Joe Biden
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Born and raised in Scranton, Pennsylvania, a town otherwise famous for its repeated mocking, Biden relocated to the similarly ridiculed state of Delaware. There, he became the fifth-youngest senator in U.S. history, though even back then he was still succumbing to male pattern baldness and gum rot. He has served on and chaired the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Foreign Relations Committee, working on resolutions concerning the Yugoslav and Iraq wars, both of which, nonetheless, remain unresolved.
Biden failed to gain the Democratic Party’s nomination in 1988, when it came out that he was a serial plagiarizer, and then again in 2008, a race in which he never stood a chance. Silver lining: he did manage to beat Dennis Kucinich, and it would have been really embarrassing to have finished behind Dennis Kucinich.
On August 23, 2008, the Barack Obama campaign announced that Biden would be Obama’s running mate for the 2008 Presidential election. He spent the following 24 hours in a Rogaine-induced haze.
Don’t be surprised if it turns out that Hillary Clinton let the air out of his tires and/or keyed his car in the parking lot outside Invesco Field.
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Early life and family
Joe Biden began choosing unfortunate ways to publicly describe minorities from his birth on November 20, 1942, a birthday he shares with one of the Smothers Brothers, Bo Derek, and that guy from Cyprus Hill. The one with the floppy hat, bloodshot eyes, and really bad cotton mouth. No, the other one. No, the other one.
Biden came from modest beginnings. The oldest of four children, he was the son of a housewife and a car salesman, and attended college on scholarship, two facts you can bet he will continue to mention again and again and again in every speech and debate he gives until Election Day 2008. In 1965, Biden graduated with a double dick major in history and political science from University of Delaware. Biden then went on to earn his law degree from Syracuse University Law School. Bet you thought it was going to be Harvard, right? Nope. Syracuse.
Biden’s two sons, Joseph R. “Beau” Biden III and Robert Hunter Biden, are both lawyers. Beau currently serves as the dick Attorney General—or, “Attorney Genital”—of Delaware. Interestingly enough, should Joe Biden win the Vice Presidency, many believe Beau Biden will be appointed to fill his Senate seat. The situation is complicated, however, as Beau is also a captain in the Army National Guard, and slated for deployment to Iraq in October 2008. Should this actually wind up being the case, it is sure to generate a ton of national media attention, especially because nepotism and military service in Iraq are supposed to be the sole provenance of the Republicans.
Joe Biden loves Delaware so much he commutes an hour and a half each day by train to and from Washington, DC. It is unknown how he passes that time, though it can be assumed that, like all train commuters, he plays sudoku and drinks tall-boy cans of Bud “concealed” in a brown paper bag.
United States Senator
Joe Biden was first elected to the U.S. Senate in 1972. In 1974, then a freshman senator, he was named one of Time magazine’s “200 Faces for the Future.” He was not, nor will he ever will be, one of People’s “100 Sexiest Men.”
Since then, Biden has handily won five additional terms, and now claims the distinction of longest-serving U.S. senator in history… of Delaware. He is also one of the least wealthy members of Senate, though that will change once he receives the advance for the book deal he’s guaranteed to get, win or lose.
As a long-time member and chairman of the Judiciary Committee, not only did Joe Biden preside over the hearings that eventually confirmed superdick Clarence Thomas. He has also written narcotics laws to stop the spread of ecstasy, “Special-K,” and Rohypnol, without which many Americans would stop listening to Moby. Actually, maybe that’s a good thing.
Biden also serves as current chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Foreign Relations. As such, he staunchly advocates splitting Iraq into three separate divisions, and then instituting a “Wild Card,” thereby generating larger TV audiences by featuring more pennant races.
Presidential campaigns
Joe Biden ran for the Democratic nomination for President in 1988, and then again in 2008, to commemorate the 20th anniversary of his serious thrashing at the hands of Mike Dukakis. He did not run in 2004, but urged John McCain to run with John Kerry, back when John McCain was still likeable.
Fresh, clean and articulate
Joe Biden is especially known for speaking his mind, which is a nice way of saying “talking shit.”
In July 2006, speaking to a group of Indian-Americans (as opposed to American Indians), Biden summed up his respect for the ethnicity by stating: “You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” This especially pissed off Pakistani-Americans, who in reality own/operate just as many convenience stores as Indians.
Six months later, Biden drew criticism for his evaluation of then-political rival Barack Obama, whom he actually had the unmitigated gall to call “articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy.” Sounds offensive, sort of, but hey, if someone said that about us, we’d take it.
Vice presidential campaign
After going on the record saying “I’m not the guy,” Joe Biden, did in fact, turn out to be the guy. He then laser-whitened his dental implants to within a hair’s breadth of his maxillary arch.
Going into the general election, many expected that Biden's campaign would be notable for its numerous public gaffes, misstatements, and "jokes," but, instead, the most notable thing that the average observer could point out about it was that he was present at Sarah Palin's debate and Barack Obama's victory speech.
It was that kind of a year when no one can remember Joe Biden saying anything at all during a Presidential campaign.
