Karl Rove
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Rove is considered a part of the holy trinity of dicks (himself, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush), though the true extent of his role in the ruining of the United States will most likely forever be obscured by "executive privilege," which is a time-honored technique of avoiding culpability for anything while "protecting America."
Rove is only 57 years old. One can expect that this will leave Rove plenty of years to continue his life's work of undoing everything the founding fathers did to prevent people like him from existing in the first place.
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Early life
Rove was created in Denver, CO by a gift shop manager mother and a geologist father, the last person in the Rove family to demonstrate the possession of any stones. He was born on Christmas day, making him the most well-known piece of coal in the history of America's stocking. In high school, Rove excelled in debate and often carried a briefcase, placing him below even the yearbook editor and the treasurer of the model UN team in the high school hierarchy.
Though Rove undoubtedly spent many hours arguing with his European history teacher instead of learning how to talk to women, he found time for student government, the perfect outlet for people who want to feel very important without actually doing anything of value.
Other highlights of his youth included working for Senator/Mormon Wallace Bennett and the time his adopted father divorced his mother to pursue a life as a not-closeted homosexual. That may pretty much explain everything else you are about to read.
College (if you can call it that)
Rove left home to attend University of Utah, where he took the necessary first step on the path to full dickitude and joined a fraternity. That same year, Rove also became a Utah Republican Party intern. It is not known for which organization the hazing is more homoerotic.
After only two years, Rove dropped out of college and became executive director of the National College Republican organization, a surprising choice for a man who had, to repeat, just dropped out of college. While campaigning for chairmanship of the group, Rove disrupted the College Republicans summer convention so badly that, at its conclusion, no one was even sure who had won and Rove would claim victory even though he had not received the most votes. Rove would revisit those themes in at least one future presidential election.
With the National College Republicans chairmanship still undetermined, the Washington Post published an article claiming that Rove had advised College Republicans to go through opponents' garbage as a legitimate political tool. Normally, this would disqualify someone running for an elected position, but this is Karl Rove we’re talking about. And the Republican National Committee chairman at the time was George H.W. Bush. Rove was appointed College Republican chairman. In fact, H.W. was so impressed with Rove that he made him one of his special assistants.
It was during this period that Rove met George W. Bush, whom he admired and respected. Rove described him once as having "charisma, swagger, cowboy boots, flight jacket, wonderful smile, just charisma - you know, wow." It was clear that Rove immediately knew he wanted to one day have dirty sex with lead the nation with him.
Notably, Rove would never actually complete his degree. Many years later, when people would make jokes about George W. Bush, saying, "See, even a C student can become the most powerful man in the world," they would not realize that you can actually manipulate the most powerful man in the world without even being a college graduate.
Politics
Rove recognized that his talent for manipulating the truth and complete lack of morality were best suited for a career in politics, yet he also realized that he did not exactly have, shall we say, the face for public office. So he began a career as a political aide and consultant.
For most of this initial career, Rove was primarily involved in sending out direct-mail campaign materials. Not being content to simply annoy people with junk mail, Rove began taking larger and larger roles in the ruining of America elections of many "key" republicans from Texas.
Initially, Rove worked on failed congressional and presidential campaigns for George W. Bush and George H. W. Bush respectively. Soon after, Rove began to actually work with successful candidates as well as quote Napoleon, making him, presumably, a self-aware dick.
Among those successful candidates were former losers George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush, with whom Rove discovered exciting new tactics like campaign leaks and racist push polls.
Rove in the White House
Following the election of 2000, Rove was hired by George W. Bush to head up the newly invented White House Office of Strategic Initiatives a department solely concerned with serving the political interests of the president and his party. Like the team of rivals. But the opposite. Coincidentally, the DailyKos was founded shortly after Rove and his department came to prominence, making Rove the person to blame for both whiney conservatism and hysterical liberalism.
WHIG
Rove was one of the initial members of WHIG, the White House Iraq Group. This is not to be confused with the Whig party which, in stark contrast to Rove, believed in the superiority of the legislative branch over the executive and had both of its presidential candidates die in office (a dissimilarity that some modern observers might find unfortunate). Along with Condoleezza Rice and a number of other Bush administration officials, Rove formed WHIG to help develop the best propaganda communication strategy to build public support for a war against Iraq after realizing it would require the greatest neo-conservative minds in America to pull off something so illogical. Their efforts succeeded magnificently/failed horribly.
Scandals
On several occasions, Rove has found himself at the center of a publicized scandal, though it should be noted that this has happened far fewer times than one would expect from a person with such dubious morals contempt for even a semblance of ethical behavior at the expense of political capital.
Rove was, more than once, caught having policy meetings with the heads of corporations he owned stock in. These allegations are questionable, however, as they are generally insignificant considering Rove's overall body of work. This would be similar to prosecuting Slobodan Milosevic for writing bad checks.
Additionally, Rove had his hand in every major scandal over the 7 years he worked in the White House.
Having lost out the opportunity to be the primary source for the Valerie Plame leak, Rove had to settle for later confirming classified information. Rove was held in contempt of Congress for failing to testify over the firing of U.S. attorneys. In both cases, Rove was involved enough to commit a crime, but his involvement was convoluted enough for no one to care. This should come as no surprise considering those circumstances defined eight years of policy in the executive branch.
While in the White House, Rove avoided using the official government e-mail servers to send correspondence. This is the first time a skill set invented by porn-aficionados with desk jobs was used to avoid federal indictment.
Resignation
Rove resigned from the White House in the fall of 2007, though his resignation came voluntarily and not in the shadow of any major federal indictments as many had originally expected. Rove stated he was departing for the "sake of his family," however it should be noted that by "sake of his family" he did not mean that he needed to spend more time with them, but rather that it was financially more beneficial for them if he departed while he could still write a relevant memoir instead of sticking around the sinking ship of the Bush administration.
Post-Bushian Rove
After working at the White House, Rove was offered and accepted numerous contributing political analysis roles in the media to help fill the time between the congressional subpoenas he was ignoring. It is not known whether the viewing public will enjoy studying this "brain" or merely count the minutes until it is over so they can wash their hands and get the foul smell out.
Trivia
- He is also known by the alias MC Rove based on this video. Music historians have said that, after watching this video, Grandmaster Flash declared that he wished he had a time machine to go back to the Bronx and kill his friends before they could invent rap music.
- Rove is apparently an atheist, which is exactly what Satan would say.
