Hugo Chavez
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Simply put, Chávez isn’t really dangerous; he just wants a little attention.
In fact, few people would care about Hugo Chávez were he not the head of an oil-producing country. As far as megalomaniacs go, Chávez is strictly small dick potatoes, or, papas pingas pequeñas.
Over the years, Chávez has severely clamped down on both the press and civil liberties, and has exhibited a propensity for talking smack about the Bush Administration any time anyone puts a microphone in front of his mouth. However, he has never poisoned a political rival, he wields neither a secret nor “holy” police, and he actually failed to take power in a bloody coup—he had to settle for being elected democratically. He doesn’t even have a nuclear weapons program. Until such time, Chávez is destined to remain a poor man’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
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Early Years
Hugo Chávez began agitating ineffectually from the moment of his birth on July 28, 1954, a birth date he shares with similarly bloated annoyance Sally Struthers. The son of country schoolteachers, his real last name is Frias, though he uses Chávez in his professional life, sort of like how Emilio Estevez chose to go with his family’s actual last name rather than Sheen. And we all know how well that worked out for him.
Like most hopeful young despots, Chávez excelled at painting and singing. Reportedly, he still enjoys a good karaoke jam session from time to time (he’s partial to heavy metal power ballads, and anything from the Abba songbook). Also like most despots, Chávez attended military college, graduate school, and held university-level teaching positions, where he honed his dicktatorial skills by refusing to allow extra credit of any kind under any circumstances.
While in college, Chávez and fellow students began living by a doctrine they termed “Bolivarianism,” which is a lot like Rastafarianism, except instead of smoking pot, growing dreads, and listening to Bob Marley, you put on a red beret and arm yourself for the coming socialist revolution.
Political “Rise”
After graduation, Chávez was faced with a choice between the two careers available to well-educated, wannabe South American insurrectionists: oversee a drug cartel or start a revolution (sometimes both). Chávez opted for the latter, launching a military coup against President Carlos Andrés Pérez on February 4, 1992, Venezuelan Groundhog Day.
Chávez’s strategy included occupying the Historical Museum in Caracas, where he was summarily trapped. Cut off from his collaborators and with only astronaut ice cream from the museum gift shop to sustain him, Chávez eventually gave up. Just like Ché Guevara, whose jock he totally sweated, Chávez later appeared on national television to address his followers and call off the rebellion. It was the highest-rated program in the country’s history—all 18 Venezuelans who owned TVs watched it.
“Presidency”
Chávez spent the next two years in jail, before receiving a pardon from President Rafael Caldera, whom he paid back by immediately chipping away at Caldera’s administration’s credibility and then unseating him in the 1998 presidential election.
Since then, he has ruled Venezuela under a revamped political doctrine known as “Chavismo,” which is a lot like machismo, only without the cheesy moustaches and chain-link steering wheels. For the last decade, Chávez’s political conduct has consisted of running plays directly out of the authoritarian handbook: renaming the country, re-writing the constitution, assuming control of the oil sector, disbanding/reconvening parliament and his cabinet on personal whim, launching propagandist mission after propagandist mission, and drafting increasingly harsher restrictions against anyone daring to publicly criticize him.
Chávez survived a 2002 coup attempt that may or may not have been arranged by the CIA and a 2004 recall referendum, whose results were confirmed by ex-President Jimmy Carter, himself. After this last victory, a jubilant Chávez pledged to redouble his efforts against both poverty and imperialism, while promising to foster dialogue with his opponents. He did this by officially charging the recall petition organizers with treason.
“Foreign” “Relations”
It is important to note that with respect to Hugo Chávez’s conduct on the world stage, he is a dick created by other dicks, most notably the leaders of every oil-importing nation. Not only is Venezuela an OPEC member, its untapped resources coupled with new technology make it one of the most oil rich countries on earth, despite the fact that it is not located in the Middle East (although most Americans would probably place it there on an unmarked map).
Recent price spikes have granted Chávez access to billions of dollars—that’s just what a dick like him needs, an extension of his credit limit—and, as a result, a whole lot of chutzpah. Most recently, he initiated a program to provide cheaper heating fuel for low-income families in several areas of the United States, including poorer neighborhoods in New York City. This prompted the New York Daily News to criticize the offer by calling him an “oil pimp,” despite the fact that no pimp, oil or otherwise, would be caught dead in that drab olive shirt he’s always wearing.
Chávez is the type of leader who likes to have his picture taken shaking hands with other dicks on the United States’ shit list (Castro, Qaddafi, Sean Penn).
He also enjoys making scenes at the United Nations. In June 2006, he announced Venezuela’s bid for a seat on the UN Security Council, reportedly going so far as offering to supply 20% of China’s oil needs in return for its vote. Due to this dick chicanery, or “dickanery,” the UN remained deadlocked in 41 separate votes, until ultimately Chávez lost out to Panama. Yeah, that’s right. Panama.
Right around this time, Chávez stood up in front of the UN General Assembly and called George W. Bush “the devil.” Of course, he failed to follow that up with crazy, vaguely threatening apocalyptic ramblings, and it’s not nearly as scary without the crazy, vaguely threatening apocalyptic ramblings.
While his remarks were strongly condemned by U.S. politicians and the media, they were received with wild applause in the Assembly, though the Assembly is well-known to applaud everything, including that star-studded piece of crap UN movie The Interpreter.
Uncut
There’s a more than decent chance Hugo Chávez is uncircumcised. Just putting that out there.
