Jim Cramer
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Jim Cramer works in the field of televised wealth management consulting, also known as the “investortainment” industry. Currently, he hosts CNBC’s "Mad Money," a show built around the assumption that you can make a boring subject interesting merely by screaming like a chimp on fire. Cramer is also co-founder of TheStreet.com, noted for its fast-paced, in-your-face financial reportage. Also for losing 88% of its own stock value in less than two years.
Most recently, Jim Cramer has garnered national headlines after a series of media pundits began criticizing him for amplifying bull and bear markets, inflaming economic overconfidence/consumer fears, and wearing a silly goatee.
In the nascent post-Bush/Cheney era, Jim Cramer has Jon Stewart and the entire "Daily Show" staff creaming its jeans over having found someone else to use as the butt of recurring jokes.
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Early life
James J. “Jim” Cramer began capitalizing on Main Street America’s fiduciary naivety from his birth on February 10, 1955, a birthday he shares with fellow cable news shrieking head Glenn Beck, Roberta Flack, and the original bassist from Metallica. Raised in a suburb of Philadelphia, “The City of Brotherly Dick,” Cramer graduated Springfield Township High School, before attending Harvard College, alma mater of such celebrated dicks as Ben Bernacke, Al Gore, the Unibomber, and “The Millionaire” on Gilligan’s Island—who the hell brings multiple changes of clothes and tens of thousands of dollars in cash on a three-hour boat tour?
Interestingly enough, when Harvard spewed forth Jim Cramer in 1977, he was a self-avowed communist. Most likely, this was just to pick up chicks. Most likely, this did not work.
Screwing people as a…
…Lawyer
After college, Cramer learned the hard lesson that just because you’re a big swinging dick at Harvard—magna cum laude, president of the "Harvard Crimson"—it doesn’t mean the rest of the world’s automatically going to give you a nobber. Following the trajectory of many dicks who fail to do much of anything once outside the cozy confines of higher education, Cramer went to law school, obtaining a JD, or “Juris Dicktorate,” from Harvard Law in 1984. Among the highlights of Cramer’s legal career: getting dissed for a job by then-US Attorney Rudy Giuliani due to poor grades; getting kicked out of the New York State Bar for not paying membership dues.
…Investor
Perhaps because he was out of options, perhaps because of the seminal Michael J. Fox film "The Secret of My Succe$s" (the secret, of course, being to spell with dollar signs instead of a regular “s”), Jim Cramer went to work as a stock broker for Goldman Sachs. By 1987, he began his own hedge fund, whose early investors included notorious sock-wearing dick Eliot Spitzer. Reportedly, Spitzer is one of Jim Cramer’s oldest and dearest friends. In legal circles, this is referred to as “dick by association.”
…Internet content provider
In 1996, Jim Cramer co-founded TheStreet.com. Through this site, Cramer has spent the last 12 years commentating on a market he never once, even for a moment, suggested might collapse. Even as the news of said collapse was scrolling along at the bottom of the screen. Recently, he has begun working on the creatively-named spin-off MainStreet.com, aimed at middle America, so that it’s not just rich people being taken in by glorified Ponzi schemes anymore.
…The host of "Mad Money"
Cramer, a frequent guest commentator on CNBC throughout the late 1990s and co-host of "Kudlow & Cramer," began hosting his own show, "Mad Money," in 2005. It is easily the most annoying television program to hit U.S. airwaves since they canceled "Pee-Wee’s Playhouse," replete with yelling, flashing lights, and a panel of oversized overused red sound effect buttons. Cramer is also a sucker for cheesy gags, even going as far as once having a live monkey named “Ka-ching” fill in for him. Nothing says responsible journalism like a live monkey. Mad Money is known for employing a panoply of Cramer’s catch-phrases, such as “Booyah!,” “Are you ready, Skee-Daddy?” and, most recently, “I wish I’d done a better job.” Every year since 2006, Cramer has taken his show on tour, filming live at various colleges across the country. Most likely, this is also just to pick up chicks. Most likely, this still does not work.
On the March 11, 2008 episode of "Mad Money," Cramer told his viewers that investment bank Bear Stearns was not in trouble, and advised them not to move their money. That same day, TheStreet.com listed Bear Stearns as a “Buy” at $62 a share. The next day, Bear Stearns totally collapsed.
For the next six months, despite being independently reviewed as making picks that literally fared worse than if he’d chosen them at random, Cramer continued to hit the “Buy! Buy! Buy!” sound effect button and throw little plastic bulls around the "Mad Money" set. In mid-September, Jim Cramer recommended viewers buy stock in Wachovia, which then proceeded to lose nearly 90% of its value within the ensuing two weeks.
Of course, by January 2009, after it was clear to everybody that the economy had long since dropped the kids off at the pool, Cramer flipped a bitch, and started in with equally incendiary doomsday prognostications, as well as criticism of the White House stimulus package.
This attracted the attention of several media pundits, including "New York Times" columnist Frank Rich and, most famously, comedy news anchor Jon Stewart, who capped a week-long critique of CNBC by inviting Jim Cramer to appear as a guest on The "Daily Show". With no talking bobble heads to hide behind, Cramer was totally de-nadified. The interview quickly hit the Internet and went viral, garnering more hits than the water-skiing squirrel and the Britney Spears shaven crotch shot combined.
Of course
Anyone who trusts his or her money with a talk show host gets what’s coming to them.
