Joaquin Phoenix
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Phoenix is, as theorists indicate, the specific breed of celebri-dick or dick-lebrity that complains about all the compromises, suffering, and public scrutiny they must endure while simultaneously earning five million dollars a movie. He is also a vegan since he was an infant, which speaks for itself.
Contents |
Early life
Phoenix was born in San Juan yet is not ethnically Hispanic, which explains the complete absence of many delightful Puerto Rican stereotypes such as talkativeness, natural rhythm, and having at least a mild tan.
The Phoenixes traveled Latin America, for many years of Joaquin's youth, as members of a peace loving cult religious organization known as the Children of God. This particular cult religious organization was simply your run-of-the-mill Christian group who believes that Jesus Christ has keys that open a giant spaceship and that can be turned into a sword to fight demons. Interestingly, the beliefs of the organization to which Phoenix then belonged are actually far more interesting than the plot of every M. Night Shyamalan movie he would later star in.
After deciding that sword-fighting demons with magical keys was a little more progressive than necessary even for a family with children named after items in an almanac, the Phoenixes departed the cult religious organization for southern California. One wonders how things might have turned had they all been Episcopalian or something.
Rather than going to school and getting jobs, Summer, River, Rain, Liberty, and Joaquin did what any children of parents who had just fled a hippie cult and had no concept of American labor economics would do: performed on the street for money. At this point, Joaquin had yet to establish himself as a dick, but was instead part of a five-child tandem of dicks. Feeling inadequate in this pentadick, Joaquin began going by a new stage name, 'Leaf' (the names 'Mulch,' 'Canal,' and 'Wintry-mix Phoenix' all being unavailable in the actor's guild).
Fortunately for the Phoenixes (unlike most hippie children performing on the street to pay for their parent's dreamcatcher-related expenses) a child talent agent discovered the children and found them legitimate work. Unfortunately for the rest of us, it appears this particular agent had a knack for "discovering" children who would grow into irritating adults as her client list includes Kirsten Dunst, Tori Spelling, and the Olsen Twins.
Some of his early work as an actor includes Backwards: The Riddle of Dyslexia, a Leave it to Beaver sequel Still the Beaver, an episode of Murder She Wrote, and other roles befitting the legend of American cinema he would later regard himself.
Adult career
After disappearing from the spotlight for a number of years following the death of his brother, River, Joaquin was "reluctant" and had to be "convinced" by friends to return to Hollywood and become a movie star and international celebrity/millionaire. It is unknown whether it was this same pressuring group of peers or another group of goons that also had to forcefully persuade him to date Liv Tyler, tortuous on his tender soul as many agree it must have been.
Over the next few years, Phoenix would play a diverse array of roles including an annoying teenager (To Die For), an annoying boyfriend (U-Turn), an annoying French guy (Quills), and an annoying supporting character nobody saw (The Yards),
In 2000, he earned an academy award nomination portraying Emperor Commodus in Gladiator, his most notable and palest role to that date.
Soon, Phoenix's career changed directions from performing as a series of very unlikeable characters to performing in a series of very unlikeable movies, an endeavor at which he was equally successful.
In 2002, Phoneix joined the cast of M. Night Shyalaman's Signs, which genre film theorists have classified as a special achievement in the assemblage of creative talent that could not be more full of itself.
In 2005, Joaquin managed to book a movie that was actually even more popular than Ladder 49: the Johnny Cash biopic, Walk the Line. Phoenix would be nominated for numerous awards including a win for a Best Actor Golden Globe, though it was of the "in a musical or comedy" variety, meaning that instead of joining Gregory Peck and Sidney Poitier, his list of former winners include Robin Williams' masterful turn in Mrs. Doubtfire and Paul Hogan's devastating portrayal of the titular Crocodile Dundee.
Having reached such prestige, Phoenix did what many actors do when reaching such Mrs.Doubtfire-ian heights: retired from acting and grew a beard that would nauseate even his hippie-missionary parents.
Music career
With a Grammy award for the 'Walk the Line soundtrack, Joaquin announced he would make the natural next-step transition from country-music impersonation movie soundtrack singer to unfortunate white person rapper.
He is now one of only a few entertainers who could be said to be simultaneously peers with Paul Hogan as well as Canadian dancehall sensation Snow.
A behind-the-scenes non-fiction film is currently being shot about Joaquin's musical effort. It is still unclear if this dickumentary will see a wide release and whether anyone besides Summer, Rain, and Liberty Phoenix will give a shit.
In February 2009, Phoenix appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman and gave a mostly unresponsive interview that some have likened to comedian Andy Kaufman. Historians note that if Phoenix were attempting the brilliant, subversive performance art of Kaufman, there are probably more effective places to start than simply being rude to David Letterman.
In regards to questions about whether or not his hip-hop work was a hoax, he responded: " This is not a joke. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention," which proves not that it is not a hoax, but instead only that he is the kind of elitist dick who begins sentences with the word "might."
Trivia
- In 2006, Phoenix was in a terrible car accident and was assisted by a random stranger. Interestingly, because this is Joaquin Phoenix and his life is pretty much an indie movie directed by the Film department at Bard College, it turned out that the stranger was actually Werner Herzog. It is unknown whether this stranger will produce a documentary about the car accident featuring a rambling self-narrator with a German accent, but, unlike the documentary he is filming now about being a rapper, someone might actually pay to see that.
- Rose McGowan also was also in the Children of God during her youth. It is not known what divergence of paths led Joaquin to international acclaim and McGowan to the cast of 'Monkeybone, but it is expected that, in the end, all will be judged equally as they board the giant, flaming spaceship-sword of Jesus.
- Phoenix has reportedly been a vegan since the age of three, meaning that, nearly since birth, he has had to be the asshole every time someone wanted to go out to dinner at a regular restaurant.
