Jimmy Fallon
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Much like fellow dick, President George W. Bush, Fallon has somehow failed upward his entire career. In a matter of years, he went from generic-guitar-playing-stand-up-comic to SNL-cast-member-who-laughs-at-his-own-jokes, to Weekend-Update-co-host-with-strategically-mussed-hair. He then defied all Hollywood odds by continuing to book movie roles despite a lack of any discernible talent and a track record of making films that people actively avoid seeing. Failing onward and upward, he has now been named as the suck-sessor to Conan O’Brien on NBC’s Late Night program. If this pattern continues, it is only a matter of time before Fallon is doing a sub-par job hosting the Oscars.
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Early life
Jimmy Fallon was born on September 19, 1974 in the vast dick fields of Brooklyn, New York. Raised upstate in Saugerties, Fallon and his sister, would often reenact the "clean parts" (which is to say the “least funny parts”) of Saturday Night Live that their parents had taped for them. This early exposure to only the unfunny portions of SNL can be credited with nurturing Fallon’s savant-like ability to appear exclusively in the unfunny portions of the show years later as a cast member.
College and early career
In 1992, Fallon chose the dickish major of Computer Science at the prestigious College of Saint Rose in Albany, which nobody has ever heard of and boasts a long list of alumni nobody has ever heard of either. Fallon was still a big fan of SNL and made a weekly event out of watching it in his dorm. It is not known if he watched the entire live broadcast or was still receiving edited versions from his parents in the mail. Either way, the behavior exactly matched the classic dick archetype of the Guy Who Makes Everyone Watch SNL in His Dorm Common Room. This could also be considered the first character work of young Fallon’s career.
After dropping out of college just 15 credits shy of a degree, Fallon moved to Los Angeles to begin his career in “comedy.” He soon began studying at the famous Groundlings Theater, a well-known pipeline to SNL and therefore a dick Mecca for actors obsessed with getting on the show yet only marginally interested in actually honing their talents. Fallon also performed stand-up comedy at renowned dick hangout, The Improv, best known for its $40 cover charge to see the likes of Jamie Kennedy and Bill Bellamy, and its required minimum purchase of two $12 drinks named after a 1980’s comic with a 1990’s sitcom (i.e., Tim Allen-tini, Paul Reisrum-and-Coke).
Ruining Saturday Night Live
In 1998, Fallon auditioned for Lorne Michaels, legendary dick producer of Saturday Night Live. With his lifelong dream riding on this one performance, it is likely that Fallon spent over an hour styling his hair in a mirror, trying to make it look like he just woke up. Sporting his signature hairdo, he performed impressions of Jerry Seinfeld, John Travolta, Chris Rock, Gilbert Gottfried, Kelsey Grammar, and Adam Sandler, as well as musical impersonations of Pearl Jam, The Counting Crows, Alanis Morissette, and The Cure. The entire audition tape is currently run on a loop to break down suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay detainment camps.
Fallon began on Saturday Night Live as a featured player during the 1998-1999 season, a SNL right of passage where new cast members exclusively play waiters, bartenders, or straight men who verbalize the joke of a given sketch with lines like “Jeez, Frank. Every time you bend over to tie your shoes, you end up farting on my grandmother,” (from the popular 1998 SNL routine, “Farting Shoelace Tier Man”).
He was promoted to full cast member for the 1999-2000 season, creating a long list of characters nobody actually remembers, such as Kip Bloder, The Leather Man, Patrick Fitzwilliam, MC Rodney "The Zipper" Calzoun, Randy Goldman, and Señor Guadalupe Ramirez. He also created a list of characters everybody wishes they could forget, including obnoxious radio DJ Joey Mack, obnoxious IT tech Nick Burns, and obnoxious Weekend Update co-anchor Jimmy Fallon.
The biggest mark Fallon left on SNL during his six year assault on humor was his revival of the Carol Burnet Show’s classic dick tradition where an actor breaks character during a sketch to laugh at how funny they think they are. Some regarded this as “cute” and “boyish,” while others who were not 13-year-old girls regarded it as “unprofessional” and “arrogant.”
Ruining movies
After achieving his childhood dream of ruining his favorite show, Fallon quit SNL in 2004 to ruin feature films. This was accomplished swiftly, and after three bombs in three years (Taxi, Fever Pitch, and something called Doogal) he was sent to movie jail’s maximum security wing, escaping to play a bit part in Factory Girl, then being recaptured and thrown in solitary, where he remains to this day.
Okay, not really, but somebody really should invent movie jail.
Ruining late night TV
Despite having a career that might be characterized as being on an “express train to shitsville," NBC officially named Fallon as the new host of its Late Night franchise in late 2008 when Conan O’Brien announced he was leaving to take over the Tonight Show. At a news conference following the announcement, Fallon quipped "I've been doing a monologue in my living room the last three years", the first terrible joke of thousands to come. It is not known if he started laughing half-way through telling it.
Infuriating thousands of college freshmen, The Roots have signed on as Fallon's house band. Many speculate whether the addition of The Roots will save Jimmy Fallon or completely discredit The Roots, though in either case, Questlove must be coming out of this with so much money that he can hire a personal assistant just for his fro.
Trivia
- Fallon was inexplicably chosen as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World in 2002 by People Magazine. Like, in real life, not in a SNL sketch about how absurd it would be if that ever were to happen.
- Fallon married Nancy Juvonen, Drew Barrymore's producing partner, on December 22, 2007, proving that the only person who could stand to constantly be around him is somebody who could also stand to constantly be around Drew Barrymore.
External Links
- Jimmy Fallon archive at HuffingtonPost.com.
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