Jon and Kate Gosselin
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Jon
Jonathan Keith Gosselin (born April 1, 1977) is a walking oxymoron: a reality TV “star,” a guy who’s had repeated hair transplants yet still somehow bald, dickless but still a dick.
Early life
Jon Gosselin began begging to become famous only to turn around and complain about life in the public eye from his birth on April 1, 1977, a birthday he shares with Sam Alito, Method Man, and the guy who produced Space Chimps, April fools all of them (yes, even Method, though he’d probably be the only one to admit it).
Born and raised in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, a town whose other claim to fame is as the site of Berks County’s only Old Navy, Jon Gosselin currently makes his home in Wernersville, a town whose Asian population literally quadrupled when he and his family moved there. And he’s only half Asian; his eight kids are only one-quarter. That’s some tricky math.
Father
The father of one of 13 sets of sextuplets in the United States, you can bet Jon wishes he’d gotten that vasectomy after all.
Waxer
Jon Gosselin is the kind of dick who waxes his pubes, either into a tidy little patch, sometimes referred to as a “manding strip,” or all the way down to prepubescent hairlessness, also known as the “Brozilian.” Either way, sick.
Hot for teacher
In late spring 2009, rumors began to swirl that the infamously p-whipped Jon Gosselin was cheating on his wife after being caught by photographers out on the town with Deanna Hummel, an elementary school teacher ten years his junior. Of course, Jon maintains his innocence. Sure. Lots of married fathers of eight are out partying at 2 in the morning. With 23-year-old skanks. Not wearing their wedding rings.
In a way, you’d almost have more respect for Jon if he really was cheating. Come on, a bald, thirty-something, assholish soccer dad with eight kids and a totally psycho wife scoring a young hottie like that? Pretty impressive. Hate the game, not the playa.
Hobbies
Like many dicks, Jon Gosselin enjoys snowboarding. And wearing golf shirts even though he blatantly doesn’t play golf.
Kate
Katie “Kate” Irene Gosselin, nee Kreider (born March 28, 1975) is a weepy, whiny, neurotic, ball-crushing wife and mother, who, having birthed eight children less than four years apart, sports a serious clown car between her fallopian tubes. In addition to being a dick, Kate is also a TV personality and best-selling author, despite having done nothing more remarkable than spreading her legs and allowing an OB/GYN to squirt some frozen sperm up her ({}).
Early life
Kate Gosselin began gestating litters from her birth on March 28, 1975, a birthday she shares with Henry Paulson Jr., Vince Vaughn, and the woman who wrote The Devil Wears Prada. Like her husband, she is a natural born dick from Pennsylvania, or native “Dicksylvanian.”
Womb with a view
Initially unable to conceive due to an ovary disorder, Kate Gosselin’s uterus, however, proved to be as hospitable to life as the Amazon Rainforest (and every bit as susceptible to logging). Kate give birth to twins in 2000, then six more babies in 2004, all by Caesarian section, much to Jon’s delight, you’d have to imagine.
Parlaying her kids into a TV show, and her TV show into a best-selling book, Kate Gosselin “co-wrote” Multiple Bles8ings: Surviving to Thriving with Twins and Sextuplets with Jon, although it seems she’s the only one who gets to go out and promote it. Kate released her second book, Eight Little Faces, as well as a cookbook, in April 2009, way too coincidentally right around the time she and Jon started appearing on the cover of every celebrity rag in America.
Even though Kate claims to hate all the media attention, she does not seem to hate the couture clothing, laser teeth-whitening, tummy tucks, and the stable of nannies, body guards, and personal assistants that come along with it.
Hobbies
Kate Gosselin’s hobbies include berating her husband in front of a national audience, getting divorced in the most public and painful way imaginable, and ovulating.
Jon & Kate
Jon and Kate began turning their family into a business from their marriage on June 12, 1999, five years to the day before a three-pound meteorite struck a house in Ellerslie, New Zealand. Coincidence? Yeah, probably, actually.
In addition to a set of fraternal twin girls, Cara and Maddie, Jon and Kate are the parents of sextuplets, three boys and three girls: Greg, Peter, Bobby, Marcia, Jan, and Cindy, none of whom have hair of gold, like their mother. Actually, their mother doesn’t really have hair of gold either, at least not genetically. You might say her curtains don’t match her carpet, but some reason, just like her husband, you get the sense that there’s little more than a throw rug down there now, if anything at all.
The sextuplets were born on May 10, 2004, at the Milton S. Hershey Center, in Hershey Pennsylvania. As such, they came to be known as the “Hershey Kisses,” which, though embarrassing, is a hell of a lot better than the “Hershey Squirts,” as their nickname easily could have been.
Together, Jon and Kate Gosselin have the worst collective hairstyles of any couple since Kid N’ Play. Despite the plugs, Jon still somehow manages to sport a nasty meat yarmulke in back, while Kate’s can best be described as a forward-facing Flock of Seagulls.
Jon & Kate Plus 8
Jon and Kate got their first taste of just how much it was possible to mooch off a reality series after NBC renovated their house on the show Home Delivery. This led to two hour-long specials and a weekly series, originally shown on Discovery Health. That is, until everyone noticed how unhealthy it was to raise two toddlers and six babies on national television.
In 2007, Jon & Kate Plus 8, as the show is called, began airing on The Learning Channel, a network whose programming has become decreasingly learned over the years, seeming to focus its programming primarily on some combination of multiple births, medical curiosities, and/or dwarves.
Jon & Kate is currently one of the highest rated programs on TLC, which isn’t as impressive as it sounds, considering the runners-up include a show about a guy who bakes cakes and a special about a Romanian woman with a 100-pound tumor on her back.
In the wake of Jon’s alleged affair and speculation about the couple’s separation, a record 9.8 million people watched the 2009 season premiere. The next day, TLC announced it had ordered a full 40-episode season, thereby insuring that America will tire of Jon & Kate that much sooner. This inevitable fatigue is perhaps the only hope for any of “the 8” to grow up to be even remotely normal adults.
