge buttons.
Panetta first became involved in politics as a student at Monterey High School where he was Student Body Vice President as a junior and Student Body President as a senior. So if al-Qaeda ever steals our mascot before the big Homecoming game, rest assured that Panetta has the experience to get it back in time for the pep rally.
In 1960, Panetta graduated magna cum laude from Santa Clara University with a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science. In 1963, he graduated from SCU Law School. And in 1964 he joined the Army as a Second Lieutenant, eventually rising up the ranks to become a First Lieutenant. None of these accomplishments have anything to do with running an international intelligence agency.
Unrelated Republican Experience
In 1966, Panetta began his political career as a legislative assistant to Senate Minority Whip Thomas Kuchel. If “whip” referred to that thing that happens to detainees at Guantanamo Bay this might be relevant experience, however in this case it merely means the second highest-ranking individual in the Senate’s minority party.
In 1969, Panetta parlayed an assistant position in the Nixon administrations’ Department of Health, Education, and Welfare into a gig as Director of the Office for Civil Rights. However, once he realized that Nixon expected him to stop enforcing the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts to appease Southern delegates, Panetta resigned and left Washington. You might be thinking, “that’s a good and noble thing, right?” Yes, it is, but please tell us what that has to do with making sure terrorists don’t smuggle dirty nukes into Grand Central Station inside suitcases.
Panetta later wrote about this experience in his 1971 book, “Bring Us Together: The Nixon Team and the Civil Rights Retreat.” While there isn’t a single chapter about international surveillance to be found, one could make the case that anybody who was part of the Nixon administration likely has some wiretapping experience. Point, Panetta!
Unrelated Democratic Experience
After practicing law in Monterey for a couple years, Panetta reentered politics, switching to the Democratic Party because he thought it was a better career opportunity. That’s kind of dicky, but not really that bad for a politician.
Elected to the House of Representatives for nine straight terms, Panetta served on several committees including the Budget Committee, the Task Force on Domestic Hunger, the Caucus of Vietnam-Era Veterans in Congress, the President's Commission on Foreign Language and International Studies, and the Agriculture Committee's Subcommittee on Domestic Marketing, Consumer Relations, and Nutrition. We’re assuming you stopped reading half way through that list.
While in congress, Panetta also fought to prevent oil drilling off the California coast and was a major factor in establishing the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary. In other words, he made us more dependant on foreign oil from the Middle East.
Panetta left the House in 1993 after President Clinton selected him to be Director of… some intelligence agency? Nope. Some special terrorist task force? No sir. A History Channel documentary on Osama Bin Laden? Wrong again. Just the boring old United States Office of Management and Budget. Following that, Panetta was appointed Clinton’s White House Chief of Staff. While this might sound impressive, remember that the Clinton administration is 100% to blame for the national security failures of 9/11. Just ask any member of the Bush administration.
Awards Received for Other Things
Panetta has received several awards over his distinguished career and, of course, none of them have anything to do with running an intelligence agency. However, we’ve taken the liberty of stretching to find even the slightest connection.
1969 — Abraham Lincoln Award, National Education Association
• There wasn’t a single terrorist attack on the U.S. during the Lincoln presidency.
1988 — Golden Plow Award, American Farm Bureau Federation
• What better sign that Panetta will protect the nation’s food supply?
1991 — President's Award, American Council on the Teaching of Foreign Languages
• Terrorists speak in a foreign language. Next.
1991 — Coastal and Ocean Management Award, Coastal Zone Foundation
• America is most vulnerable to attack on the coasts, and Panetta sure as heck manages them well.
1997 — Special Achievement Award for Public Service, National Italian American Foundation
• This is kinda sorta foreign policy experience, right?
2003 — Julius A. Stratton "Champion of the Coast" Award for Coastal Leadership
• Not only does Panetta manage the vulnerable coasts, he’s a champion of them!
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