Kim Jong-il
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North Korean citizens also refer to him as “Dear Leader,” presumably because of his popular weekly syndicated advice column.
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Childhood and Education
According to official biographers, Kim Jong-il was either born on February 16, 1942 high on a mountaintop, heralded by a talking swallow, a double rainbow, and a new star shining in the heavens. Some people say he was simply born a year earlier in the small village where his parents lived, but some people have no imagination.
In both stories, Kim’s father is Kim Il-sung, North Korea’s founder, “Eternal President,” and “Original Party Animal.” The elder Kim would eventually hand over his well-tended autocracy to the younger, making them one of the most successful father-son oligarchies in history, second only to U.S. poultry magnates Frank and Jim Perdue, of Oven-Stuffer-Roaster™ fame.
In addition to classic Napoleon complex, Kim Jong-il also seems to suffer from Only Child syndrome, though he did once have a younger brother, who “accidentally drowned” in 1948. His mother died “in childbirth.” In this way, Kim is eerily reminiscent of the Macaulay Culkin character in the early Elijah Wood vehicle The Good Son. You should add it to your Netflix.
After either attending several drab North Korean public schools during a period of heavy bombing by the U.S. Air Force, or being safely socked away with inner-ranking Party members in China (but again, who are you going to believe?), Kim Jong-il graduated from Kim Il Sung University in 1964. This of course begs the question: How many buildings did his father have to give the university for it to bear his name? (Answer: all of them.)
Early Political Career
His father’s stranglehold on North Korea allowed Kim Jong-il the space and time necessary to really nurture his megalomania. As such, Kim wet his dick-beak in a variety of dick pursuits: teaching propaganda, writing crackpot economic screeds, exposing/imprisoning/exiling agitators, holding massive birthday celebrations for himself, and rigidly cracking down on the media and fine arts.
In fact, Kim Jong-il is in many ways responsible for the development of North Korean cinema. Like any major studio executive, Kim kidnapped South Korean director Shin Sang-ok, who he then forced to begin adapting his father’s writings into film—popcorn flicks, mostly. By the 1970s, Kim was terrorizing people into producing them as operas. You haven’t really experienced 10 Point Programme for the Great Unity of the Whole Nation for the Reunification of the Country until you’ve heard it in full eight-part harmony.
Throughout the 1980s and early 1990s, Kim was given continually higher positions, more than several of which were created just for him. By 1992, he was in charge of all internal affairs, including, according to some reports, decisions about even the most minor details, such as the size of houses for party secretaries and what type of gift baskets to give them for housewarming. Not for nothing is Kim known as a control freak.
Ruler of North Korea
Kim Jong-il assumed full power over North Korea in 1994, when his father died suddenly, of a “heart attack.” Interestingly enough, Kim Il-sung, despite being dead for nearly 15 years, is still technically president. In fact, he always will be. Out of deference to his memory, Kim Jong-il holds a different title, if by “deference to his memory” you mean a desire not to be bound by the constitution in even the most remote way.
Kim’s tenure as head of state has been marked predominately by amassing the fifth-largest standing army on earth at the expense of a famine-plagued citizenry; maintaining ridiculous and dangerous animosity with South Korea; and developing secret, then not-so-secret chemical and nuclear weapons programs. It has also been suggested that he presides over state-sponsored drug smuggling, money laundering, and counterfeiting rings, in addition to allegations that he ordered several terrorist bombings—including Korean Air Flight 858—which may or may not be true.
Of course, no good brutal, authoritarian reign would be complete without human rights violations. Kim Jong-il’s is no exception. Not only does he operate nearly 20 known concentration camps for political dissenters—where, supposedly, he tests the aforementioned chemical weapons on prisoners—he has also been accused of rounding up and killing people with physical disabilities. Say what you will, but the man truly does it all.
U.S. President George W. Bush famously labeled North Korea part of the “Axis of Evil” in his 2002 State of the Union address: a wise diplomatic move, insulting a nutjob with long-range missiles and an itchy trigger finger.
Personal Life
Many discrepancies exist about Kim Jong-il’s life, mostly because of his long-standing use of the media to create an unquestioningly heroic public image of himself. Also, he’s just a hard man to get to know.
Kim’s official biography was written by an unknown state editorial board. It contains no official information about Kim Jong-il’s marital history. So…he's most likely gay.
Kim Jong-il’s hobbies include: wearing Elvis glasses, public executions, luxury cars, forcibly relocating millions of city-dwellers to the countryside to perform farm labor, and maintaining the world’s worst haircut.
He is also a self-admitted film buff. Reportedly, his favorites include slasher flicks, Rambo, James Bond movies, Hong Kong action cinema, and “anything with Elizabeth Taylor.” Again…gay.
Defectors claim that Kim maintains no fewer than 17 palaces, residencies, and private resorts, to which he airlifts fresh lobster, caviar, and sushi every day. By comparison, the average North Korean citizen earns $900 annually.
Cognac
With reported annual purchases topping $700,000, Kim Jong-il is the single largest consumer of Hennessy cognac worldwide. And only really big dicks drink cognac. Therefore, by the law of syllogism, Kim Jong-il is the biggest dick on earth. Go ahead, prove us wrong.
